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I hate waking up.
I feel like everyday all I have is work and school. And I know I'm failing at least 2 of my classes so bad that they won't be able to drift into the passing zone by the end of the year even if I work my a** off. I work at Mc Donalds, and make just above minimum wage. I don't have a car, I don't have IRL friends outside of school, I'm fat, I'm lazy, I'm self-centered, I'm stupid, I'm rude, I'm insensitive and inconsiderate. I hurt people. I lie. I get in the way. I'm sure raleigh could help me add to this list, since out of everyone, I've hurt him the most.
I don't want to sound self centered by saying this, but I hurt myself too. I don't let myself off easy when I do things wrong. I tell myself how ugly I am every day. I can't eat more than a bite without feeling disgusted in myself. I tell myself that I'm probably the only one that loves me, even though I know I don't. I pretend I have friends, I pretend I'm "cool", I pretend I have more money than I do, I pretend to understand people, I pretend to care, I pretend that people like having me around. I cry a lot.
I know there are people out there saying "wow what a t**t, maybe you should try doing something instead of whining about it." I've been told numerous times what to do, I just don't know how to go about doing it. Things like smiling when someone gives me a complament doesnt come naturally. I'd more happily argue about how you're wrong and turn your complament into a rude comment that I will guilt you about later. I don't know why I'm like this. I hate it. I really just want to fit in and be accepted by people. I don't like the way I think. I don't know why I think the way I do either, I grew up in a nice family with values and all that.
I'm scared of the world because I know it'll chew me up and won't be able to stand me. When I walk home from school, there is a busy street, 5-6 lanes of traffic going around 35-45 miles an hour, and the sidewalk probably 2 feet from it, sometimes I think about just walking in front of one of those cars. They wouldnt have time to stop. I know its aweful of me to think about ruining someones day with a body mashed to their car, and make them feel guilty the rest of their lives for having killed someone. I know people know what I'm thinking too. Sometimes I'll just stop walking and stand at the sidewalk watching the cars go by. I wish that one of those kids walking past me would have the nerve to push me out there, because I don't.
Go ahead and tell me what a f** I am. I wish I cared more about other people. I hate the way I am. I hate having to wake up to this.
 Twinkle~fairie · Wed Oct 18, 2006 @ 04:08am · 1 Comments |
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