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Thoughts...images...words...

What are they but poor substitutes for the blood-real entities that i wish was here...
Do you know regret...?
Sometimes i feel like as if that is the only emotion i have left...the only other emotion i can understand...other than despair or loneliness...regret almost seemed alive,at times...
Am i still human...?
i wonder at that...i stare at the wounds i inflict on myself,berating myself for giving in to this detestable practice...why i never really had what it took to simply be...why i give in to the weakness i despise so much..wondering why i even bother when nothing really works and nothing really matters...
Do you still feel pain...?
i can not...i wonder at that but then again...even cutting seems pointless when it cant even make you wince..it just bleeds...staining things...the real stains never come off though...no amount of cleaning could wash it away...
Do you hate...?
i wish i have the answer for that...i wish i could say that hates consumes me so that i have something tangible to fight against...but i do not have hatred in me...no burning anger...no pulsing rage...just emptiness that knows no bound...
Can you still cry...?
i know that i feel grief and that i shed tears but there are many instances when i find myself unable to...times when my pain seems inconsequential and i have nothing to give...no feelings..no tears...and then there are those times when i simply give in to my weakness...and i pour out grief and anguish in a torrent that leaves me emptier than before...
Am i alive...?
was i ever...? i do not now what living means but i know what it is not...i know death and thats how i know i am not like the living...

I retraced the past..and found the courage to confront something that i've feared for sometime...it wasnt easy...it was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do but now...now i dont know how i feel about the entire thing..it freed some part of me and binded some...i saw a ghost from my past and i still dont know how to process the encounter...see it wasnt just confronting this image that i had to scrape courage for...its the reality i had to confront...the reality that i had to accept...it was like i was watching from the sidelines...but if there is something that made itself clear to me yesterday, its a realization i am thankful for...

You have come here in pursuit of
your deepest urge,in pursuit of
that wish,which till now
has been silent,silent . . .
Past the point of no return -
no backward glances:
the games we've played
till now are at an end . . .
Past all thought of "if" or "when" -
no use resisting: abandon thought,
and let the dream descend . . .

I have learned that loving someone is not really as easy as i thought it would be...i realized the mistake i made so many times before, back when i still thought loving someone gave me the license to demand that they love me back...but now i realize it doesnt work that way...for one thing people dont ask that you fall for them...loving them doesnt give anyone the right to expect that they be loved back...if love worked that way the term "UNREQUITED LOVE" shouldnt exist...but the reality is that it does...i had to be in despair, hating my own nature to see that the reason love turns to hate too often is beacuse we live in frustration of a love that wasnt really ours...and so ive decided the next time i will fall, i will simply love...i will nurture it,understand it and then ill simply let it be...because if i do that..i'll always have that love in me and none of the bitterness that failed hopes bring...


What raging fire shall flood the soul?
What rich desire unlocks its door?
What sweet seduction lies before us . . .?
Past the point of no return,
the final threshold -what warm,
unspoken secrets will we learn?
Beyond the point of no return . . .

At night i am haunted by the past...at night i am an unwilling victim to my memories...plagued by the need to relive the decisions i've made...things and events that occured while i am awake...at night i can remember without prejudice and without pretense...there are no rationalizations necessary...no excuse needed to conceal my emotions nor my thoughts...at night i am free to simply be...

At night i am plagued by doubt...of the might have beens and the what-ifs that i dare not entertain in the light of day when surviving is harder than i could ever explain...at night i could put aside my mask and set myself free...free to wonder if there was still a part of me that clings to a past memory...free to think and remember without bitterness the emotions ive invested...at night i am free to express my grief in any form i wish...without fear that prying eyes would condemn my pain...at night i could break the chains that bind my heart...

At night i am free to listen to the music that touches my soul and allows me to love without regret...at night i could wish for a better ending...a better life...at night i could simply hope...under the cover of moonlight i could understand the need to be saved...to be loved...to be needed... at night i could give voice to the raw whispers of a spirit that never knew freedom...at night i could be human again...

Even now i still love the darkness..i love it more now than i ever had before..under its cool embrace i can simply be whatever it is that my heart dictates...under its shadow i am simply one more soul that yearns...under the anonymity of its depths i can walk in the shadows of my life without fear and without restraint...without shame or deceit..without lies and without my silent,soundless cries...

