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Vanity
She walks in the rain Feeling cold, somewhat vain When beauty is all she cares about That it's causing her pain Her face stained with make up She failed to correctly apply Never acknowlegded by her inner beauty That she forced it all away Locked into the dephts of her heart The void she tried to make whole But all the time the pit remained The painful gap in her soul.
The fragile being I've grown to be Is what I would call the real me A girl that has learned as is able to see That beauty lies within eventually Although is hard and difficult to bear It is the burden that she wants to share With friends she loves And holds dear deep within If only they could see The pain she is in
The bloody lines have faded away The urge inside she still kept at bay The urge to molest, mingle and die Her wish to go up and see the divine
Please try to understand That this is not fake The nightmares are real Like the emotions she feels No labels are needed For feeling something every human being feels Every once in a while
Aulure · Sun Apr 08, 2007 @ 02:18pm · 1 Comments |
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Now I've heard that her sister died, only two days after she died. Her older sister. Maybe they were having a conversation with each other...Who knows. I touched her today, when she was in her coffin. She looked so peaceful. She was icy cold. I've never really touched a person who passed away. Just then I realized that she was really gone.
Saturday is the day when she will be cremated. And we will not fire fireworks. Some holiday this is. My favorite time of the year has turned into the worst one. I'm even afraid to sleep at night because I hate crying myself to sleep. The darkness triggers hidden feelings to come out and you think about it even more, becoming even more and more depressed. I hate that feeling. So I've only slept 4 hours in two days. And when I do sleep, it's either with the tv on for sound or my pc on for light and sound. I can't stand silence now.
Aulure · Thu Dec 28, 2006 @ 09:36pm · 1 Comments |
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And now my mom is threatening NOT to take me to her funeral because she's mad at me. I can use that in these times.
I got into a fight with my mom concerning fireworks. They are very important to me cause we've been doing it every single year for 10 years now. Now my grandma died and I still wanted to fire some but not much. Just maybe one or two. But my mom got angry, involving my strict aunt in it as well. I was disappointed and I told her that I see it as a tragedion. But because of my brother's whining, she thought I was as misunderstanding as he was. I told her again, I'm not complaining, I only see it as a traditions. But she still thought I was with my brother. Now she threatened not to take us to her funeral. I mean, is it wrong of me to be disappointed because a tradition has been cancelled? She has to note that I have to wait another year and I was really looking forward to it. Now I'll go into the new year with a shitty feeling and I still have tons of homework to finish. She will be cremated on Saturday. Quite strange when you tell someone she was still walking a week ago.
Aulure · Wed Dec 27, 2006 @ 10:11pm · 1 Comments |
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She passed away yesterday morning at around three o'clock.
Aulure · Wed Dec 27, 2006 @ 05:14pm · 1 Comments |
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Trying to understand the system of Life Trying to understand myself I created the world to be an image of myself Of my mind
All of these thoughts All of these doubts and hopes Inside I took out To form a new breed A new way to be And now I am many So many
So much larger than ever I were Yet, at the same time So much smaller and more vulnerable
They all carry shards of the whole Together they become me I see them interact, develop I see them take different sides As were they different minds Believers of different ways And different gods
I think they will teach me something
Aulure · Sun Dec 24, 2006 @ 12:22pm · 1 Comments |
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She moved today, I couldn't believe it. I told you that she wasn't in a state of conciousness. Today, this Hindu priest visited us, since my mom and relatives are very religious. He carried a book with him with a picture of a God on it. It seemed as if that was something that temporarily pulled her out of that state of coma. She saw the picture of one of the Gods she worshipped and she forcefully attempted to lift her hand and touch the picture. Her eyes were fixed upon it and we all watched her as she tried to move her feet, arms and head to touch that picture. My mom and relatives were a bit astonished because of it and the priest was distracted for a bit but then resumed his incantation. He told us to pray and attempted to make us feel better saying that she is the child of God and he decides when he will take her back to him. It's in his hands. He still told us to pray at home. And then he left.
When the relatives came, she saw an old aunt of mine and she tried to talk. The way my aunt talked to her brought tears to my eyes. An old woman holding the hand of another old woman. It was so nice to see how family supported my grandmother.
So now I've noticed that because of that incident, a part of her face just isn't working anymore. She cannot eat or drink properly because she doesn't make the swallowing movements. And if she eats, it'll cause her to puke. And since nothing is working properly, she might choke in it.
Then I sat with her and gave her my bear, making her rest her hand on it. Her hands were so thin, she was literally just skin over bones. Her hand was so fragile, that's what it felt like. And with that hand, she constantly sought for someone to hold it. So she's still here. Often tears fall from her eyes and I wipe them away softly. I hated to leave her but I had to go.
Tomorrow I'll be going again, hoping she'll be doing better. I'm not as sad as I was anymore. But I still cry sometimes. This morning my eyes hadn't recovered from my crying mood the day before. I don't know what happened but I was crying uncontrollably. It took me 10 minutes to calm down and then I fell asleep.
Aulure · Sat Dec 23, 2006 @ 07:54pm · 0 Comments |
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