[We open to a home theater, rather elaborate since it’s never been used for this purpose before but for other purposes. The curtains are drawn back away from the screen, and just for this occasion, the old-fashioned projector has been encased in a bulletproof glass box.
In portals Saïx, who quickly takes a seat, resting his hands on the arms. Sitting a few seats down from him is Marluxia, leaning to the side with a cheek resting on his fist. Sitting between them to dissuade fighting is Xaldin, who seems less than pleased to be here.]
Marluxia: A pleasure for you to join us, Saïx. However, you’re not exactly punctual.
Saïx: I’m apologize for not bending to your convenience, Marluxia, but I do have a job that needs to be done as second-in-command.
Xaldin: It would benefit you both to be silent for the moment. The unpleasantries are about to begin.
[All of the men go silent as the lights dim and the projector begins to roll. A title card flickers onto the screen.]
Full title: The Spider Strikes Back
Marluxia: If I weren’t aware of the reasons why we happened to be here, I’d be rather excited to think of this as metaphorical…
Saïx: We all know better of fandom, though.
Marluxia: Finally, something we can agree upon.
Xaldin: I’d rather like to get this over with, if you would be so kind.
"Saix! Saix, save me!"
Saïx: And why would one call upon me to rescue them?
Marluxia: Perhaps they simply wish to have you perform some menial task? The Superior does it all the time.
Saïx: You know very well where my loyalties truly lie by now, Marluxia. I would watch that tongue of yours.
A petrified Schemer stood on the toilet lid of their shared bathroom.
Xaldin: I was unaware that we could feel fear, especially someone as cold and cruel as Zexion.
Marluxia: I was unaware that we had shared rooms.
Saïx: That certainly seems to be the prevailing stereotype. At least they didn’t have my roommate as Xemnas.
Xaldin: Yes. We would be in much need of another second-in-command then due to our current one having died in an attempt on the Superior’s life.
"What is it now? Your Lexicon gave you a papercut?" The Diviner's voice rang through from his room.
Saïx: I do not understand why I would use an insult like that.
Marluxia: Why do you suddenly have your own room when before it was shared?
Xaldin: I’ve a headache just thinking about the numerous ways that Xigbar could have rigged the varying bedrooms to switch fluidly between being single and shared in mere moments.
Marluxia: He would do that, wouldn’t he?
Saïx: I’ll have to have the list of ‘things Xigbar is not allowed to do’ amended to cover that one.
"No! There's a massive flaming spider in here!"
Marluxia: *chuckles.* A flaming spider? What’s it going to do, infect him with glitter and flowers?
Saïx: You’re one to talk.
Xaldin: Another thing to keep Xigbar from attempting. And Vexen, though he would be far more literal with the idea of ‘massive flaming spiders.’
Vexen: *From outside the theater somewhere.* I OBJECT TO THAT NOTION!
"Ah. Grab a slipper and violently beat it to death."
Saïx: …Contrary to popular belief, I am not as violent as people would believe.
Marluxia: It’s the fact that you’re a Berserker.
Xaldin: People lacking intelligence can’t conceive of a Berserker that isn’t violent.
"I don't have a slipper. I have a half-empty can of deoderant and a t-shirt!"
Xaldin: Who is in possession of that red pen Naminé uses?
Marluxia: Certainly not me. Luxord would turn me into a card at the very least if I went near her. He’d probably do worse, actually.
Saïx: I’m unsure we would even be able to use it like her, anyway.
Xaldin: True. Naminé’s abilities to rewrite such instances is a highly unique ability.
He held the spray can defensively in front of him as the spider inched its way towards him.
Marluxia: …Logic would dictate the spider would be moving away from the very large, very frightened human. Instinct to survive would take control, and instead of moving toward Zexion, it would instead be seeking an escape. That is, unless it is actually the size of Zexion, at which point, our Cloaked Schemer must be quite the catch.
