You know that one person you suddenly start thinking about all the time? That you can't get out of your mind and even when you think about seven other different things, they just slip back in? And then you wonder why you think about them so much but you already know why, it's because you love them. But maybe you don't really love them, they probably don't love you. I mean, why would they ever think about you as much as you think about them? Do they think about you at all? But you're not supposed to love them. You never loved them before. You don't even seem to get along that well sometimes. You wouldn't make a great couple, sometimes you aren't even that good of friends. And it would be freaky if you told them you liked them. But then it starts tearing you apart because you have this secret love, but you can't tell anyone because then they'd be like "Omigawd, you can SO not like him/her, that's just wrong". So then you decide maybe you should try getting them to like you. So you start doing stupid things and acting like an idiot, all to no effect. And then you feel like they don't think of you at all, they think nothing of you and they like everyone else more and then you start to go crazy until you burst and then maybe accidentally let it slip that you like them.
But then what happens?
Well... maybe that's just me... but...
My secret love, that I couldn't tell anyone at all (except maybe Ariel, because she's awesome like that) is the one and only... (highlight the next line if you're actually someone who bothers to read this and you're just DYING to know my secret love)
Joel. My adopted bigger brother. My ONII-CHAN. (BTW, I don't even know why I'm highlighting this, he never reads my journals.)
I don't know why... I mean, maybe I should love him, in a certain way that's not the way I was thinking of, and maybe he loves me in a certain way too (though he's made no mention of it) but what if I like him more than that? It just doesn't feel like it's enough that we're... the certain closeness that we are. But he made it very clear that he only wants to be that certain level of closeness. But that was awhile ago. Who knows? Maybe he's changed. Or maybe he hasn't. Or maybe he doesn't even want to be that certain level of closeness anymore and would rather not know me at all... Or maybe I'm just thinking about this too much. But I can't help it, I can't stop thinking about him... He's nice, he's cute (cuter, it seems, then when I'd first seen him. You can start to think people look a lot better than they usually do after knowing them for awhile) and he's one of the only people who actually would like to help me. But he doesn't know the one way he could truly help me, the one way he could make me the happiest person in the world.
Because he doesn't know I love him.
Because I can't tell him.
Because then he might not even want to be my friend (or the level of certain closeness that we are) anymore.
And it sucks because I'm about to burst.
I have told my mom, but she's not much help.
But oh well... I'm a teenager, biologically (psychologically I'm... well, I'm not really sure what I am. A freak, that's the best way I can put it) And a GIRL no less (again, biologically, or maybe psychologically too.) So I suppose this happens to everyone... Well, not this EXACTLY. I just mean guy problems.
Anyways, speaking of him, I met him at the summerfest. He was there with his friends and then I just kind of stood there looking around while they talked and he asked me if I was bored and I said I was used to it. (I am, just being the little thing that sits there and doesn't speak or make any sound but follows wherever you go. The little tag along, he even called me that. I probably shouldn't think much of it, but this is ME, and I do.) And eventually it was time to go. But I wanna bring more money tomorrow and see if he'll go on a ride with me tomorrow. They have a flippin' Tilt-A-Whirl there! I LOVE those things!
But yeah, I suppose that's enough ranting for tonight. I'm trying to limit myself, xd It's unhealthy, too much ranting. (Well, not really of course)
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