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For those of you planning on seeing the third LOTR movie at the theater, here are some survival tips.

Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?"
Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" - After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."
At some point during the movie, stand up and shout: "I must go! Middle Earth needs me!" and run and try to jump into the screen. After bouncing off, return quietly to your seat.
Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: "The Ring."
Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf went to Hogwarts
Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson."
When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive to Ethiopians.
Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of you on the back of the neck.
Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep" Monty Python style.
When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
Ask people around you who they think is the next "Terminator" sent from the Middle Earth of the future to assassinate Frodo Baggins
In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"
Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
Start an Orc sing-a-long.
Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.

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Fun Things to do While Driving
Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
Two words: chicken suit.
Write the words "help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, while driving alone.
Laugh a whole lot.
Stop at green lights.
Go at red ones.
Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
Eat food that requires silverware.
Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
Honk frequently without motivation.
Ask people for Grey Poupon.
Let pedestrians know who's boss.
Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
Restart your car at every stoplight.
Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
Paint your car with occult symbols.
Keep at least five cats in the car.
Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
Stop and collect roadkill.
Stop and pray to roadkill.

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More Fun Things To Do To Telemarketers
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
Say "no" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout..."
If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...
When the salesperson asks, "Is this the homeowner?" say, "Is this the salesperson?" and when they say, "Yes," hang up.

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Fun Things to Do in a Chat Room
Create an insanely long user name. Refuse to speak to people who try to abbreviate it.
TyPe LiKe ThIs. Ignore anyone who doesn't.
Yell.
Talk to yourself.
Log in with three or more usernames and have a conversation with yourself.
Type backwards.
Type everything twice.
Type everything twice.
Answer questions not addressed to you.
Send a LOT of blank messages. A LOT.
Speak in your own language.
Change the text color to yellow or something equally painful.
Change the background color to pink or something equally painful.
Change the background color to match the text color.
Make people repeat everything they say three times. (at least)
Type
t
o
p
t
o
b
o
t
t
o
m
.

Ask stupid questions. Demand answers.
Tell everybody you have to leave to *do a number two*.
Tell people what time it is.
Ask people what time it is.
Speak in Yodanese. For example: bored I am. lick my ear you want to?
Type bottom to top. (I'm not even going to try)

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Fun At Your Local Pool
Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.
Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.
Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.
Hit strangers with your flutter board.
Ask an attractive lifeguard to practise CPR on you.
Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, "Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good...."
Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.
Swim near a stranger and go "Dammit I knew I shouldn't have had watermelon before I came here."
Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say "HA-HA, fooled you!"
Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board.
Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.
Tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool.
Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.
Try to negotiate the price of getting in.
Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.
Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say "Wheee! I'm Batman!" while running around.
Hit strangers with your wet towel.
Throw people's things into the pool.
Sing and dance on top of the dinving board, then do a belly-flop as your grande-finale.
Play Marco-Polo by yourself.
Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

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Random Annoyances
The roads are at full capacity. The cost of living is rising. And the Internet is filling up with garbage like this rag. It's time to fight back. It's time to take five minutes out of your day to be annoying.
Take a minute out to scream the name of your favorite body part so the whole town can hear.
Take two minutes out to tell your friend/relative/lover what you really think of their unwanted body hair. Unless that person is me.
Take ten minutes out to rearrange all the CD's at Circuit City.
Take an hour and stare intently at inanimate objects in public.
Take a week and lobby for legalization of marijuana. On your local college campus. Outside the president's office.
Strip on the street. As long as there are no small children around that would be scarred for life.
Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.
If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: "Don't let him in! He's the killer!"
Beep when a large person backs up.

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Fun Things to Do On a Paper You Don't care About
Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.
Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.
Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor's door.
Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.
Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.
Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.
End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds".
Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.
If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do the paper because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the paper actually exists.
If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words, right?
Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn't retrieve the original.
Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography.
Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor's desk.
The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you can't turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is only available on a "need to know" basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an 'A'.
Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you were trying to get the feel for the period.
Turn in a letter you wrote to your cousin. When the teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while.(This is a nifty way to get an extension.)
When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.
Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you until the next full moon.
Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road.
Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned by the professor, act like it's nothing unusual. After all, he did tell you to include footnotes.
Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper, perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the paper and correct all your typos.
Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper, opera-style, and hand that in.
Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies.
Under construction! Check back soon.<#24>

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Ways to Confuse Your Roommate
Sit up. Say, "Time to make the donuts." Leave. Do this often.
Every five minutes, get up, open the door, peek out, close the door and look relieved.
Express an extreme fear of sunlight. Move away from and flinch at areas of the room that are sunny.
Pick up the phone every five minutes and say, "hello." Look confused and hang up.
Unwrap a candy bar. Eat the wrapper and throw the chocolate away.
When listening to the radio, sing along with different lyrics and a different tune.
Address your roommate by a different name every time you talk to him or her.
Constantly drink from an empty glass.
Every time you handle something of your roommate's, use a tissue or gloves.
While unlocking your door with the key, complain that the engine won't start.
Name your animal crackers. Mourn for them after you eat them.
Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
Try to make meals using your roommate's electric blanket.
Put black tape over the eyes of the people in your roommate's pictures. Complain that they were staring at you.
Everytime your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, wake him or her up and say, "it's time to go to bed now."

