I just felt like noting down what I feel right now about myself, what I have done, what I have done to myself, or what I have done to others.
You know sometimes, you just hate yourself for what you did to others, and wish that you never did? Well, maybe some of you do. But worst, I sometimes wish I was not existed. Not that I wish that, but here I am, existed, typing this down.
Wishing not being existed isn't the same as wishing for death. Death is painful thing. I will have to face it anyway. Suicide, isn't another way of solution either. It's just as equal as giving up. And I could not give up, I just had to continue moving forward, even though I have to walk backwards.
Maybe I was just stuck to the past that I had back when I was in High School. Maybe that's why, those feelings I had is just carried with me. And caused me more suffering. When I thought I had a good friend, then I just made mistakes that I should not. And now I know, some people may has labeled me as emo, though I only thought I'm just being over-emotional about things, or being sensitive. It's not the same as being emo. Not the way I view it.
And when I do, I start doing things irrationally. Being some drama king. I just could not control myself. It's hard to control of your behavior when you lost control of your emotions.
Then when I thought I could at least enjoy doing some thing with a friend, it get worst when they fall for you. And you know you just can't because you're not ready for it, and you were only doing it because you are friends. And because of that one-sided love situation, things get worst in your friendship. When you just thought you were having fun with your friends.
I hate being attached to the past. But why can't I let go of them? It's stupid. I feel stupid. People say it's easy, but I find it hard. Sometimes, I just hate myself for this kind of behavior. Sometimes I just wish I am not existed, because I don't want to be exist to become like this. Why can't I exist and be a better person? Why can't I exist to become someone people can acknowledge? Or being someone that people can like? Or not hated? Why do I have to keep being this way, and repeating the same mistake?
I don't wanna die, it would be painful, for me, or for the people around me.
I just keep walking forward blindly. Not knowing if I'm in the right path or not. And hate to be what I am now. Sigh... I don't know what to say. I just keep on rambling about the same thing.
Makes me wanna cry. Hating myself. The who me. And I believe I am a male who cries a lot more than any girls does. I don't know why. But I rather cry than keeping it suppressed inside. My heart is too small to store enough hatred and sorrow. I hate this feeling, I hate it. I hate to be who I am now. But I have to endure it, and continue on living.
This is probably how I tell the world about my feelings. How, I just wish I wasn't existed to be like this. I don't want to hurt others. I rather hurt myself than hurting others. Probably I'm a wuss enough to even hurt myself to protect others. Prolly, deep down, I am selfish.
Sometimes I wish I could be like the other person. I'm so envious. I wish I could be admired like them. At the very least, I am not hatred. When my friends has friends who they really admired or enjoyed being with, I could not feel that enjoyment, but jealousy that they could be such a great person. And I hate it when they talk about stuff, but I could not pull of some random chat and made the people had fun chit-chatting. I really hate the fact that I could not be as cool.
What's gotten to me? Blargh, who cares.
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