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The Joke Journal
Thu Aug 12, 2010, 6:36 AM
This is the journal you've all been waiting for... The compilation of all the jokes I've ever put up in my journals.. and MORE..!!!
So yeah. This is going to be the journal where I put up all the jokes from now on.
I get most of my jokes from the 'Funny Jokes' app on my smart phone.
Updates will be made occasionally. lol
My hope is that this would help lighten up your life just a bit.
ENJOY! biggrin
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NEWEST JOKES (8/12/10)
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never--- aw f!@# this, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY!?!?"
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(Summer time) "I miss my friends. I wanna go back to school!"
(First day of school) "Screw my friends. I wanna go home."
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Dear Math,
We don't like solving your problems, so man the hell up and solve them on your own!
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Dear Pringles,
Now that I am no longer a small child, I can no longer fit my adult hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Please work on this STAT!
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
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"File... save" (File name already in use.) "JLKSKSLJF... save"
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A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friend, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite food, fears, and dental appointments.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
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There is a tree on the left side of the road, a baby in the middle, and a telephone pole on the right. What would you hit?
Answer: brakes
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"Do you look at your husband's face when you make love?"
"I did once and saw anger in his face."
"Why was he angry?"
"He was watching through the window.."
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An angry wife meets her husband at the door. There's alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume that there's a very good reason you are waltzing in here at 6AM." she snarled. "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
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What would happen if Pinocchio were to say, "My nose is about to grow"?
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Romantic movies make women believe that crap like that could actually happen... Kinda like men and porn...
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I take you to be my lawfully wedded text buddy. To have and harass, in rich quotes and silly jokes, till dead battery do us part.
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My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
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If a stadium full of midgets was to do the wave, would that be a ripple?
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Soldier: Sir, we are surrounded!
Major: Excellent! Now we can attack in any direction!
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I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for her birthday. She said "something with a lot of diamonds." I hope she likes the deck of cards I got for her.
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Justin Bieber's new album is coming out this weekend.
Also coming out: any man who buys it.
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The biggest lie in history: "I have read and agreed to the terms..."
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Every time I see the word "explain" on a test, a little part of me dies.
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If the world doesn't end in December 21, 2012, there's gonna be a lot of babies born in September 2013.
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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep, and not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
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Boy: There's a kid at school that keeps calling me a f**.
Dad: Well, punch him in the face!!
Boy: But he's soo cute..
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I am as mad as a mosquito in a mannequin factory.
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Can you tell your boobs to please stop staring at my eyes? thanks.
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After reading the the sentence, you are now aware that the the human brain does not inform you that the the word "the" has been repeated twice every time.
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After Monday and Tuesday, even the calender says W T F.
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A woman's 4 favorite animals: a mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and an a** to pay for it all!
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due tomorrow = do tomorrow.
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What's the worst place to have a fire? The factory where they make those trick birthday candles.
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Paper cut: tree's last revenge.
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If I actually lived like there's no tomorrow, I'd be in jail.
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Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing you will be an idiot in the future. Common sense is trying not to be an idiot right now.
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I'm not lazy. I'm overflowing with potential energy.
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"Does this dress make me look fat?"
"No, your fat makes you look fat."
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I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle.
Another dime if you take your time.
A quarter if you go slower,
and a dollar if you can make me holler!
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That new Robin Hood film isn't very historically accurate.
Everyone knows Robin Hood was a talking fox.
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Pardon me, sir gangster, your trousers are descending.
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If I had a nickel for every time you pissed me off, I would put those nickels in a sack and beat you with it.
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I don't fear death but I do fear inconveniences, and death would be one hell of an inconvenience.
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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? outlaws are wanted.
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I hate weddings because old people always poke you and say, "you're next."
So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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A pregnant woman lapses into a coma as she gives birth to twins. When she awakes, she's told that her brother was asked to name the boy and the girl. "My idiot brother named them? Oh God, I just hope he didn't screw it up.. What did he name my daughter?" she asked the doctor. "Denise," the doctor replied. "Oh, that's not too bad. How about my son?" she asked. "Denephew"
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Hey Cupid, can you shoot both of us next time?
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Knock knock!
Who's there?
You love!
You love who?
I love YOU!! <3 xd :
Short Jokes
You know what's ironic? Dying in the living room.
