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Warning.... This entry is angst glaore. IF YOU ARE MY BROTHER OR SISTER DO NOT SHOW THIS TO MOM.

*sigh* What is a father? Who is MY father? I always think that my mom never paid much attention to me as a child. I mean seriously having 4 kids in 5 yrs and me being the eldest I can't help but feel that I didn't get as much attention unless I got excellent grades and even that didn't last long. My stepdad I don't think was entirely comfortable around me even at a young age, I mean he had my siblings who were his own kids. Not that he was a bad parent, not a saint but he put me through school and occassionally sends me money to help with college and for that I'm eternally thankful.

I've been debating with myself for the past 3yrs if I should even ask about my real father. Mother doesn't think I know, I was 3 when she remarried but I remember him. For awhile I had a few memories and when I was young he would feature in some of my dreams but now I only remember one short conversation where he asked where my mother was and I had been told to lie to him. I remember my grandmother telling me that he died when I was 7 so is it worth it?

How offended would my mother be if I asked? I mean she must some idea I know my birth certificate clearly states my last name although she's had almost all documents since then featuring my stepfathers. I have to think about this some more.

LOL this is the longest journal entry I've ever had sweatdrop