In that brief time between time...before dawn comes and the mask comes down again... in that moment of freedom and peace that the shadows of dusk allows...during that pause when the day bleeds into the abyss of the darkness where only the moon and the stars stand as mute witness...only then...at night i am simply me...

a very unique individual gave me pause the other day...we have been speaking about his lost love when he suddenly turned to me asked if i knew what love is...what it felt to love and not be loved back..simply put, i said yes...it was the truth...i knew love...even as i know even more the pain of unrequited love...of love that has faded and lost all meaning or value...of love that can not be...of love that consumes and ultimately destroys...of love forgotten,forbidden or taken for granted...poisoned or corrupted...ive seen love in many shapes ,forms and disguises...i thought that was the end of our discussion until he told me what no one has seen before...

i love the solitude and peace darkness provides...the fact that it bears me no ill will and keeps me away from the prying eyes that judge too soon kept me a willing lover of darkness...it was a sanctuary..a solace..a companion...one that demands nothing save what i offer...but when vincent...he said that my love for darkness made me vulnerable...it made me pause...

darkness was suppose to keep me from being vulnerable not make me more so...he said that in my quest to remain within the darkness i love so much...ive lost sight of why i kept to it for so long...he said that the darkness i seek is not there...there is a light in me...that can not be disspelled by my own darkness...its a little strange for me to hear that again...to hear that there is light in me and not darkness...for so long ive clung to the fact that all the light i have in me have died...i wonder if he's right...i wonder if there still remains enough light in me to save...

Sometimes i fear that's all that i am...a fallen angel with wings black as the sins and pain ive hoarded over the past years,black as the nighttime i love so much...black as my tattered soul...black wings that are dripping with blood...no image seems more real to me than that...i am a creature that hoped to be like an angel and ended up being a creature better suited to the cover of the night...an angel with the sensibilities and detachment of one who is Damned...much like a vampire of lore...i have watched everything that was mortal in me dying, piece by excruciating piece until finally...all that will remain would be an empty hollow shell that can offer nothing save desolation and despair...a creature that is neither dead...nor completely alive...someone who can only watch and wonder at the complexity of those around me...never knowing what motivates them to be what i cannot...ah..introspection can be such a double-edged knife...it cuts you open to show you truth and bleeds you dry so that truth becomes a vivid reminder that though you bleed, you can not feel...

i wish i could say that i am merely bored ...

but such an action would imply that i was not

bothered by ennui before this moment...

i seem to live my life in a

sickening rollcoaster ride

between being utterly amused and

enchanted to being plagued by apathy,

the likes of which is best suited

to the grimness of Poe himself...

oh well, perhaps something will turn up...

something always does...

for the moment i still have my darkness...

and that is always something worth having...

its amazing what the human mind can generate when plagued by the three ills of humanity: BOREDOM,BETRAYAL and BLANKNESS...the first and last not to be mistaken as the same thing...far from it...i wonder how i get to be plagued by all three ills...perhaps i am cursed or maybe im just plain lucky....who knows? But maybe i am the lucky one...there are some poor bastards out there that are just plain too empty they would make themselves a veritable nuisance when you least expect them to be...<sigh> why cant they figure it out? im a fool...but im a fool on my own terms...i can only stand betrayal some of the time...the next time, will be the last time...

Normal to be or not to be

I often wonder why people find it so hard to just be themselves...or maybe wonder shouldnt be the word since i am not the world's best candidate for normalcy...i know that im not but i try to be...for the most part, i try not for myself but for those around me...why? because its hard being what you really are...people wear masks to hide..sometimes to conceal the truth they think no one should see or to hide the lie they can not live without...but the real question is why do we do it?why is it so hard to simply be REAL? what made it so that we kill ourselves trying to be someone else...when did it come to this--that being who and what we truly are simply became not good enough? why do we try so hard to please a world that despises the reality of who we are and yet proclaims the need to be real in a way that mocks us all? is this truth, when we lie about the simplest things? is it truly a life when nothing about it is ours? are we alive then or merely skillful actors on a stage built by lies and pretense? "all the world's a stage..." perhaps the truth is we can not abide by our truths so we substitute it with lies we CAN live with...after all, if we know that its a lie, we know well enough not to believe...but the problem is, can we still recognize ourselves after the mask comes off?

perhaps it is my nature to seek out new places..new faces...new thoughts to replace those ive lost...misplaced...or forgotten...to create new images to haunt the hallowed halls of my mind that simply refuses to let go of the past....