Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Hi,

I don't write much in here, because I write enough to
keep me happy everywhere else.

I can't keep this a secret, so I think this will be the safest place to put my secret.
No one reads this, and even if they did, they would think that it's just a cry
for attention. So, here goes

I got into a really big fight with my fiancé last night.

Originally we were just talking about this one situation where he had lost his virginity to a girl, and she told him the next day that her boyfriend was in Iraq.

We were arguing about who gets the short end of the social stick, and why. All the while, he was making me jealous at a dangerous* rate.

*I am a Taurus, and anyone who knows their Western Zodiac symbols will tell you that the Taurus woman can sometimes be a very jealous person,
and that from time to time, Tauruses in general will suffer what is known as a "Taurus Exlplosion".

I have learned the feeling of being on the verge of the "Taurus Explosion" and I begged my boyfriend, "Please. Don't touch me, I'm really f***ing angry, and I need to cool down."

He didn't let me go, and I tried to push away from him, and he hit me across the stomach, pushing me away from him.
He went and sat down, and pulled up his laptop.
I disregarded what he had done for the moment, sitting down and taking off my jewelry to go to bed.
I stopped myself after I had taken off my bracelets, hat, and tied my hair.
What he did finally registered in my mind. So, I asked, "Why did you hit me?"
No answer. I dropped it. Laid down and pulled tried to relax. He got up and come towards me. "I don't want to start a fight, J***."
I got up, "What are you doing?"
He came up and put his head on mine. I thought he was trying to to a kind gesture, but I started feeling him press his head harder towards me. I whispered, "Stop, J***." "Please, stop."
He didn't stop, so I turned my head away and pushed him back, "No."
He came and shoved me back.
Before I knew what was going on, he was on top of me and he called me a "w****", and I became enraged.
He began to try to choke me out.
I wasn't going to let that happen, so I ducked my neck in as hard as I could.
He started hitting my back and trying to get my back, but I struggled out. He started punching the back of my head, but I know that it was dangerous due to the brain stem in that area, so I pulled my body up, so he would hit my back and spine.
I was choosing certain pain over possible brain damage.
He finally got me in a lock, and he started choking me.
I tried my hardest to pat him repeatedly on the back, letting him know that I was tapping out. I did, but he didn't stop.
I got my chance and I pushed him away from me.
He moved close, and I blindly defended myself, scratching and hitting and trying to keep him away.
At this point I was in tears from the pain, and from the confusion.
I got up, and he shoved me against his bathroom door, choking me.
"Is THIS what you want? HUH?", he grunted,
"Do you LIKE when I'm ANGRY? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT? HUH?"
I pushed him away for a second, I couldn't breathe. There was spit in my mouth, and I had to spit it out, so I aim for the sink. I turned my head and spit quickly, turning my head back to face him. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed it was red.
He became less aggressive. I couldn't take it anymore, I started calling out, "Papi!"
(Papi means daddy in spanish)
"Papi, por favor! Papi! Outsilio!"
(Daddy, please! Daddy! Help!)
He embraced me in tears, "I told you I was a monster! Why didn't you listen? WHY?"
I was still in terror, and having this precious second to call out for help I did, but I couldn't muster the strength to scream in English,
"Papi! Papi!"
And as he tried to keep me in his embrace I yelled out,
"NO! NO! No!" I wanted nothing more than for him to disappear and let me die there. I almost got me wish.
I started hyperventilating. I couldn't catch my breath, I tried but it just came in stronger and faster, and all my pain escalated.
Every bruise, and in my mouth, and on my back and in my lungs, and on my legs, and on my arms,
EVERYTHING escalated. I tried to shut my mouth and only succeeded for a moment. After an agonizingly long two seconds I passed out.
It was the happiest I was all night. Passing out to the familiar world of unconsciousness. It is sweet in its painlessness, and its unknown length. It feels like a moment, but it feels like you've been there forever and ever.
To not feel anything is the sweetest feeling in this world, I just wish it actually would last for the fraction of a second that it lasts. You don't dream when you're knocked out. You wake up immediately after being knocked out, or at least thats what it seems. But it feels like you've been there for an eternity.

When I woke up, he was sobbing uncontrollably on my lap, and mumbling, "Why? You didn't listen. Why didn't you believe me? I hurt you, and I enjoyed it. I'm a horrible person. I'm a monster."
I held him close. I don't know why, but I did. It hurt me more than the beating to see and hear him crying. It hurt so deep to hear him say that, mostly because he had brought to realization my fears of him.
.......
I can't type anymore. Not for now at least. I'll come back and add to this later.
Bye, no one.