This is what my weird brother wrote about me when he was in seventh grade....wait, I should explain that he was online and somehow came across his online journal from seventh grade! Anyways, this is one of his funniest posts, and it involves me.....so yeah, this is it, I laughed really hard.
have finally figured it out. i am adopted, even though my parents wont admit it. you see, i dont look like any of my relatives, but i sortof look like my little sister, Zoe. anyway, 13 years ago my parents, Amy and Dennis, were in the mafia and attempted to steal 7 billion bucks from a bank somewhere in northern russia, but something went wrong and they were caught by the KGB (russian CIA). they were brought to jail, and were held(incarcerated) for a year, and finally they broke out and fleed to their cohorts in the yakuza, who are based in Japan. well, my parents were getting older (about 34), and they realized that, in order to live their lives and die peacefully at a ripe old age, they were going to need protection. they asked Yojimbo(i am only guessing at this name, because cool dudes should always be named Yojimbo. or curzi.) who was the leader of this particular sect of the Yakuza, for a guardian. he permitted that they could choose two of his most promising students, one boy and one girl, to raise as their own and eventually be guarded by. my parents took each of the children and hooked up the brain-wave-o-meters to them and tested their intelligence, strength, and potential. they came out with 3 children- a girl named Zuiko, a girl named Ayame, and a very special boy who surpassed all of the others by far, named Michiichirou. they knew that Michiichirou was definitely theirs, but Ayame and Zuiko were extremely similar. so, to finally figure out which of them to pick, they did something only they were vicious enough to do:they starved each of them for two weeks and then put blades on the back of their feet and staged a cockfight, except it was with Ayame and Zuiko and not two roosters. Zuiko easily killed and ate Ayame in her hunger, and then Amy and Dennis knew - Zuiko and Michiichirou would be their guardians. They gave Michiichirou and Zuiko plastic surgery to make them look Italian, and renamed them Michael and Zoe and taught them english. so they set off, fleeing the KGB by stopping in france, spain, ireland, greenland, antarctica, and venezuela, until they finally found a place where nobody would expect to find them - Highland Park, Illinois. they settled down and began to raise Michael and Zoe like normal children, and retrieved their real child, Sarah, from where they had hidden her with Yakuza members in Palatine, Illinois(which explains why she likes sushi so much). And thus they began their lives as normal people, yet they never forgot their exploit for 7billion that happened so long ago. well, Amy began seeing Yojimbo again, and kept talking exitedly about some plan she had for power and money that would undoubtedly unearth their secret lives of the past. at first Dennis was interested, but after a while, he began to question Amy's sanity. one day, at starbucks, he suddenly felt his Jiminy Cricket inside telling him to save Michael and make sure that Amy did not get the power she desperately wanted. so he began to formulate a plan - on Michael's Bar Mitzvah date, at the age of 13, he would finally tell Michael (who you have clearly figured out is me by now) his destiny and his real past.
And that is why i believe that i am adopted. and the only question now is - what will happen to Zoe....?
[me again] He is SO weird. eek
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Monkey Airplane Soldier
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