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Holy s**t, it's been five years since I wrote in this journal! That's crazy. Funny considering my last entry began something like "it's been four years since..."

So much is going on right now that I just needed to write it down somewhere, but I didn't want to actually write it down because I've been taking so many notes, my hand hurts too much. And I like that I can just spew my thoughts to the world and have no one read these. It's comforting to be able to get it out and still have it be somewhat private.

My sister is having a baby today. I can't believe that. She's never been someone I could picture as having a baby, but I know she's really excited to be a mom. That's actually why I'm up right now at 2 a.m. and not even tired. I'm waiting to hear news of her and the baby. My sister and I have always been really close, and because the coronavirus stuff is going on right now, I can't be in the hospital with her like I was supposed to be. That hurts so much, but I understand the precautions we all have to take in life right now. I'm so happy that she's getting something she's wanted for a while now, but I want the painful part to be done for her. Hearing about how much physical pain she's in is so hard, because there's absolutely nothing I can do for her. I hope they send me a picture of their newborn daughter soon, because then I know my sister will be ok.

Another thing that's making me a bit emotional today is that I had a screening to get help from an eating disorder clinic. I think I've been dealing with an undiagnosed binge eating disorder for years. I've only recently become aware of it because of how hard of a time I had it when me and my boyfriend tried to count calories to lose weight. I started crying almost anytime I ate, and overate, but I couldn't stop myself. It's almost like the mental aspect of trying to resist the urges of the cravings are worth the extra pounds I put on. But I know I've been gaining too much weight. I can feel it in my body, and see it. It hurts now every time I get up and walk or even move. And that's horrifying. I'm only 28 years old, my body should not feel this horrible just walking around. I weight well over 300 pounds... I hate saying that, but I know I need to deal with reality. I'm hoping the screening tells them that I really, desperately need help from them, with their ED specialized psychiatrists and therapists.

I'm graduating from my technical college in May! I'm so happy and excited to start my life doing something I want. It took me a long time to get to this point. I'm not even going to lie right now because I'm most likely going to be the only one to see this, but I never thought I'd get to this point. I hate saying it, but I was suicidal for many years, and never worried about my future career/education because I honestly thought I would be dead. But that changed slowly over the years with medication. Which I am so thankful for, because when I was suicidal, I would think about killing myself constantly. And I don't mean just in passing everyday, I mean EVERY SINGLE WAKING MINUTE of my life, I was thinking about killing myself. It was absolutely horrible, crying and cutting myself late at night after numbing my arm with ice cubes to make it hurt less. That's the thing; cutting really does hurt, but it's also an addiction. And I can't say why for everyone, but for me it was a distraction and in a way a punishment for thinking about dying... makes no sense, but in my mind it did.

But I digress! I was talking about graduating; something happy! So I'm graduating in May... but I have also decided to stay in school for a different degree now. I want to be a medical assistant. What I'm going for is helpful for that, but I need the clinical experience. So, I guess I'm going to be in school for an extra year and a half! I don't mind though. I think I'm going to get a job and finish up that degree, and then really be able to begin my life and career as I want it to be. I'll be moved in with my boyfriend, who I love so much, and I will be in a career that makes me happy. All I want in life is to be content and happy.

So, here's to hoping today, April 28, will be my niece's birthday. Sarah, my sister, I love you so much. It kills me I'm not with you today, but I know you're doing amazingly, and you will be so happy when your daughter is born. I can't wait to give you all the biggest hug I can when we can finally be in contact with each other. So much love to you, Nick, and now Sylvie!