Saïx: …That grin on your face is disturbing, Marluxia. I must amend your list of things you can’t do to creating giant spiders to eliminate your competition. *Makes note of that.*
"This thing is the size of the Death Star!"
Saïx: Then how was it fitting in the bathroom?
Marluxia: Didn’t you know? The bathrooms are grand suites that can fit entire worlds in them.
Xaldin: Another thing that Xigbar is not allowed to do…
"Pull a Demyx and run away!"
Saïx: …I would never say something such as that.
Demyx: *also from somewhere outside the theater.* I OBJECT TO THAT! I don’t always run away!
"If I move, this thing will eat my face!"
Saïx: I would wipe that grin off of your face, Number XI.
Xaldin: Saïx is already amending your rules, Marluxia, so you can’t create giant arachnids to devour Zexion’s face.
"Bite it back then!" Saix's voice dripped with amusement.
Saïx: The only thing I find amusing is that anyone would think these look-alikes are actually us.
"I'm not putting my mouth anywhere near that thing!" Zexion screeched.
Marluxia: …I do have to admit, imagining Zexion screeching anything is highly amusing.
Xaldin: I would choose my words carefully, Marluxia, lest you find yourself lost within the pages of a certain book.
Saïx: Yes, Marluxia. Be careful. *Smirk.*
"Then I'm afraid I can't help."
Marluxia: I must admit, I like the sadisticness of this. It has a certain flair.
Saïx: My pleasure. I do enjoy a certain degree of torment.
Xaldin: However, I doubt either of you wishes to wind up between the pages of Zexion’s Lexicon.
Marluxia: Right. Moving on, then.
"Nyah! Take that, b***h!"
Marluxia: *Stares.*
Saïx: … *Gawking.*
Xaldin: *Chuckles.* Zexion and swearing? I don’t recall ever hearing him curse.
spraying the spider in the face.
Marluxia: And he didn’t do this sooner, because…?
Saïx: Because someone that can’t feel was somehow too gripped by fear, and all his normally abundant logical senses were dulled by said fear.
Marluxia: Makes perfect sense.
Xaldin: Indeed.
It scurried away, crawling between the cupboard and the wall.
Marluxia: Why is there a cupboard in the bathroom?
Xaldin: Methinks it’s supposed to be a medicine cabinet.
Saïx: Moving on, gentlemen.
"Yeah! I got skills, biatch!" Zexion shouted. "Ding dong, the massive spider is dead!"
Xaldin: I must say, this cosplayer isn’t doing Zexion much justice.
Saïx: Do they ever?
Both Nobodies hummed the victory theme from Final Fantasy VII.
Saïx: And how, exactly, would we know this victory theme when we interact with characters from said game?
Marluxia: You have amazing background music-hearing powers, perhaps?
"Wait a minute. It's still in the room.
Xaldin: The real Zexion would have realized this before celebrating his victory.
Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Marluxia: Oh, I see! It’s a cat and a dog pretending to be Zexion and Saïx!
Saïx: Xaldin, may I have permission to take my claymore to his head for the dog comment?
Xaldin: Only once. Blunt side only. Not too hard, though, we need him for the last of this. I’d rather not suffer with only you as company.
Saïx: *Claymores Marluxia.*
Zexion ran out of the bathroom and charged into his room. "I'm safe...for now."
Marluxia: And we’re back to unshared rooms.
Saïx: And now we note the cryptic ending phrase that allows for a sequel.
Xaldin: I don’t know about the two of you, but I would rather like to erase this from my mind. It has been far from a pleasure. Good day. *Portals off to go play mind games with Beast.*
Marluxia: Right, then. Before we can be roped into another of these horrid things… *Off to go tend to his garden and plot things with Larxene—and possibly harass Luxord while plotting those things.*
Saïx: *Off to amend the rules lists.*
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Lucrecia's Log
Various writings by Lucrecia.
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Vexen - Xion - Lucrecia
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