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yeah... I just feel like complete crap... I love someone, and it matters, but in a way it doesnt matter at all that I love her... She loves someone else, and she is happier now... I'm happy for her, but when she is happy she doesnt really need me, which I guess is most important to me in a way... and then I just get deppressed, and since its usually when I'm around her she gets sad too... I know she needs me, but I wish she could just be happy without me so she wouldnt need me, or even want me... At times like these I just want to die... just to stop existing... I dont want anyone to need me... and I dont want people to just be like "oh he's saying that so they tell him how much they need him"... well people do say they need me at times like these, and it only makes me feel worse cause I wish they didnt say it... I just hate myself, I wish I didnt need her, didnt need anyone, but thats just lying to myself and we all know how well that goes through... not well at all, anytime I try to convince myself I dont need her I may last a week without her, but either she comes to me trying to make me feel better or I break and go to her... and I cant leave her... she doesnt need me she wants me to be there with her... and theres noone else out there right now who I could share with, share myself with... and even if there is I'd probably pass them by, even knowing that they would be good for me... cause I dont care about them, I care about her... and I care, and she cares, but in a way it still doesnt matter that I love her... she would much rather that I were just a friend, but we all know how that one lasts too... were just too close... things would be so much easier if I just moved away or something... it'd be just like if I was dead, though she'd still be able to talk to me on the phone or online... I just do not have any love for myself, or for life... I hate life... for almost the whole of last year my life has been crap, sometimes better sometimes worse... but it all just comes right back to this, I dont even know how many times I've crashed but it must have been alot more than 10... but whatever... and I'm just so stupid... such a guy the thing I want least to be... I love being with her, and around her, I love the feel of her skin, I love snuggling up next to her, her skin touching mine and mine touching hers, I love making her feel good, but it all comes back to the fact that I shouldnt... and I shouldnt love her, because it isnt fair to her and her boyfriend... but I just cant be with her... and even if she felt bad for me, and wanted to be with me again just because of that I'd feel even more horrible, because it wouldnt be because she loves me (you all should know what I mean...)... I dont have any place here, if I was just an empty shell, a warm empty shell people could snuggle up to, and keep themselves warm, that would be good enough for the world... noone needs me for who I am, not even me... sure I'm nice and I do stuff for people I guess, and I'm fun to be around, but noone needs me... if I never moved here people wouldve been just as fine... she and her boyfriend wouldve met just the same, and even if they broke up a few times they wouldve stayed together in the end, cause they are good for each other, and I'm just in the way... And I cant do anything... I could technically just paralyze myself completely using special chemicals, I'd still be alive I guess, but then I'd just want to die myself to death... I really dont know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love her, but noone needs me to... I just get in the way, and when she wants to be around me I just screw up... and just staying away or trying not to do anything doesnt really help, cause I WANT to be with he and I WANT to be intimate with her... I love being intimate with her, I dont know what it is, being intimate doesnt mean wanting to have sex, it just means wanting to share your body with someone you care about... and the problem is that anytime I'm trying to be intimate or something, and she tells me to stop, especially when I'm not doing something sexual, like touching her ear or kissing her cheaks or holding her hand (well I guess kissing her cheek is somewhat sexual in the way that kissing mouth to mouth is sexual) and I just want to do that, I want to be intimate and I want to make love to her.... but anytime she stops me, even if its just cause I'm bugging her or distracting her or something, I get really deppressed, and sometimes crash, like right now... its not cause she doesnt want to be intimate (well that too in a way) but cause it reminds me of everything, I get pushed out of my own little stupid world and back to the reality that she doesnt need me, and most of the time doesnt need me for any of that... she only needs me and wants me to be her best friend, someone she can come to for comfort and help, someone special, but not someone different from anyone else's idea of a best friend other than the different gender thing... and hey, its been almost a year since we broke up, and I dont love her any less than I did then... I probably love her even more now... And I cant move on, and I cant find someone else, because even if there was someone who I could love and share with I know it wouldnt be the same, all the warmth and happinness I felt when I'm with her wouldn't be there... I probably wouldnt give it a chance, I'd set myself up for failure... I always do that, I did that with every person I liked or loved... I did it with the two girls who live by me, I did it with the other girl I was smitten with... that was probably the time when I dug my deepest holes, and set myself up for failure the most,a nd I failed, I failed so much that now that I might have been ready to be with her I cant because she doesnt want me anymore... She may have (I dont really know if she liked me enough back then, a long time ago, at the begining of sophomore year, before the first time I cut, before all those emails, before I went completely insane, cause insane I was, and still am cause I'm so god damn dumb) wanted to be with me then, but not anymore, she doesnt want any of what happened to return... But I cant find someone else, it wouldnt be the same, and I wouldnt want it to... Probably I'll remain single at least till college, and even then itd be the same cause I would stay with my parents and still see her all the time... I'd just