But who gets to decide I am wondering.
Yah... I am an artist. Its what makes me happy, its what pisses me off and... well, its a lot of things to me. When I say I am an artist I don't mean I paint things (even though I do that too); what I mean is that I am creative. I cannot help it. I see something and want to change it, make it better, make something new to replace it, make something new which it inspired me to think of. Thats my nature. I cannot change it. Or I don't think I can.
I am considered "smart" and I am good at a lot of other (dare I say mundane) skills, and I seem to have an ok learning curve (tend to learn faster than most and then reach a ceiling and the ones who were slower learners pass me - or did I become too disinterested in getting better?). I could be good at other things, I could be. I have been before... but this lacks something. And so I spend my time doing art. Writing stories, daydreaming, thinking up inventions, games, new forms of entertainment - and never really applying them to anything practical. Is this destiny or genes? Is it within my control. Can I turn it off like a button? Was I the one who turned it on like a button? Can I become good at real life if I force myself to let go of my creative side. Is this even possible? Can I become good at real life and still be creative? Can I stop "painting" and funnel my creativity somewhere else without feeling that loss?
The past year I have come to a crossroads in my life. I am older now, I am not getting any younger. I never considered art as a career, and I still won't. I always said, hey if I have to go back to school, it will be to learn a "real" skill, something sensible which makes money without a struggle because I can be an artist for free. I cannot really afford to struggle in the art world, but I am bitterly envious of those who decide to do it regardless of its practicality. I'm bitter not of their success (I don't know any truly successful artists), but of their determination to do it anyway, and of feeling as though thats not an option for me. I wish I could go to school for art, but its not practical. I have to be practical now, with a husband who is sicker than ever before and with me, who sucks at real life. I waited too long to come to these decisions, and I admit I still haven't made them. Why do I suck at real life? Why do I hate the world, the people in it, and at the same time why am I smiling to myself saying, oh but I really understand 'them'? But if that was true then why is it so hard for me to get along with them? Why is it so hard to conform my ways to other people and just do what is expected of me? Why is it everything I say is out of place, wrong, hard to understand, not PC, blunt, abrupt, eccentric, etc etc. Is it because of my 'programming' (environmental or biological, take your pick), is it because I don't try hard enough? Are the people who do try really wearing a mask, or are they just good at things? If thats true then why is the way I act such an impropriety. Why am I always outside of everyone else? Why do I prefer it that way?
What is it like to be a drone?
How do people stand it?
How can someone who doesn't care much about material things ever be satisfied by the life of a drone? Are the drones even satisfied? Is a drone really an artist who mastered the skill of being a drone?
What is this philosophy bullshit?
I don't know. I am just thinking, throwing a temper tantrum again. My muse came back this week, and I have begun painting, and at the same time there is this little part of me screaming and trying to say no, stop it stop it. Why waste anymore time on a skill which hampers me from trying other things and is nothing more than a hobby and can't ever be anything more than that.
Yes, I know I am all over the place with this. Anyway, what can you expect of an artist really? No sense of direction and always lost in the clouds. But life can be rude and force you to pay attention to it, so its good to know how to live like a normal person too.
Some people say there is no such thing as "normal", but I don't believe that its true. Normal is the majority. Normal is what is accepted. I am neither of those things and I don't care for the most part. No one knows me here, in real life, and I imagine it will remain that way. Because I am tired of pretending to be like everyone else, its a strain, a drain and a real chore. I am bored of talking to other people who are pretending to be like everyone else. But to add insult to injury, I am not good at that either. Social skills can be useful, I admit, but they are also pretty hard to master for a person who is not social and has no desire to be so. I can do it for a little while, but in the end I am craving my solitude, my silence, and my few close friends who I can be myself around.
Yes I realize everyone has to have a mask on in society. But, I think it is even more true for an artist. At least it is for me.
Anyway, I think I have rambled enough here. I will get back to this.
Later.
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Kimaya's Real Life
.: sometimes I live in the real world and this is what happens when I do :.
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Kimaya
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