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Today I decided that I want to be a ninja when I grow up. I searched the Internet for "Ninja School" to see where I can be professionally trained in the art. I followed a link that said Ninja School, and the page could not be found.
Well played, Ninja School!
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Three Dreams of a Man:
1) To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
2) To be as rich as his child believes.
3) To have as many women as his wife suspects.
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There are 2 kinds of people in this world: the ones who finish what they started, and..
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I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
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What do you do when you're riding a horse full speed with a zebra to your right and a lion chasing you from behind?
Get your drunk a** off the merry-go-round.
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Why did the fish get kicked out of school?
Cause he was caught with seaweed.
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Toyota's new slogan: Moving forward. even if you don't want to.
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The more you study, the more you learn.
The more you learn the more you know.
The more you know the more you forget.
The more you forget the less you know.
So why study?
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What is the difference between girls aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, & 68?
At 8 - you take her to bed & tell her a story
At 18 - you tell her a story & take her to bed
At 28 - you don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed
At 38 - she tells you a story & takes you to bed
At 48 - you tell her a story to avoid taking her to bed
At 58 - you stay in bed to avoid her story
At 68 - if you take her to bed, that'll be SOME STORY!!
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A man wanted to help his wife make a password for the computer. He typed "MyPenis" and she fell over laughing when it said *ERROR: NOT LONG ENOUGH*
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Last night I laid in my bed, looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?"
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A Jewish boy walks up to his father and asks, "Dad, can I have 50 dollars, please?" Dad replies, "40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for? I haven't got 20 dollars! Here's 10 bucks, share it with your sister."
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The Friendship Prayer
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of whoever screws up your day. And may their arms be too short to scratch. Amen.
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I have a body of a god... unfortunately, it's Buddha..
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Why did the thermometer go to college? To get a degree.
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Have you ever noticed that certain words mean completely different things to men and women? for instance, the word "facial"
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Don't think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.
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When. I. Read. Stuff. Like. This. The. Voice. In. My. Head. Takes. Pauses.
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Hey Harry! If I was one of the most powerful wizards that ever lived, I'm pretty sure correcting my own vision would be on the top of my magical things to do list.
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Harry Potter Pick Up Lines
"Hey there, my little snuggle-muggle."
"Are you in Slytherin or Griffindor? Cause I'd like to Slytherin through YOUR Griffindor."
"Here's how you get to my place. Just hop on the Hogwarts Express at Platform Nine and Three-Quarters. Then when you get there, you can hop on something ELSE that's Nine and Three-Quarters."
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S.C.H.O.O.L. = Severely Crappy Hours Of Our Lives
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I wish my grades smoked weed so they would get high.
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Remember when we were kids, how much we wanted to grow up? Man, we really were stupid.
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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? fo drizzle.
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Did you hear the one about the crossed eyed teacher? She couldn't control her pupils.
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Paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
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I used to feel like a man trapped inside a woman's body. but then I was born.
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Ever wondered why toasters have a setting that will burn your toast to the point where it's not edible anymore?
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I just flushed some skittles down the toilet. It was like a ten second NASCAR race.
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Don't you hate it when you buy a bag of packaged air, and there's chips inside it? Pisses me off.
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You're about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
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You couldn't pick up a girl if she had handles.
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The saying "you're not book smart but you're street smart" actually means, "You're a dumbass, but at least you have some common sense."
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Come on Dora! You are bilingual by the age of 5, you should be smart enough to see that the banana tree is right there behind you!
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It's 2010, and I'm still waiting for my damn flying car!!
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Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my wife, Patience to deal with her moods, and Love to forgive her... but please don't give me Strength.. because I'm afraid I'll beat the crap out of her. Amen.
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Sex is not the answer... Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
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You know what really makes me smile? ..facial muscles.
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My doctor told me that 1 out of 3 people who smoke will eventually die. I guess the other 2 becomes immortal.
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A bomber runs into a pet store and shouts, "You all have 1 minute to get out before I blow this joint!" The turtle in the back goes "you b*****d..."
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A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a midget. She screams, "you promised you wouldn't cheat again!" The husband replies, "for God's sakes woman! can't you see that I'm trying to cut down!?"
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God tells Adam, "I've got some good news and some bad news.. The good news is that I've given you a brain and a p***s. The bad news.. You only have enough blood to work one of em at a time."
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I thought of killing myself once. I bought a bottle of whiskey and some pain medication.. But after taking a couple of pills and some shots, I started feeling a hell of a lot better.
