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Sanctuary Dark: Sactanury 1.1 |
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Ch. 1: Sactanury ______Yukizu beheld a rocky field. Though humid, mephitic air surrounded the field, it slowly became amassed in sharp ice. To free it from its entrapment, the land summoned fire, which consumed the ice. The ice retaliated against the fire, battling as a superior force. The resulting residue from the clash was not water as she had expected but a sticky liquid which glazed over the land, transforming it to the color of her eyes. ______Sounds of fierce, armored forces like a battle in every direction flowed into her ears like raging rapids. In her desperation to flee the collision of the two elements before becoming apart of it, she attempted to will her limbs into movement; Yukizu's body remained in a paralyzed heap on the jagged ground. As the sticky liquid sprouted on her, entangling in her lovely pink locks, she sobbed and wretched. She glanced into the sky above where beasts encased in eyes and too horrifying to name glared downward at her, and she trembled. She opened her mouth in a gape to shriek for help, but only silence erupted from her chest as the mephitic air seeped into her tongue. A massive sound bellowed from around her. Its sound was like that of millions of instruments howling their final blood cry. ______A spherical music instrument erupted in a series of cheerful 'tings'. Pale-yellow, green, and pink flowers adorned the sides in vines, shielding its pearl-like shine. A short stack of childish books halted it from happily rolling onto the velvet floor below where replicas of animals glanced curiously about the room. Dimming sunlight drifted lazily into a single window and seeped into the curved walls. Yukizu lethargically sat up and winked at the still bright reflections of the sun. Sleepers clung madly to the corners of her eyes. She gathered her strength to lift her arm and blindly reach over to the musical sphere. It responded to the warmth from her lazy touch and ceased its soothing racket. ______The red sun's depressing from the sky signified the end of a long period of light and the beginning of another endless barrage of darkness. Yukizu blamed her dream on anxiety from the falling sun. She let her eyes adjust to the sun before glancing about the room to be sure that all means of artificial light remained in their appropriate spot and hadn't hidden away from the creeping shadows they were meant to protect against while she was shrieking in her terrifying dream. ______She thrust aside her thick millefleur blanket and, as eagerly as one running to open a present on Christmas morning, ran across the room to her blindingly-yellow bag used to carry educational tools required of everyone below five ages and above one. Her bright hair reached well past her knees and stultified the rest of the room in comparison. The bag rustled and emitted a "yap" more soothing to Yukizu than the music. From within, a feathery blob glared impatiently at her. A black feline in the confinements of a clear cube hummed hungrily to it. ______The day Yukizu made her first friend, Selstie, they played near the alameda in the park until they came across an infant erintel, a species of Sactanurian bird. Its incoherent cries reverberated loudly enough to nearly deaf an innocent passerby; they believed it to be a miracle no one else had found it. The two of them fantasized over the thought of its color. Erintels housed in the four distinct locations of the dominant species, always at war with opposing colors. Though the birds were born pure white, they eventually formed their color, red, blue green, or brown, from the tip of their tail. A legend described a golden species of erintel which coexisted throughout all colors and brought immense fortune to anyone who gazed upon them. Such a lovely creature, they thought, could be nothing but gold. The two children discussed the fate of the loud creature before them until they agreed to exchange caring for it until it was strong enough to cope on its own. Yukizu felt an empathetic anxiousness for the creature, yet, as time progressed, she could slowly feel her heart breaking. The white collection of feathers had become as close a friend as Selstie. ______As she gazed into the preening form, countless questions scalded her mind. Will I ever see him again? What will happen to him? Will he forget all about me? She rubbed away a single droplet from her dewy eye. The erintel curiously peered over the boundaries of its yellow nest. Yukizu held out her palm, beckoning to the white creature. After opening his mouth in a wide rictus, he effortlessly ascended and glided into her palm without hesitation. She gave him an approving nudge with her index finger before dismissing him back to his bright nest and dressing in vivid adornments of clothing. Her scarlet eyes blazed with anticipation as she gathered her bag. She ebulliently flew out of the room and down the ramp into the hall, stopping only to carefully close the door behind her. White and blue patches painted the stairs and hall throughout the spherical home. ______She clutched her bag in front, fearful that the unsteadiness would disturb the pure creature inside. Before drifting to sleep hours earlier, she enthusiastically adjusted her musical sphere to wake her earlier than usual. Before school, she was to meet Selstie one last time at the fountain to free the fluffy, young erintel. Yukizu stood inches from the door. She could taste the erintel's freedom in the stale air. It would be his last trip through a doorway. Her arm extended to nudge open the door, the final obstacle from the world. ______A halt issued, "Freeze, Yuzi." It stilled the oxygen into an icy substance she couldn't breathe. She turned quickly to face her parent, who now seemed like an ominous statue. His light eyes loomed miles above.
This is a fraction of chapter one.
Specific details I want to fix:
The explanation in the dream is supposed to be a bit off, as in slightly enigmatic and not folowing the norms, like a dream. I need to know if it fits these qualifications.