stay single all through college then move away somewhere, out of the country.... just run away from everyone... make sure they are all happy and just dissappear... sure I'd still talk to them every now and then, but I'd just be all alone, like I should be... I dont want anyone else to suffer from knowing me... I wish noone ever knew me and gotten to know me, cause they'd be better off, cause I'm just completly worthless and dont deserve to be with anyone, or have anyone care about me... I just wish everyone was completely happy without me, which is ironic cause somehow I seek out and like people the most when I can help them somehow with something, even if they just need a friend, and they grow attatched to me, and then I dont want anyone to want me and I'm screwed cause even there, when I want to just fail I already set myself to up to fail with that, so I even fail at failing myself... I cant do anything right, I always end up doing things people dont want me doing, some dont want me to go away, some dont want me to come to them, some just want me there cause I can do something for them, and if I'm not doing just that they get annoyed with me... my life is just so terrible and empty... it always has the illusion of being full of people and friends and love, but at times like these I see how thats not true, my friends could do just fine without me if I'd never been here, and love is just... when it comes to me it doesnt matter, cause with her, my love just ends up hurting her... and even if she says its ok, that I'm more important than that, I dont want to hurt her, I dont want to exist.... I just wish everyone would let me die... and it doesnt help if people just tell me they need me even more, cause it will always come back to this, and every time it gets worse and worse... I want to be with her, she makes me happy... if she were here right now she'd hug me and tell me how much she loves me, and try to comfort me, and snuggle with me, but the truth that she doesnt need me to love her doesnt go away... she doesnt need me to love her, she just needs me to be happy and help her with stuff, she doesnt need me to be there with her, she needs me to help her with things but she doesnt want any more than that... she needs her boyfriend for comfort and intimacy, thats not something she wants to do with her, it just happens alot of the time, and whenever I think about this stuff I relapse back into hell... and I just think about this stuff, BUT IT DOESNT MATTER CAUSE EVEN IF ANYONE CARES THERE ISNT ANY WAY TO MAKE ALL OF THIS GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!! I cant stop loving her, and I cant find someone else, because I'm so ******** stupid... theres no way out of this for me... I'm just going to be stupid again at some point, and I want it to happen because I want and on some level need to be intimate with her... its what makes me happiest, when I show her love and she shows me love and we are warm and together... its like the song from "My Fair Lady" "show me" ... She is the most important person to me, and I cant do the best thing for her which is just to be a normal friend, I cant do what she wants me to most which is to not be me... I wish I wasnt me, I wish I was someone normal, someone who isnt stupid.... Out of all the good things I can do for people, my greatest flaw is that I'm me... I can always do what someone else should do, or what people want someone else to do, but I cant ever do what I should do... I just wish everyone would let me die... if I had gone to italy last year, I wouldve killed myself... I was even planning on it to some extent, I was honestly thinking about only that when I was thinking of going there, how I would just have some "accident" and drown and since it would happen far from here, it would hurt, but it would hurt less and it would be much more bearable... and at least there wouldnt have been any problems like there are now, when she needs me much less than she needed me then... I'm just such a failure at everything... nothing that makes me happy is good, and nothing that can make me happy that is good will happen... even if the other person I could be with was willing to be with me it would still keep hurting, and just to spare her from all of this I'd leave her at some point, or just set myself up for failure like last time and she'd just leave me anyway, just like everyone else... I'm no use to anyone being that close... I'm no use to anyone as a boyfriend, I dont really know why, but I'm just not good as a boyfriend, for different people for different reasons I guess, but now that all this has happened to me, if I met someone new and started going out with them, if I shared with them all that has happened to me they would probably leave me and if I didnt it would just hurt and theyd leave me for that, for being hurt and not wanting to share... I'm just too much of a coward... maybe thats why I dont deserve to be happy... And if I believed in God that would just be someone else to blame for all of my problems... but I guess in a way I do cause I believe in chance and luck... I'm just not meant to be happy... I'm just too stupid to be happy... I wont ever be truly happy, and be able to stay relatively happy for more than a month or two... even if I took pills it wouldnt stop all of this pain, it would just contain it untill one day I accidently forget to take a pill, and it all bursts inside me and I kill myself... people dont generally know it by "happy" pills make you more suicidal, it is a serious REAL side effect of those pills, and as some people would agree I dont need any help being suicidal... I cant make the pain go away by doing things that make me happy, cause they are the same as the ones that make me deppressed, in the exact same situation only sometimes the pain is just not as intense as the happinnness of the moment... but the moment passes and pain comes back eventually... and I cant make the pain go away by burring it under physcial pain, like cutting because of other people... I'm just meant to be in pain, and never see a plausible way out... lol, and even if I did try to date other people, if even once I got rejected I would completely lose faith in myself and never be able to do it again... lol, as you see I have little faith in myself as it is and any less would just make me a empty shell who cant depend on himself for anything...
 wakisoujiro · Fri Jan 05, 2007 @ 07:18am · 3 Comments |
