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Who are we? Can someone really know themselves? >.>
Push the fact, "This is me. This is me!" And then find a point where... it's more of a, "Who the hell am I, anyway?"
People are built up by their surroundings. Situations and events help you grow into whatever person you end up being. But... there are many many choices in one's life down. And the one's you make create who you are. >.> So... if you had done different things... would that person still be the real you?
...
We have moments when everything can feel so damned perfect. Usually an illusion, you've simply managed to ignore all the negative facts. But it can make you feel so high and happy. ^^
But when everything finally gives way atop of you... things become even worse than they really are... and all those negative thoughts become more of a reality instead of a side thought...
...
I talk like I know what the hell I'm typing about. >.>
...
People are weak. ^^ Things easily depress us. Our world's come to an end at least once a day. >.>
I'm not exactly one to talk... -_-
I'm always trying to grasp an understanding of feelings and life... but it doesn't exactly work. So I create my own reality, where I can comprehend. >.> Where I can just sort things and make them make sense to at least myself.
...
I'd like to say that I'm nothing like I was before. >.> But I'd probably be lying. xD
But it's amazing how things can change in so little time.
Back in the day... a month or two short of a year... I was much more of a terrible person than I am even now. <.<
I guess I was majorly depressed. Maybe. It was February. That's when it all kind of... just fell apart. ^^
Well...
It all started breaking in September of last year, actually. I reached many lows I thought I was going to avoid. xD I acted like such a hollow person. Like nothing really effected me. But... it all sat in my head... just waiting~
Then the nervous breakdowns. >.> Then the lonely. Things managed to get worse everyday~
And then it was February! Time back then went by so damned fast. >.> Life just went on with me. D:
But anyway. That's when I reached my new habit. Damn it, it was so nice back then. >.< Hard to explain. And instant relief. But sad thing about this is... it only lasted a minute... and then I'd feel even worse. xD
Like...
I'd bleed 'cause I was lonely. >.>
Then I'd realize... that no one was there to stop me. Thus... I really am alone. <.< And back then... I was sure it would be like that forever. ^^
...
So it became a daily thing. I lived for it. >.> It was just basically apart of being me. Just a typical 'depressed' teen, with all the many problems like every other typical 'depressed' teen, seeking attention like every other typical 'depressed' teen.
'Tis me. Just like everyone else. Simple. Obvious. Not too much of a person, just another mistake created by society~
Well, back then I was sure I was different. xD Stupid me. Didn't realize I was just another clone.
But anyway.
Time kept going, even if I stopped. And basically, ever damned day was the same. When I needed to feel, I'd make myself feel. When I was afraid to feel... I taught myself not to. >.> And sometimes just 'cause I could... I would.
I was such a b***h to myself. >.<
But it did eventually end. ^^ It was early July. My friends were worrying about me all the damned time... and I hated it. So I promised one of them that I would try my best to stop, and then we could move on with our lives. I really did plan to keep that promise. >.> It's just... after that was said... suddenly... no one was there anymore. xD They just assumed I was instantly better... and suddenly I was a nobody again. -_-
It made it really hard to stop. xD I mean... it was what I leaned on. >.> So I basically pushed aside my emotional support and walked around kind of empty inside.
But I did it. >.>
A cut here and there, but they didn't count. Eventually, I just didn't need to anymore. ^^ Sort of...
September came again.
Only four months ago... I think.
...
And suddenly I was starting to really miss the terrible habit. It was on my mind all the time. It was almost an insanity. It was an insanity. <.<
But I didn't until around November. xD Life just died. o.o
Well, basically... I was setting myself up again. I was feeling things I didn't believe in. >.> Thus... I basically took many steps back, and found myself bleeding again. *sighs*
I was afraid to feel. >.> It was like... I was going to train myself. Everytime I thought I was feeling something... I would make sure to teach myself it was wrong. -_- It didn't work though.
But basically... I'd never really broken the habit... since I still wanted to all the damned time. So once again... it was what I lived for.
But now things are the way they are today. >.>
I don't do that anymore. I can't. I won't. Never ever again. >.> That's apart of me that I won't let exist anymore. >.>
...
And the moral behind this story?
Life is a wonderful journey~
xD
Actually, the moral is that you shouldn't read my journal entries. You sometimes find scary stories like that. xP
...
But there was a point to that. >.>
I say people are weak. But maybe it's just me. xD I've never been anyone else. I don't know how things effect others. I just know how I react. And sometimes I find myself planning things I shouldn't. >.>
Nevermind that.
But anyway...
I just felt like venting I guess. >.> I wasn't supposed to do that. xD But sometimes I do anyway. -_-
I must learn to stop that. *sighs*
...
...
So... over time... people change. Situations change. Feelings change...
And it can sometimes be so terrible. >.>
But it also can be one of the best things ever. xD
I don't believe in any of this. <.<
But right now, it's all I believe in~
xD
I'm not making sense.
...
Well...
People make a lot of mistakes. All the damned time. Maybe everything... in the end. But sometimes mistakes lead to good things. ^^ Well... I don't know.
I don't know.
I...
Don't know.
...
Well, I was just trying to organize my thoughts. xD
>.<
Maybe I'm just trying to state... that... maybe there really are happy endings. xD
Just sometimes I ******** them up. >.> Well, most times.
...
All the time.
...
I wish I could fix things. >.> I wish that I wasn't so selfish and everytime someone tells me about their problems... it makes me think of my own. That's terrible. I'm terrible. I don't have the right to pretend I matter. xD I don't have the right to cry just because I'm sad. xD I don't have the right to be anyone at all. >.>
I don't really have the right to accept people's worries. It's all wasted on me. >.>
...
When I try to sleep... my thoughts are always racing. Basically... that's when my mind really tries to make sense of things. And I end up being up most of the night, staring at my eyelids. And once I do fall alseep... what might feel like half a second... I'm awake again. The whole night has gone by... and I didn't even get to cease to exist for a little bit. >.>
It's not fair how crazy this makes me. xD
But I've learned to mostly accept it... I just have bad days sometimes. Sometimes all the negativity that I've been forcing down for quite sometime now... just awakens. It's not how I want to feel. It just happens. >.< And I keep trying to make it go away. I got to train myself to only have those mini panic attacks when I'm alone. xD It always works better that way. -_-
Damn...
A lot of typing...
Okay... I'm going to stop now. xD I just managed to waste a lot of my, and your life away~
Sorry about that.
- Sakura Lied.
 Lyccea · Fri Dec 29, 2006 @ 03:30pm · 0 Comments |