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A guy shows up for work late and the boss yells, "you should have been here at 8!!" the guy goes "why? what happened at 8?"
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Geographical definition of sex: It's an action done by Poland into Holand between Thailand, occasionally with a little help from Greece.
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A blonde walks into the library and upto the counter. She SLAMS a book down and screams, "This is the WORST book I've ever read! It has NO plot and far too many characters!" The librarian calmly remarks, "So you're the one who took our phone book..."
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My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse. then she told me to take off her skirt. then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.
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I molested myself last night. I cried "NO!!!" but I knew I wanted it.
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Yo momma's so fat even Naruto don't believe it!!
Conversational Jokes
Teacher: What animal represents you best?
George: Ants because they're hard workers.
Johnny: Pft. You mean because they're small and insignificant.
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Teacher: For those of you who watched the Disney movie, Pocahontas did not marry John Smith!
Joe: But they painted with the colors of the wind together!!!
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"Hold them, cowards! Don't let any of them through!"
"Sir, what about the women and children?"
"Yes! Yes, an excellent idea! Corporal, give them the women and children. That should buy us some time."
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George: rock beats scissors, scissors beat paper, and paper beats rock.
Johnny: paper don't beat rock, rock can rip through paper..
George: well... what beats rock then?
Johnny: hmmm... i dunno. nothing beats rock.
George: oh...
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Mom: tell your father to fix dinner!
Kid: dad, mom wants you to fix dinner!
Dad: why, is it broken?
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"It really IS true what people say behind your back. You DO have a nice a**!"
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"There's no 'I' in 'team', but there is one in 'win' and 'victory', so shut up and give me the ball!"
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"You look like I need a drink."
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God: What's wrong, Adam? you seem sad.
Adam: Well God, I'm lonely.
God: I see. In that case I shall make you a companion who shall be called a woman. she shall pleasure you at all times, cook the best meals for you, never argue, bear your children, never question you, and make passionate love to you whenever you please.
Adam: Great! How much will this cost me?
God: Well my son, it will cost you an arm and a leg.
Adam: Hmmm I see... so what can I get for a rib..?
The rest is just history.
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Dad: Son, I think it's time we had a chat man to man about cybersex.
Son: Umm... okay dad. What did you want to know?
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Consul: your name please?
Saudi: Sheikh Abdul-Aziz
Consul: sex?
Saudi: six time a week.
Consul: i meant, male or female?
Saudi: both male and female, sometimes even camels.
Consul: holy cow...
Saudi: yes, cows and dogs too.
Consul: man, isn't that hostile?
Saudi: horse style, dog style, any style!
Consul: oh dear..!
Saudi: no deer. they run too fast!
Chuck Norris Jokes
When Chuck Norris plays pacman, the ghosts stay in their box.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he is telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
When Chuck Norris watched "The Ring", the little girl in the well died 7 days later.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Chuck Norris can strangle people with a cordless phone.
There's no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control!!
Chuck Norris speaks in fourth person.
Chuck Norris played chess against himself. Both of them won.
Chuck Norris can clog a toilet with his urine.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise!
Chuck Norris and Superman fought once. The loser had to wear an underwear outside of his pants.
The game of chess originally had a piece called the Chuck Norris. It was removed because in one move, it could kill all pawns, knights, and brooks, remove the bishop of his title, de-throne the king, and get the queen pregnant.
Yoda was picked from Chuck Norris' nose.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect 4 with only 3 moves.
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Chuck Norris does not wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo's hiding.
Chuck Norris beat the whole Super Mario Bros game... without jumping.
Chuck Norris can make Miley Cyrus party in Mexico.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
Chuck Norris once made love with a woman in the back of a semi truck. A drop of his semen got onto the seat and became infused with the truck. The truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Once, Death had a near-Chuck-Norris-experience.
Riddles
Silk, silk, silk. What do cows drink?
Answer: Water
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Johnny's mom has 4 sons.
Their names are Penny, Nickel, and Dime. What's her fourth son's name?
Answer: Johnny.
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You are in a locked car and you have a bat. How do you get out?
Answer: You unlock the door.
