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god this is so weird
well first of all i'm in love with mercedes and i can never get her out of my head but i dont mind couse i enjoy it but the bad thing to it is i cant sleep couse of it lol but i dont sleep really anyways so either way that dosent matter really but i'm about to be a daddy and normaly i would proble be scarred and worried about everything but i'm not so yeah its weird for me i'm actually kinda relaxed about it and happy and to be honest i have had sex with a person before mercedes and honestly if she got pregnant i would proble freak out and worrie and honestly proble have her get an abortion unless she wanted to keep it i would help out but i wouldent really be around i know that sounds horrible but its true i just hope she dosent read this but if she dose she should know the truth i guess but with mercedes i'm not scarred and i want to have this baby before now i thought i did but before i wasent ready really and my mom says her self that in the last few months i have become more like an adult then i have been in the last few years so yeah i guess thats a good thing i'm triing to get a job i just need to talk to the library again to do the tests there and i'm going back to going out and triing to find other jobs i might like to do also just in case if theres a better paying job ya know we went to the doctors today (mercedes and me) she had to do some stuff to make sure the baby is ok and to make sure she dosent have cancer (not going into details about what they did) but yeah on september 3 is when the doc says the baby is going to be born i just hope the baby isn't born on either the 7th couse thats my dads and my uncle's b-day and i dont really like either so yeah and i dont want the baby to be born on the 13th either couse that is my ex-girlfriends b-day the other person i had sex with (who mercedes dosent like becouse of that) (mercedes is jeolius) but yeah that would be horrable couse shanti still likes me and it would hurt if another girls and my baby was born on her b-day and i dont want to hurt her more then i have or any of my other friends for that matter couse i have hurt them all alot and i hate myself for that reason i have been getting better tho couse i used to hurt myself becouse of that but i dont anymore i have been to happy with mercedes now so i dont even really ever think about doing that i'll admit that i have when me and her had a fight but besides that no i dont even think about it couse i'm always happy with her and i wish i could just be with her always that would make me the most happy i have ever been i want to be married with her but her mom wont let her get married until she is 18 which i understand couse then she'll be an adult and she can make her own chose but i know i have said i wanted to marrie others but this time i mean it i have been looking at rings and i feel this more then i have ever felt anything in my life and when i'm not around her i just get upset couse i want to be with her and with anyone else i usually am ok if i dont see them for like a week i'll miss them but i wont do anything to change it really but with her after like 2 days i missed her so much i went to see her and stayed for like 4 days then she came over here couse my family missed me couse i'm over there so much then i went over there for the night again for the doc meeting so yeah but idk what i'm writing really its just coming to me so yeah if i mumble on and on then i'm sorry but idk i hope that i can make her as happy as she makes me becouse i worrie about that all the time i always worrie that i'm not enough for her and that she'll understand that she could get so much better then me and i dont understand why she loves me becouse i'm nothing but a ******** up and a screw up i dont do anything write and i'm just in the way really so yeah but she could have anyone and i'm so happy she chose me you know the first time we met was for like 5 minits and she was a b***h but then we started talking on myspace wow it could of been someone else (that'd be bad) but yeah we were talking for awhile and then when we actually did meet and talked really it was shortly after me and shanti broke up and we were at a b-day party and shanti was really jeolius of mercedes couse shanti new that i liked her yeah i like her while i was going out with shanti and i told shanti that to so yeah but anyways after the party and like 2 days later when everyone went to school me and mercedes dident have school (i'm kicked out she dident go(it was to far rolleyes )) but we were both really tired and so we went into brit's little house thing in the back and she fell asleep in my arms and we just slept for a few hours then we woke up and i had to start heading to grandma's couse i had to go home (in portland we were in washington) so me and her went over there and so my grandma and my family mom got to meet her but they dident really talk but now my family loves her so much and she's here alot which i love i cant wait to see her but the only thing when shes here is that mom wants to take her from me alot also and they try to hide things which i dont like couse i feel like mercedes is checking out other guys which i know she dose what kills me couse i fear that she'll think someone else is cuter then me and will go after them couse i know she can get so much better then me and it worries me alot or its that shes telling mom things she wont even tell me and that makes me worrie that she actually likes mom more then me and that she is annoyed with me so yeah i know i'm proble just being stupid but i still worrie so yeah but i'm tired so i'm going to bed so yeah thanks for reading and wow i just realized that i wrote alot so yeah night well morning (its 5:39 a.m.)
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