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M
I woke up today with my pillow wet. They can mean a few things.
I had a fever last night (I did feel feverish before bed)
I spilled water on it
I cried in my sleep
My eyes were puffy when I woke up, but I usually have allergies around this time of year. Its just one of those days I hate being awake. Being sleep deprived sucks, but if I fall asleep now I won't wake up in time for work. 5-11 once again. I chose this, I need the money so I can't complain. Sometimes my body just hurts in such a way that I know I just need to slow down and relax, but its pretty damn near impossible.
I looked at my calandar and realized something. Its been two years since I single-handedly threw myself in hell. I'm greatful that the mess has been cleared up, but even now its hard to believe its been two years since I lost what I had thought was a great thing. If it was so great, why did I hurt? A love should not cause such pain to the point where you lash out at it. I didn't deserve it, I still don't deserve it despite how other people seem to be warming up to me. If I keep this mindset, I'll be screwed, but old habits are hard to break. I still have hope for myself that someday I'll be happy. Part of me doesn't deserve it. I'm in love with the notion of a fairy tale romance, but that doesn't exist. That part of me is hidden pretty deep but right now its been bothering me. I blame certain people for making me think that maybe its possible. Love is blind, but the overwhelming urge to make my father proud is stronger. I hurt him badly with the whole Raymond incident. I can't hurt him again, I don't think he can take the stress.
I just need to keep thinking that anything is possible, and if I want something I should get off my a** and get it. I just haven't found it yet.
But goddamn...today sucks. I can't stop thinking about that day. I was running around town around this time, unaware of how much s**t I was going to get myself into. It may not seem like much to others, since i play it off as nothing half the time, but it really gets to me. I lost my chance at law enforcement. Maybe I can be an investigator...probably not.
s**t.
I'll feel better tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day to make the best of, yes.
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