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Four years...
That's how long it's been. Since that day, that fateful day.
Four years ago today you asked me something; a question that would change my life forever. I still remember exactly what you said.
"You should be my lover. Maybe you would treat me better than he did..."
*sigh* Oh, how I wish it would have been that simple...Looking back I've never really seen just how foolish I'd been, but regardless I set out like a dog chasing after a car.
It began with that oh so simple night, that question, and my answer. All that night I remember you telling me how excited you were and how you just couldn't sleep that night. I said yes, and so it began: the journey of our lives.
The first few weeks were interesting I suppose I could say. We were off to a rather rocky start; you had yet to tie up some loose ends with your past, and I had mine, but we ventured through it--together. I still remember what our first date was like, the first time I ever laid eyes on you in person. That beautiful, bright dress you wore that day still flashes in my mind at the thought. True, it was rather awkward at first hearing you talk to me about how I evidently reminded you of an acquaintance of yours, but we still managed to have some fun along the way. We walked around town, joked a bit, got coffee at that starbucks out on the corner while your mother waited. It was the beginning of something truly magical in our lives.
Back then you lived a fair distance away, so we seldom got to see each other in person, but we managed to balance it out with a fair amount of chatting right here on this very website. Oh, the times we had here, am I right? Hah...
Our second date was a little more comfortable. It started out like the first, calm as usual, just a trip to the mall for a while. We met up there, and I gave you the first real present I had ever given you...I remember exactly what it was. A stuffed seal, a stuffed duck, and an old favorite jacket of mine that I wanted you to have...I hope you know how much it meant to me..
Just a few weeks after our first couple of dates I discovered to my alarm that you had undergone an emotional "episode" and wound up in the hospital. I was devastated; just over a few weeks in and already our first situation. Still you called me whenever you could from that lonely hospital, as we spoke on for as long as we could making sure we were both okay. It was during that time that I made a certain promise to you upon your return, on our next date, that something truly magical would happen...
Then for our next date once you had gotten out of the hospital I decided to take you for a walk down the park trail. We walked for some time, sharing laughs and even beginning to hold hands together. You wouldn't believe how nervous I was to take your hand for the first time, but that doesn't even begin to compare to what happened next--our first kiss.
I took you up to a spot along the creek where a dam was built overlooking the city and hills to the east. It wasn't much of a romantic place, but it will always be in my memory because of what happened there, on that cement bench that warm summer's day. Sure, it was rather awkward as far as first kisses go, but it's definitely a kiss that I'll never forget the feeling of, even if it only lasted a moment. This was but one of many memories we shared together, only the beginning of our wonderful adventure together, my first true love...
After our kiss thing seemed steady for a while with no major interruptions, aside from still having to tie up loose ends with you know who despite my best efforts to get you to do so.
The next significant memory I can think of was your birthday. I wanted to make it memorable to you since it was your sixteenth birthday, so I did what i could to make it special for you. I remember taking you out to dinner and us spending the evening together just being happy as ever, and I remember giving you the charm bracelet made special with your birthstone on it...Along with the special inscription I had put on that simply said "Forever"...If I had only known...More important still that happened that very day was the first time I truly heard you utter the words, and actually mean it. You told me that you loved me for the very first time that day, and I will never forget the feeling when you finally did...
And then, oh then...Then came another moment which changed everything. On October 31st, 2008--Our first Halloween together. We decided to be together for the evening, just you and I. We went everywhere, to the mall, around the neighborhood, and finally to the park where it all happened...The first time you and I experienced intimacy together in that little clearing by the creek...I'll leave the rest to memory, you and I both know what happened that night, and I don't need to share it with everyone.
Fast-forwarding a bit to my birthday now. It was another special occasion that I couldn't have been happier to have shared with you. I remember the first birthday present you had ever given me, and to this day it remains my most precious possession, nearest and dearest to my heart. It was a pair of dog tags, one with the Japanese kanji for "love" written on it, and on the other a special inscription that read something that I will never in all my days ever forget.
"Forever I'm yours. Christina and Chris. 7-10-08"
There was also the red and black wristband you had given me, along with the arm warmers, all of which still mean the whole world to me to this very day.
