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History repeats itself, doesn't it? Especially when you're as dense as I.
I wonder if people ever realize the words they say sometimes. I've always lived through words...
Sometimes I scared to do much more...
"What if you make a mistake?"
One voice will say...
"You don't know how... you'll never be able to on you own..."
Maybe I should call that... zero self esteem?
I went to sleep last night thinking that I was good for nothing. Not good enough at all... just some kind of waste. I went to sleep last night thinking I made the only person who mattered hate me...
...
"You have to put effort into a friendship..."
And I get it only now, why?
I always go about thinking all these people around me are so strong and I'm just flimsy; weak willed. They can do all these things that my nerve hesitates with. And they don't even seem the least bit nervous. It lead me on to believe these people must be all strong in the mind. Strong in the soul...
So you sit there like a rag doll... you give them their permission, "Do as you wish."
Basically...
Throw your odd life atop their shoulders, a long with their own spiraling confusion. Just do whatever they decide to... 'cause you know you can't have an opinion.
I've been always scared to have an opinion... scared to do much of anything. What if I screw up; what if I ruin this?
But... it's my reluctant-ness that ends up messing around with it in the end.
...
I think she was tired of me living my life through her. So she backed off and waited to see if any effort on my part would happen...
I failed that test...
And now she hates me~
And then...
For a moment...
I thought it was happening again...
Except through him instead.
And why don't I just realize already... that I have to put life into it. Words aren't good enough. I'll never be good enough with just words. Even if they mean everything... even if it took a lot of courage just to be brave enough to say it all the time.
But it's still a failure. I'm only good with the responding...
...
Response...
I can respond to things... I can go on and become brave once things have already been tipped into play by someone else...
Once someone shows it's okay...
...
I'm scared to do things with out exact, step-by-step instructions. 'Cause without them, I'm sure to fail...
...
But anyway...
I went to sleep, I managed to keep most of my tears down...
I went to sleep mumbling that I wasn't good enough...
"I could never be good enough with just words..."
And I woke up feeling determined to fix it. And I don't care how many times I have to breakdown afterwards, I have to learn to be like everyone else. 'Cause that's what everyone else wants...
I have to put action to my words... so that I can prove you're worth more to than any of that stuff anyway. So I can prove I'm not afraid...
And then I gained more motivation upon an event...
And I found out he still loved me...
And everything felt alright again.
I could breathe again...
But. If I'm not about to let it mess up again...
I have to reshape myself a bit. Take on some new traits that I'm lacking. Find some self respect. Rebuild my personality again...
I never seem to get it right...
...
...
I don't think I've used a single face throughout the whole entry... o.o
There you go. xD
...
This wasn't meant to be negative. <.<; I... don't know if it turned out to be or not...
I love you so much. >.< But I seem to hurt you too much for that to be good enough. >.< But don't worry... I'm sure I can fix this. :3
I freaked out yesterday 'cause everything just stressed me out suddenly... <.<;
Had a really bad headache after. The kind in the eyes. Pressure... pressure... pressure. Dx Made it terribly hard to fall asleep. >.< Which made it terribly hard not to think. <.<;
What am I saying with this once again, dorky entry of mine?
Sorry. I'm sorry that I screw up all the time. That I'm afraid. That I'm weak. That I'm pretty empty-headed. That I'm annoying. That I run away too much. Please don't ever take it personally. >.< Don't ever take it as to there's anything wrong with you. It's just my inner battles. It's just me... trying to figure out me. >.< And I don't mean to get you caught in between...
...
I'm so glad you don't hate me. >.< I guess you think I'm pretty dense for assuming so at all. Forever hasn't happened yet, right? We still have until then. :3 That gives me plenty of time to become a perfect person for you. >.<
Just...
Don't expect too much...
...
I've made this entry very straight forward... <.<;
It's almost six AM... why am I awake?
Why do I start these journal entries, when I know that I'll just go on and on in them...
On and on... about nothing that makes sense.
I miss you so much. It hurts... xD Kind of like... the times before. Back around November or December...
An aching... longing... yearning... but back then it was because it was for something beyond my grasp...
So what is it now? Too much time without you; I've become too attached, I think. But I want to be, so it's fine right?
...
I'm starting to not really understand my thoughts anymore. I'm actually... really confused suddenly. xD I think I want to go back to sleep... >.< I think I can't sit here any longer... >.<
...
I love you more than the words can describe. >.< And please don't ever think otherwise. >.<
I'm sorry for wasting so much time again... <.<;
But thank you for it. >.<
Bye. o-o
- Sakura Lied.
 Lyccea · Tue Feb 27, 2007 @ 11:04am · 0 Comments |