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Ways to Scare People in the Computer Lab
Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turnedit on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.
Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
"DISK FIGHT!!!"
Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbour's keyboard as you leave.
Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbour is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your file isn't affected). Then look at your neighbour's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbour's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
Stare at the person next to your screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang-up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
Two words: Tesla Coil.

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Fun Things For Professors on the First Day of Class
Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.
Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk".
Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"
Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field".
Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
Growl constantly and address students as "matey".
Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".
Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.
Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".
Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
Address students as "worm".
Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.
Of course, the most fun thing to do on the first day of class is to enjoy yourself, sleep in, and let the students wonder if they found the right room!

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Fun Thins To Do In A Bowling Alley
Everytime you throw exclaim "TAKE THAT, YOU!!!" continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.
When ever a strike "X" appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a Black Panther conspiracy.
Explain to the Owner how your game has been ruined due to Platetechtonics then loose him in lingo. Demand compensation.
Bring Zippo fluid, light the pins on fire.
Wear golf shoes.
Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.
Dress up like an amish man. Give speaches to others against the high technology used in bowling.
Play bocci with extra lane balls.
Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about Platetechtonics again.
Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tounges, then sit down as if nothing happened.
Bring full angling gear, ask how they're biting.....fish.
Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off.
Hide behind the pins. Stick your head up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
Use a Curling Weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers.
Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted.
Make your prescence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours.
Root for the other team- Bring banners.
Make fun of your team- Bring lettuce.
Tell the rival team captain that you just met his "little girl" walk away mumbling "how bad things happen."
Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments.
Even if you miss totally--At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEEEEERIKE.
Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.
Rent all the lanes, don't bowl.
Rent all the shoes, eat them.
Blatenly underscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating.
When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball, run home.
If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutterballs, blame platetechtonics.
Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone.
Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.
Superglue police whistles to the hand-dryers...leave town.
Walk around asking people why they are here, do this the whole night.
Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an anoucement, expound on the sins of bowling.
Name your ball something like "KILLER", Openly boast to everyone how great you are, bowl terribly. Do this all night.
Sit in your lane and heckle others with a bullhorn.
Bring a dartgun...Be inventive.
Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.
Run around sprinkling "MAGIC FAIRY DUST" on everyone's balls. Tar works nice.
Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night, don't even have a entrance fee. Advertise it using every mass media known to man; make the 3rd Prize: $10,000 and a Porshce; 2nd Prize: $5,000 and a trip to Europe; 1st Prize: A coffee mug. Then sit back a watch the fights..... leave or cancel the whole thing.
Hand out pamphlets on Patetechtonics.

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50 Fun Things to Do to Telemarketers.
Talk really fast.
Turn on the TV. Change it to a channel that only gets static. Turn the volume up really loud. Say you can't hear them over the static.
Make up your own language. Speak it.
Hnag up.
Make up a one-word language. Speak it.
Say, "This phone line is for emergency use only. Do you have an emergency?
If they say yes, to the previuos question, say, "Please state the nature of your emergency." Insist that it isn't an emergency. Hang up.
Pretend you just took hostages, and make demands.
Pretend that you are a hostage negotiator, and try to get the telemarketer to release that hostages.
Order a large peperoni pizza, some garlic bread, and a meatball sub.
Pretend that your phone line is an automatic sex phone line.
Dial the phone and say, "Hey, I lent you 50 bucks! You better pay up or else I'm gonna come over there and hurt you!
Repeatadly dial the phone. Mutter that it isn't ringing.
Claim to be the Mafia.
Say, "Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.
Say something that Moe would say to Bart after Bart makes a prank call.
Ask him/her if he/she would like to buy a magazine or newspaper subscription.
Tell the telemarketer to find Mike last name Rotch. Claim that you will only buy a subscription from them.
Say, "Oh, no, it's the Feds, they're on to us!"
Claim to be the FBI. Say, "This is the Federal Bureau of Investigation, how may I help you?"
Dial *69. Wait about a minute, and say, "Damn unreliliable *69."
Speak a foreign language.
If you do # 24 and the telemarketer gets a person who speaks the language you used, speak another language, use a made up language, or say that you were speaking English the whole time.
Pretend that the telemarketer is your husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend. Talk sexually, making references to what you are going to do to him/her later tonight. When you "realize" that you are not speaking to your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend yell, "Pervert!" Slam the phone down to hang up.
Say, "Help, I'm being robbed, he's got a gun!"
Communicate only through Morse code
Talk to the telemarketer. During the conversation dial the phone, and ask for Bill. Do this repeatedly.
Try to sell the telemarketer something.
Act drunk.
Turn on your shower. Say that you are on a portable phone and are really late for an important meeting. Scream as though you were electocuted.
Ask him/her if he/she can smell bacon. Insist that there is a strong bacon scent over the phone.
Ask if he/she has been to Australia. Regardless of the answer ask if you can buy a boomerang or didgerido.
If the answer to the previous question is "no," insist that he/she buy yours.
If the answer is "yes," ask if he/she will take a strange currency.
Pretend to be an escaped mental patient. Mutter things like, "They'll never catch me again," "No! Not the jacket! No, no, no!" After saying one of these mutter incoherently.
Make him/her dance for a sale. Refuse to buy something because you didn't see him/her dance.
Make him/her sing to get a sale.
If a male sings, claim he sounds like Britney Spears.
If a female sings, claim she sounds like Barry White.
Pretend to be really interested, then say "no."
Engage him/her in an "intellectual" discussion on a boring topic.
Say nothing until he/she hangs up.
Say, "I told you, I don't know where your dog is!" then hang up.
Keep crackers near the phone. When a telemarketer calls eat the crackers. Chew loudly, make slurping noises, and talk with your mouth full. If you want pretend that you are choking.
After he/she hangs up, use *69 or Caller ID to get the phone number. Call the telemarketer.
Ask the telemarketer for his/her home phone number, claiming that you need some time to think and will get back to them.
If he/she is selling a newspaper/magazine, go on and on about how great another newspaper/magazine is.
Pretend you are a telemarketer from a rival company. Get him/her to buy your product.
Say "yes" immediately to whatever they are saying and hang up immediately afterwards.
Say, "This number is classified, how did you obtain it?" Then tell him/her to stay on the line while you trace their call.

