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The Red Monkey
Wishes....and their Irrelativity in Reality

I spent 9 months with someone I had loved deeply, but ended heart broken and left with a slight mental disability for a while. And now she's back into the picture, and the truth is I still love her and I always have....

How it started: I had met her in Spanish class my freshman year, and after seeing her I just thought "wow....she is just amazing." . One of the most beautiful things i feel in love with her was her crippled ability. Odd, but i always loved it. She has this wrenched hand and an awkward leg...but it never depreciated her beauty. I got to know her as the months went on.

I couldn't believe how we started to date. smile I still laugh about it today. So, i was flirting with another girl and she comes over and gives me a condom and say" i think you might need this, hahaha". I started to think, since that was the first time we had talked in a long time. I confronted her later, wondering what her feelings were for me. I was surprised when i discovered that she had feelings for me as well.

We dated for 3 months during school and on the last school day.... I gave her my virginity. I always had the hint of a doubt that she may not be clean or diseased from all the rumors i heard...but i ignored them because i was too happy with her to care. I was so blissful, i would've died any day, and brought hell to heaven until they sent me back down. Summer went on, and I felt....why not. And found a small simple plastic ring and proposed in my bathroom. I know, right? I couldn't have been any cornier unless i had proposed to her as she road on my lap on a lawnmower.[god, trying to stop crying right now....not easy. :p ]

Things were great and nearly perfect for the remaining of the summer....than the rumors worsened and so did her attitude. It got so bad with her and one of her friends that i gave her back the ring she gave me and said i take back my proposal. I couldn't take it....it was just unselfishness to the point i was about to leave her period. I tried to talk to her...but it never got through either. She came back to me later that day and apologized, saying she 'didn't want to leave me, ever'. And I believed it.

Things were good for a couple weeks after that, the selfishness ensued, but it was better than before. One thing that irked me more than anything was that she never asked anything a girlfriend always asks. "whats on your mind?" "what do you wanna talk about?" "How are you feeling/doing?" , nothing like that.... i was the one to always ask.....

It was the holidays and proposed to her again, hoping things could only get better. It was a large Christmas tree set up in our local open mall and i had bought it from a local store. (i wasn't rich, and if i was, i would have totally splurged, lol, but instead i spent what i could). I walked her to the tree and sat on the benches in front of it. I got on one knee and said the words that have been dying to come out of me for months. "Will you, Sparks marry me?" she smiled so big, the waning moon would've been jealous. She smile, crying, and said yes. We enjoyed the rest of (most of) the night in each others arms.

Things were ok after that. She still remained distant in a sense, never really opening up to me....but kept bringing up a mental disorder. I kept telling her that I'm here to help when she needs me. She never need me..... She asked once, where i had gotten the ring. (all men reading this, follow the advice you might pick up here) I told her that i wasn't telling where, and that it had cost alot to get it( i lied. Hint, NEVER LIE ABOUT THE RING! Idk even why i did) Which it hadn't.

She discovered later on...and gave back my proposal... School started again, and i told her my fears that i thought i was losing her. She spent the remaining afternoon comforting me that she wouldn't leave me. And that we would make her going to college and me still in HighSchool work. And right before she left to go home, she said she loved me. 11 minutes later, she dumped me. Then within the next month, she was with someone else.....

I tried hard to become her friend again. But it got worse and worse and worse. Not between us, but the night terrors, waking up screaming yelling... the massive headaches...the random blackouts and breaking down contently...i got so used to being alone in my room, i still crave it today sometimes. I got better after school ended... she left....my mind cleared...but was marked, mentally, forever.

Any dream i have anymore is either not remembered, or what i use to wake up screaming to. Lately its more of the latter.

But yeah...we've been talking again... and so far....im doing ok. Seeing and hugging her again, i was surprised I hadnt broken down and ran away to cry....but i wanted to kiss her. To tell you the truth, yes, the cracks are still there and many hands went on putting it back together.... and they aren't happy that i would get it close to what broke it in the first place, again.

But....and i know its a long road; if i really put effort into it next time around....maybe i can make it better again. for both of us... but these are just my wishes....reality will always have its own path.

~<3's Sparks~
Always have, Always will.

Community Member
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  • [12/01/12 05:37am]

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