The dream part is obviously important and foreshadowing, but, what is more important that what it is foreshadowing isn't obvious. Tell me what you THINK it might be foreshadowing, and I will see if something needs to be made less clear. You can give more than one opinion. The more, the merrier. =D
Is the musical transition between the dream sequence appropriate? It's supposed to be a bit groggy and hard to adjust to like when you awake from a dream.
Everything is copywrited to me.
 Only Christ I Follow · Thu Apr 23, 2009 @ 01:49am · 0 Comments |
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Sanctuary Dark Prologue: Shibbi |
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Edit, crit, yell, whatever you have to do to help me improve, do it. =D
Prologue: Shibbi ______An early dawn awoke over a vast, inanimate horizon, waking the atomic planet from its long slumber. Sharp, black earth blanketed the planet’s desolate landscape. All remained silent, save for the roaring sound of wind carrying harsh pebbles of sand from all directions, occasionally covering the carpet of land with a swirl of mahogany. ______Throughout the barren world, a single speckle chimed in the chaotic dark: lush groves obscured by a protective bowl of melancholy orange, made to match the drab-red hues of the sky. It stood solely as an oasis, a sanctuary from the lurking environment to its inhabitants. The orange spot known as Sactanury thrived inside its cowardly escape, from the hot, deadly land into a palm of safety. ______Night echoed unbearably dark, but day soared brighter than any beacon. Groves of trees reflected a bright-green; even the trunks maintained a healthy green tint. The technology containing the society was deemed pure by all Sactanurian inhabitants as every last wasted product was cast into the unforgivable world above the shield, allowing the air inside to meditate without pollution. ______The small planet, known as Shibbi to its inhabitants, retained a humid temperature. From the constant warmth, life flourished. With time, the sun’s rays grew less forgivable. Tension rose as quickly as the temperature to save any life of Shibbi. It was such that technology emerged, encasing them inside their orange sky, sealing their fate. * * * ______A round airship seethed across the sky's sanguine hues. Its front consisted of a clear hemisphere while its remaining body twisted in metal sheets reflecting the land's gloomy glow. The front of the ship was exposed to sunlight and nature while the back had never experienced such luxuries. The creatures bustling inside mirrored a similar structural pattern: two arms and two legs. Those who had proven themselves to be in the top ranks were allowed to dwell in the front while all others were forced to meek out an existence in the back, where the only light available to them was the constant red blinking emitted by the machinery. Their eyes had been forever maimed by the red light that oozed before them like a monstrous fire. Moreover, their human leader had shown discrimination in choosing his ranks. Those with an appearance and skin like his were more likely to be chosen in the higher ranks while insect or animal-like creatures with shells or fur were doomed to vacate the posterior of the premises. ______Zeeko's heart hardened as he surveyed the land below through the thickness of his dark blue eyes of ice, a scowl locked on his face. On his clothing was etched a pattern that symbolized his authority. Scheming, he ran a hand through his purple hair. ______"Ethim . . . Nova, here!" ______He called to his top lackeys, as if they were dogs, in a sharp voice like banging on metal. Two figures walked quickly to his side. Each sported their own symbol, designating them only a step down from their commander. Ethim, a timid human with pale skin and dark hair walked beside Nova, who possessed dark skin and light hair. Nova appeared human in every fashion but her brilliant phoenix wings. The moment they arrived to his side, Zeeko silently gestured toward a cluster of large machines. The machines ran diagnostics, researching Shibbi's technology and life by searing into its systems, searching for the best ways to bring it to its knees. Nova paced to them without a word. Her boots thudded on the floor, creating a seemingly unbearable echo inside the still cocoon. ______Ethim stammered, "Y-yes, sir!" ______He stumbled toward a large screen to study its information. Nova faced a machine with a round screen that spewed planet analysis. She turned to face Zeeko, proclaiming curiously in a voice that rang like a flute, ______"Sir, it may be a glitch, but the computer is telling me that all life on this planet is located in a round perimeter measuring only 100 square miles." ______Zeeko's eyes roved toward her, and his scowl evaporated into a wicked grin. Nova and Ethim winced as he cackled, ______"They should have known better than to make it far too easy for me!"
What's that? This . . . is kind of lame? Yes . . . yes it is. The beautiful deal about that is that you kind sir, madam, or hermaphrodite can help make it less lame. Indeed, indeed!
If you are confused about something, mention it so I can make it less confusing in the writing.
Please be specific when mentioning . . . stuff.
Get the pun there?
Specific details I want to fix:
I first introduce Ethim as "timid," but rather than calling him timid, should I simply show it through his character or is it appropriate for the word to remain as is?
I am incredibly poor with dialogue. That and I don't know how to do the paragraphs when it comes to dialogue. Any info would help here. I was just guessing whenever I hit the "enter" key.
I'd also like to know how to take the "Wrote" part out when making a quote XDD!
Everything is copywrited to me.
Only Christ I Follow · Mon Apr 20, 2009 @ 08:05pm · 0 Comments |
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