I wonder if anyone ever finds themselves in a situation where they constantly give and give (thoughts, worries, feelings, etc), and somehow always end up doing something to screw it all up even if they didn't have bad intentions. When something like this happens do they ever have any hope (however big) this s**t will be resolved...
I've been wondering...I always lay good intention on the shelf and constantly give. Somehow, I end up doing something to make a huge blow up due to whatever it is, This crap always seems to happen with certain people, as in people I've held feelings for (unrequited). I always try to go out of my way to hold myself back and try to do whatever I can to try and help...then of course I naturally let out a floodgate of information, revealing s**t going on in my head...whether or not it's a weakness. Why is it people I have feelings for somehow end up getting flooded with information from me....is it just that I'm way too trusting of them...? I always respect them and think about what they've said....but I wonder.....am I too nice? Could all of this s**t been avoided if I had acted on first impulse? I mean, what's a small hurt in the beginning compared to the hurt that happens when you're that attached? Why the hell didn't I override my niceness and take what I wanted? Why the hell did I have to try and deny what I wanted, just for the sake of their feelings?? How the ******** do I always DO this s**t?? I'm so tired of always smiling and trying to seem like I only have friendly intentions......but yet I just keep on doing it. Maybe I should work on this idiotic stupidity and work on closing my heart, and ONLY opening it when I know it won't be tossed around like a plaything. God, sometimes I look at myself and hate myself so damm much.
 Spontaneous Frisson · Thu Mar 11, 2010 @ 09:19am · 0 Comments |
