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A rainbow.
(I copied and pasted this from another site I use so sorry if there's some BB bullshit in there)
"Mom I wish you were still here..."
I can't tell anyone how many times I've said that phrase, let alone thought it. I've lost count after all of these years. Yet, it still rings true to this very day. Any time ANY event happens the first thought that pops in to my head is that I need to tell my mother. Than right after that I'm reminded that I'm all alone... The one person who I confided everything too is gone. My rock, my best friend, MY MOTHER. She's gone and I still can't wrap my head around it. I don' t want to wrap my head around it...the moment I'm okay with her being gone scares me so much.
Maybe "being okay" isn't the right phrase...I'll never be okay with her being gone. The day she died in front of my eyes is forever burned into my memory. I can't move on, I can't breathe...my whole being hurts so much when I think of her. I blame myself for everything that happened that day. I was lazy, inconsiderate, and in a rush. I regret everything I did that day and I can't change it no matter how hard I wish for it. Everyone tells me that I can't blame myself but I can and I do.
She's missing out on so much and it's all my fault. She'll never see my sister or I get married. She'll never see how much my sister has grown since she's had her daughter. SHE'LL NEVER SEE HER GRANDDAUGHTER. It was suppose to be a quick trip to a stupid ******** grocery store and we were going to be home..I didn't think..I didn't ******** think.
How do you forgive yourself when you purposely didn't do what needed to be done? How do you explain to your family that you didn't keep your promise to take care of her? How do you move on?
I feel stuck and I am. I can't move on because everything that happened after that just adds to it. Watching my family die one by one at such a young age has shaped who I am..It's not healthy but it has. How do you tell your sister that you're the reason why the entire family fell apart? How do you apologize? How do you visit her family and not feel guilty?
There's a hole in who I am and I can't fix it. I just keep adding more bullshit to my life and watch as the hole gets bigger and bigger.
How do people do this sober?
I dream of her, my grandma, and my grandpa every night. Sometimes my sister is there and sometimes she's not. The one's that hurt the most are the ones where they don't know who I am. I don't even know who I am anymore.. I don't WANT to know who I am at this point..
I know people say I can't hold on to the past but, I can't let go. The past is where I use to be happy and content. Where I didn't think about what I needed to do the next day. I lived in the moment and in that day..I knew I always had a person who would love me no matter how badly I ******** up. Someone who would stay up till 4am watching the cooking channel with me and then run to McDonald's because we were both hungry. Someone who depended on me as much as I depended on them. Someone I knew didn't care that I felt like a failure, because in her eyes I wasn't. I was an amazing daughter who stayed by her side no matter what. Someone who told her grandparents to go home after being in the ER for 8+ hours. I was strong and sure back then..looking at myself today... I hate myself.
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