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Friend: "Hey Angie, how's it going?"
Angie: "Fine, fine. What's up?"
Friend: "Just wanted to call to see if you're coming today."
Angie: "Huh? Where? What? What are you talking about?"
Friend: "C'mon, I told you last week at lunch that we're going to the movies!"
Angie: "O_o When did this happen? You never told me anything about the movies."

A conversation similar, if not exactly, like that has happened to me numerous times in my life. People seem to claim that they have told me about going somewhere sometime and that I was going to go with them. But the thing is, I haven't a trace of a memory of them telling me this, or running it by me beforehand when they claim to have told me about it. This happens all too often and is really annoying.

The thing that I want to know is if they actually did tell me and I just forgot, or if they're mistaken. Am I just losing my mind? Maybe they actually told me about these events and maybe I wasn't listening, I was off in my own little world. That's a possibility, but I'm not that easily distracted. I'm one of those kinds of people who has to know everything before going somewhere and I always like to be at least five minutes early before something starts. I'm a stickler for those things, without them I can't function. I have to know everything.

But with those needs drilled into my brain, it makes me wonder if I'm missing out on the fun and interesting surprises of life. It's no fun knowing about a surprise before it happens, then it just wouldn't be a surprise and all excitement would be drained. A few years ago, my friends threw me a surprise birthday party, but I had figured it out a week in advance. The same thing goes for seeing movies, I read reviews and stuff before I go see it, then it's usually completely ruined.

I just want to know if I'm screwing myself over for wanting to know everything before it happens in life.

Of course there's surprises in life that I can't predict, but I just need to break free from this want. I need to transgress over the line. I need to do something completely and utterly stupid one night and not regret it in the morning. I need to get so smashed that I make a fool of myself, but not give a s**t what other people think. I need to find a day where I can just run through the streets screaming at the top of my lungs about how afraid I am of not knowing what is coming. I just need to belt it out, every last dark and dirty little secret that I have hidden away in the back of my my mind for no one but myself knows about.

I just need to snap. I need to break down. I need to find what my mind needs.

I need. I need. I need.

Need is very different from want. Need is a requirement; a necessity. Want is just something that you yearn for. I need this. I need this so much. I need this to make myself feel alive.

And that's what life is all about, right? The need to feel alive. Everyone needs to experience that feeling. I've been needing to feel alive for so long.

I need to feel that. I need to feel that I am alive. And once I feel that, I will know that I am alive.

I need to know that I am alive.