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Fun Things to Do at WalMart
Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and leaving them at strategic locations.
Get boxes of condoms and randomly place them in people's shopping carts when they aren't looking.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals throughout the day.
Run up to employeee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell, "I need some tampons!"
Try bras on over the top of your clothes.
Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the bathrooms.
Walk up to an employeee and say in an official tone, "We've got a code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them off and put the volume at 10.
Challange other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
Redress the mannaquins as you see fit.
Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
Put M&M's on layaway.
Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from Bed & Bath.
Contaminate the entire Auto department buy sampleing all the air fresheners.
Nonchalantly "test" brushes and combs in cosmetics.
When someone asks you if you need help, cry and yell, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
Look right into the security camera, then use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting a full-scale battlefield of GI Joes vs. X-Men.
While handling guns in the Sporting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
Switch the Men's and Women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the tune to Mission: Impossible.
Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
In the Auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
Hide in clothing racks and when people browse through say things like, "Pick me, pick me!"
When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
Drag a lounge chair on display over to Magazines and relax.
If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

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How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace
Page yourself over the intercom. (don't disguise your voice)
Find out where the boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after he does. (This is especially effective if you boss is a different gender than you.)
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them by only those names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm afraid I'll have to disagree, Chachi."
Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. I.E, "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."
"Highlight" your shoes. If anyone asks, tell them that you havn't lost your shoes since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Put a chair next to a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for a document.
Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 enitre raw potatoes.
Insist that your e-mail address be, "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk. Lable it "IN".
Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
Send e-mail saying free pizza, free dounuts, ect.... in the lunch room when people complain that there was none, just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh, you've got to be faster than that."
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffine addictions, switch to expresso.

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Ways To Be Offensive At a Funeral
Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.
Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lense.
Punch the body and tell people he hit you first.
Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.
Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
At the cemetary, play Taps on a kazoo.
Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak it into the coffin.
Put a hard-boiled egg into the mouth of the deceased.
Slip a whoopie cushion under the widow.
Leave some phoney dog poop on top of the deceased.
Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral's over.
Urge the widow to give his wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.
Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
Use the deceased's tounge to lick a stamp.
Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.
Ask the widow if you can have to body to practice tatooing on.
Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips right before the widow's last kiss.
Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
If the widow cries, blow a trumpet everytime she wipes her nose.
When no one's looking slip fake vampire fangs into the deceased's mouth.
Toss a handful of cooked rice onto the deceased, scream, "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
At the cemetary, take bets on how long it will take the body to decompose.
Goose the widow as she bends over to place dirt on the coffin.
Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.
Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.

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Fun Things to do at a Fast Food Drive-Thru
Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.
Drive through backwards.
Belch your order.
After ordering, cover the speaking and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.
Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.
Walk through.
Speak a foreign language (make up one if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and enquire as to why the order-taker had such trouble understanding you.
Repeat everything the order-taker says.
Attempt to take the order-taker's order ("Hi, may I take your order?" wink before he/she has a chance to take yours.
Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and large medium fries please." wink .
In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage and ask them to dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
Drive throuh with a carload of naked people.
Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think that there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at the speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.
One word: Flatulance!
Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approuch the window to pick up your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".
Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

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Fun Things to do in a Bathroom Stall
Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
Cheer and clap loudly everytime someone breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
Drop a marble and say, "s**t, my glass eye!"
Say, "Damn, this water is cold."
Grunt and strain really loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
Say, "Now how did that get there?"
Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew, squirt it erratically underthe stall walls of your neighbors while shouting, "Whoa, easy boy!"
Say, "Interesting.... more sinkers than floaters."
Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy, don't fall asleep on me now!"
Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small, now what am I gonna do?"
Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the florr visible to the adjacent stall.
Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so that you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing, "Born Free."