i ******** up. big time and im scared. scared that i cant fix it this time. scared that im going back to exactly what happened before.... the poison i left is bringing back the poison that burns with a vengence and i can't stop it. i wont stop it. i already know what will happen and to be honest, its not pretty. i already know that everything my mind will try to say, my mouth wont. because its stupid. because its in denial. because its too afraid for its own good. because its mine. its not that i cant stop this from happening, its that i simply wont. the hole where my stomach used to be is still unoccupied and the only thing willing to inhabit it is only there for a feeding hole. as a leech. it'll suck me dry and the next morning i wont remember a goddamn thing. i wont know how i got on the foreign mattress or how i even got this pair of shoes. definitely not mine. definitely not a choice i would choose if i had a normal mind. if it wasnt deformed and distorted with thoughts of change. changing things that should just be left alone because as always, this isnt about me. it never was. i am merely a chess piece it will use up until there is nothing left until relieving this body for a newer one. a more hopeful one. one that doesnt make itself bleed. one that doesnt scream nightmares. one that doesnt always long for what it cant have. alas, there is nothing left but that pit in my brain. the unusually small one that tells my hands, my body, my soul no. it tells me to stop. to put the bottle down and to leave the boy alone. hes not going to help anything and pulling him down with you is only going to make things worse you know, theyll whisper in my ear. the poison wont listen. I wont listen. after all, happy endings are for the princesses that are left inside girls and ive already killed mine....
xx-MURDEROTICA-xx Community Member 
|
|