Long Jokes
The President decides to test LAPD, FBI, and CIA to see who is the best at apprehending criminals. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After 3 monthes of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After 2 weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The LAPD goes in. They come out 2 hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
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A man with a black eye is at the airport. He takes a seat next to another man who had a black eye. He asks, "How did you get yours?" The other man says, "Oh, it was a terrible mix up. I meant to ask the lady over there for two tickets to Pittsburg, but what I actually asked for was two pickets to Tittsburg, so she punched me. How'd you get yours?" The first man says, "Well, like you, I got my words mixed up. I meant to ask my wife to pass the coffee, but what I really said was 'You ruined my life, you stupid whore.'"
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A student comes to the professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything." He returns her gaze. "Anything?" "Anything." His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
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A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!" She looked puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!" This time she looked a little angry, but she brought him a beer. When he finished, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!!!" "THAT'S IT!!" Wife exploded. "You b*****d! You waltz in here, flop your fat a** down, don't even say hello to me, then expect me to run around like your slave!? Don't you realize that I cook, clean, wash, and iron all day long??" The husband sighed, "Crap... it started."
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I heard about this guy who broke into a lion's den at the zoo and got mauled. People were talking about how there should have been better defenses put up to prevent people getting into the cage. I suggested setting up some kind of deterrent. For example, putting some sort of fierce animal in the cage that would attack anybody who climbed in.
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EVER WONDER...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why you don't see the headline "psychic wins lotto"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons? Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why in the hell didn't Noah swat those 2 mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
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After dying, 3 people are asked a question in heaven, "when you're lying in your casket, and your friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The 1st guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest doctors of my time and a great family man." The 2nd guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband and a school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!!!'"
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3 women were having lunch: one married, one engaged, one a mistress. They all decided to give their men a nice surprise and dress up for them. They decided to wear black heels, leather bra, stockings and a mask that covered their eyes. A few days later, they meet up and discuss their ventures. The mistress says, "It was amazing! when he saw me, he whispered that he loved me, then we made love all night long." The engaged woman says, "When my man came home and saw me, he told me that I was the woman of his dreams, then we had a wild night together." The married woman says, "My husband came home, saw me in my stockings, black heels, sexy leather bra and black mask over my eyes and goes, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"
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Why Men are Happy: We keep our last names. The garage is ours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. We can never be pregnant. We can wear a white shirt to a water park. We can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell us the truth. The world is our urinal. We never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress: $5000, Tux rental: $100. People never stare at our chest when we talk to them. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. We get extra credit for slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite us, they can still be our friend. Our underwear is $8.95 for a 3 pack. Everything on our face stays its original color. We only have to shave neck up. We can wear shorts no matter how our legs look. and finally, One wallet & one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons.
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A lady walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist for some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license!" Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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A little girl went up to her mom and asked, "Mom how did the human race appear?" Mom replied, "Well dear, a long time ago, God made Adam and Eve and they had children that started the human race." The little girl then asks her dad the same question and dad answers, "Well, a long time ago, there were these monkeys that evolved into people, and that's how we got here." The little girl ran back to her mom, confused. "Mom, how is it that you say we came from God and dad says we came from monkeys?" Mom replies, "Well sweetie, it's simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your dad told you about his."
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The Patels were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start a family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Patel kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Few minutes later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am," he said. "I've come to-" "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Patel cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know that babies are my specialty?" "Well, that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try 2 in the bathtub, 1 on the couch and a couple on the bed. and sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there. Although I must warn you, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "Oh my! That's a lot..!" gasped Mrs. Patel. "Ma'am, in my line of work, a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it..." said Mrs. Patel. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on top of a bus," he said. "Oh my God!" exclaimed Mrs. Patel. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Patel. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look. and for more than 3 hours too! the mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached, I had to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get started." "A tripod??" "Oh yes, ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held by hand for very long." Mrs. Patel fainted.
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My job is so freaking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by telling you about the folks I work with.
First, there's this supermodel wannabe chick. Yeah, okay, she's pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. She is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless and yet she is here with us. She is a 0 on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers. and I highly suspect she might be a lesbian.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the freakin stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. He is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last 10 years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960s, and to make things worse, he brings his big freakin dog to work. Every damn day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King every single freakin day.
Anyway, I drive these tards around in my van and we solve mysteries and sh*t..
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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine. So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention Female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Attention Male readers: Read on.
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are actually dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this,
it only goes to show that Women Never Listen! :p
 Skyechanter · Thu Aug 12, 2010 @ 04:39pm · 0 Comments |
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