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My heart and it's failure at making good decisions.
It seems that everything I do is wrong. No matter what the intention, or no matter what it is. When I like Aaron and Miki is was wrong becuase I went to far on the obsession and made them feel uncomfortable, and I had innappropriate thoughts about them. That was wrong. That deserved punishment and torture and I deserved to be treated the way I was treated by Becca and everybody. But With Zachariya, it is a totally different story. I am not obsessed with him, nor do I need to carry pictures of him around with me. He is one of my most trusted gaurdians and friends. I don't even feel sexually attracted toward him. It's much different than what my body or my mind wants. It's everything about him that I find attractive. But somehow what I am doing is still wrong. He feels awkward around me and I could tell. I'm afraid that he is awkward becuase of the way I was with Aaron and crap. Or maybe I am just to crazy. Or maybe he dose notice me staring at him when he is not looking becuase I do look at him. No I don't stare at him innappriately, but just at him. I like being around him. Just to be around him is good enough for me. But i'm afraid of my friendship ending just becuase he knows I like him and he's afriad I'll pull another thing like I did with Aaron. Myabe I am just too paranoid becuase of my bad experiences. He would probably feel even worse if he new of the dreams I had about him. In the one dream about the machina and crap, I never told him that we had kissed in that dream. In the one dream that I had about hanging out with Mario, We embraced eachother and I heard his voice saying that we knew eachother in a past life. It's so horrible that I have these dreams because he is my friend and I don't want to lose him becuase I am so stupid I have to have this crush on him. It seems like it was suppose to happen, but I almost wish it didnt' becuase I don't want to lose my friend. I couldn't have Aaron or Miki, but at least they weren't my friends in the beginning, so in all essence, despite my emoness, is was really no big deal. but a friend whom you trust with your life feeling awkward around you becuase suddenly you discover you have feelings for them is horrible. I wish I never told him, but he had the right to know. He had to be warned. To be liked by me is a horrible curse, and anyone, even the ones that I didnt' moon over, could tell you that. " Eww, " tomo" likes me, now I am infected with her diseases!". I bet even a true freind would agree. I don't want to lose him as a friend, but I'm posting this to let him know how horrible I feel and I wish I never admitted it to myself that I liked him. I wish it could've been someone else who had to endure the torchure, not my most loyal gaurdian.
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