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A short bit of guff for someone who once cared about me |
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This is a message about someone, but not necessarily to them. I don't expect them to ever read this, I somewhat hope they don't.
But to a person who was once a friend and also more than that, I wish to say that you were great. In some ways, I miss you.
In a more adult retrospect, I realize that you were truly a genuinely strange and weird person. But not unlike Mr. Rodgers or Tom Baker, being a person who feels different from everyone else isn't a bad thing. It can be wonderful. And were.
I still have mementos, little crafts seemingly snatched out of time from when we were close. Handcrafted symbols of affection and care. We may not be in love or even in each other's minds, but those little stuffed bits and bobs feel like something beyond that. Tangible constructs of the kindness and feelings you felt for the me that you knew. That means a lot even now.
Thank you for those stuffed joys. They are cherished to me, even still.
 suecra · Wed Dec 16, 2020 @ 05:00am · 0 Comments |
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I've pulled this wretched thing up again |
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In all frankness, I don't know why I've been compelled to blow the dust off of this old site. This account is a relic. I've found myself glancing back at it, once or twice within the last few weeks. Every friend I've had on here either doesn't really talk to me in general anymore, or haven't logged on for years. I suppose that might be to their benefits. I regret people knowing the me I used to be. Not to say that someone can completely shed their past and the things they've said or done, whatever that may be.
It's honestly a whiplash worthy shift. The person who created this account and me seem to have little in common. This account was made by a lonely idiot, a cretin of a boy who was oftentimes a blatantly sexist creep who was clinging to a LOLRandom scene-era person because it felt like the only way to communicate with anyone remotely desirable. They were an embarrassing mess who if born any later in history would have been 2 forum deep dives away from becoming an incel or something equally repulsive.
If that child of a person could see themselves now and see what had changed, what would they think? Lately I rather frequently think about what that version of myself would think if they met me now. If they had been confronted with a future version of themselves who was a nonbinary trans lady with a roughly shaven face and a mouth full of Doctor Who trivia...what would they think? I feel like that person would dread this. They wouldn't know what to think.
But even moreso, I wish I knew what it would be like for the friends I no longer have to meet the me that I am now. People who don't associate with me for the places I've been and ways that I've behaved years ago. I sometimes feel so focused on all the problems I have now. Feeling stuck in a retail job that I honestly don't feel to great about anymore. Living in a home I've all but outgrown purely out of a lack of resources. Being engaged to someone but not being sure if we'll ever get married because of the potential of them becoming legally considered disabled and the difficulties that brings to a couple legally. I constantly feel as if I've never had any goals or desires, no direction or place to shoot for. (They say to shoot for the moon because if you miss, you'll still reach the stars right?)
Sometimes I pull back from that stuff, that ever present stuff, to think about those who are no longer around. My exes, who I've wronged, either from being overbearing and creepy, to completely behaving inappropriately in an emotional way. There are friends who I used to consider the closest people to me, even if we didn't talk very much. For a long time, I almost purposefully didn't talk to them; not for anything going on in their lives, but because I always felt like I was left out. I didn't call or text people I called my best friends because I constantly felt like I'd be bothering them, interrupting their conversations with other people that they liked more. Everyone was always better friends with each other than they were with me. Maybe if I talked to them more it wouldn't have felt like that. I guess I'll never know.
I actually think back, trying to remember as best I can, about the situations that happened back then. And it's so strange to try and fit my mindset into any place from then. I can't find the logic or sense in any of the stuff. I don't remember everything but I remember enough to know it wasn't right.
I suppose I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess it's a continual epitaph to the person I was, and everything they lost.
suecra · Wed Dec 16, 2020 @ 04:53am · 0 Comments |
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