Next came our first valentines day together...It was an interesting one, to say the least. Not quite the most spectacular of valentines days we've spent together, but still memorable all the same. We both went to the boardwalk for the day hoping for a nice romantic day. However, the weather seemed to think otherwise. Unfortunately, it was rather wet that day, but it wasn't all bad. At least I had fun with you somewhere new for the first time...And the present you made for me all by yourself, those "love coupons" as you so sweetly called them. Coupons, by the way, that I still hold to this day. Each and every one of them...Even if our first Valentines day turned out to be less than perfect, your thoughtfulness always did have a way of shining through...I don't know why I never truly saw it before...
Not much happened between then and the month of July of 2009, our first anniversary together...It was a landmark, a major milestone between you and I. One whole year together--longer than either of us had ever been in a relationship for. I remember feeling so proud to have made it that far, so happy, so ecstatic, so many things at once...But the things I remember most are perhaps being with you on the 7th of July, you know what I'm referring to of course...And of course on our anniversary I had to do something special for you--I got you another bracelet, this time hand made. I was so glad you liked it, and I'm still glad you seem to enjoy it even to this day...It took quite a bit to make y'know, hah...It seemed like such an eternity back then, but we managed to make it for an entire year...Of course looking back now I realize just how insignificant that is compared to where we are now--where we would have been that is.
It only got crazier from there though, I'm sure you and i both know that...
On September 6th of 2009, it happened--we did it. For the very first time, we were fully intimate with each other, fully connected, so close...It meant so much to me, that one day spent with you where something was given from both ends that can never be taken back, and I will always remember, forever...&3
After that, things were quiet, at least for a while. At least until perhaps the darkest experience I had ever gone through in my entire life. I had nearly lost you to anorexia...If only you had known how much I suffered watching you do that to yourself, watching you slowly waste away and not even care...It tore me to pieces, enough so that I myself had been driven to the edge and sent to the hospital for some time. I already wrote about that in past entries though, I don't feel like retelling the story...The important thing is we survived, and we made it together. On we went to more magical things, onward on this crazy journey we went through together...
Valentines day of 2010 was perhaps the most magical of all that I had ever experienced with you, although once more I had already chronicled this in a past entry if you wish to go over that again...But know this, that I will never forget, and still hold it just as dearly as I always have. It is still, and always will be perhaps the most magical time I've ever had with you, my dear...
Perhaps I could go on forever chronicling each and every event transpired between that fateful day of July 10th, 2008 until the present day, but that would simply take too much space and time and I would probably just end up rambling endlessly and going off on rabbit trails...
Most importantly of all, my love, is that you know something, that I communicate something to you...I messed up. If ever I were to regret anything I had done with you in the past four years, it would be what I had done recently to you. I should never have done such things, said such lies, played around as I did...I guess what I'm trying to say is this--you were right. I was too quick to judge, and I was selfish. You always were so wonderful, so thoughtful, doing all that you did for me and I had the nerve to just sit here and complain every time something didn't quite go the way I had wanted it to. I was stupid, and I'm sorry. My only wish is that you might someday forgive me, and that you wouldn't hate me for it. I'm sorry Christina. I'm sorry I failed you. I hope that someday you can forgive me insolence, my unfaithfulness, my imperfection...
And now as I end this day, this July 10th, four years after that fateful day when it all began, I sit here and remember. I remember not the bad, not the arguments we had, not the unfortunate, but the good. Those wonderful moments we shared together--both of us. They're in our memories forever now, in our hearts. I hope someday you too can look back fondly on our time together, and that I may as well, but for now I'm sure you probably won't want to bear the pain of it all--you leave that to me. I deserve it.
I'm making this journal public, in the hopes that you would read it some time soon. It doesn't have to be now, or in a week, a month, or even another year, but I do hope that someday you read this, and understand just how much I love you, and how I always will.
I love you Christina. The past four years I've loved you, and even though we can't be together anymore I always will love you just the same.
Happy anniversary, my first true love...
7-10-08
~Someone who will never forget you </3
 II Xero II · Tue Jul 10, 2012 @ 09:43am · 1 Comments |
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