Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

My life sucks a**. That's really the starting point of this ranting blog. Honestly i'm not one who complains too much- i do it enough to vent but not to the point of annoying. or maybe i do and that's something else that people are neglecting to tell me.

Yesterday i got the fabulous news that one of my friends is joining the army. One of my friends who i care for and love dearly is joining the army and starts training in less than a week. I found out this news through a text message. I would've rather found out in person or over the phone but he decides that the best way to tell me is through the text message system. This hurts more than it should- it's his choice and he thinks that he'll succeed and i want to be happy for him. I suppose it's just the fact that it hurts a lot that i might not see him for months or years that's got me done in on this subject. I don't want him to go- my selfish side tells me that i should beg him to stay; i wouldn't do that though. I want him to make his own choices without my influence of asking him to stay and having the remote possibility that he feels guilty for telling me the way he did. I don't blame him though- i wouldn't want to tell me in person or on the phone either. I'll let this matter go- i'll get over it with little time it seems like and frankly i can get over this easier than i might think i can.

There's also this matter of people in general not approving of other people who've come into my life. I can get past that- that's thier own agenda- i don't want to hear about it. I hang with who i choose, and frankly am a little ticked that certian people are telling me that i shouldn't hang out with certian other people just because they have a slight or strong dislike for them. Whatever- i could care less.

I'm an attention whore- it's so very true. I've been feeling a little ignored lately, only having one or two people acknowledge that i exist without me talking to them first. That's something that is hard to change, but i haven't exactly complained about it either so maybe they don't know but i also don't want to sound like a person who can't live without attention. This is something i can also work though with less problems than i might think. I'll get over it.

The fact that my parents are bugging me again about college and all this other stuff is pushing me further away from them than i already am and they don't understand that right now what i need isn't bugging about my one C in english or the fact that i'm only taking "fluff" classes i need their support in the choices that i'm making in my life. They're deciding that this road i chose isn't "appropriate" for myself and need to choose something else to do. ******** that- i've been on this road for years and they never said a word about it until lately when they realized just how serious i am about what i want. I don't need them berating me for having a hickey on my neck- it's not a big deal. So i'm involved again for the first time in ages, so i have a bite on my neck, so what? get over yourselves and let me have a little more freedom than you think i need.

The clincher on this most FABULOUS day is the fact that someone that i've been friends with has decided that i'm no longer fit to be their friend. I got text messages telling me today to leave them alone when all i was doing was trying to be a little playful and friendly and i suddenly get a message back telling me to just leave them alone. And later when i get another message telling me that i should stay away from them altogether. They tell me that i am a person that they can't stand to be around because of the way i act.

So i act differently from the way that you knew me before? Guess what? I changed. I was broken and rebuilt and am no longer the person i was before. I annoy you? well you should've told me. You think that there's no way we can be friends? Fine. You don't want me around. I'll avoid you and not talk to you and maybe if you miss me you'll talk to me. But you tell me to stay out of your life- i will. I won't go against those wishes. You want me to avoid you and not talk to you? I will. I won't let you hurt me anymore than you already have- i can heal. Maybe you don't need me. Fine. I don't need you, i don't need your hugs, i don't need you to talk to me, i don't need you to let me know how you feel about something, i don't need you to do anything with me anymore. I care about you but i suppose that doesn't matter either. I'll let you go- i'll let you decide whether or not later i'm worthy of friendship. I'll let you be without me and i'll not bother you again. I won't look at you, i won't do anything in relation to you again after today. After today this is over between us- AGAIN mind you. I'll leave you alone from now on. We're done, we're over, we're finished. That's all there is to leave with this- it's ended like you want it to be.

So i'm sick of life. So very little at the moment is in the right place where i can know a semblance of happiness. So, ******** this game- I'm done.