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When the falling out happened with B-F (they know who they are)... I was numb for a few days... he helped with that... we had been flirtatious after for a long time, then apparently, my spiritual awakening even though he witnessed it was why we couldn't be an item despite keeping me in this limbo of hoping that he would change his mind because while he said everything was telling him no, absolutely everything was telling me yes... my deities encouraged it, the tarot readings I listened to...all pointed to him... he was my teacher afterwards yes but I tried to do what he said he wanted, even tried ignoring it and letting it be sorted by the universe but nothing worked... So when I say love can be a cage you don't have the key for... this is what I mean... he finally told me, 2 days before my birthday that he loved me but the Spiritual Awakening bit... my friends all told me to cut him out and that I deserve better and while they are right... that doesn't make it so I can just be okay yet or even stop crying when I am alone right now... it's forming a void from how much I loved him... everything hurts and I can't do anything about it but do my best to pick those now frozen fragments of my heart up and try to reshape it... this is going to take a long time this time... if love is an ocean then I was nearing the deepest parts despite all of this... I wish it hadn't been him...