you ask me how i'm feeling or if i'm doing alright, but do you seriously want to know?
because i can ******** guarantee that after a few seconds of me attempting and miserably failing at putting my emotions and thoughts into words and descriptions so you can get some kind of understanding as to what kind of state of mind i'm in you'd want me to stop spilling myself out to you so you don't have to be the one to pick up the mess.
but since you so kindly asked, here it is:
in simple terms, i feel alone. i feel the kind of lonely that a ghost that hasn't been completely put to rest yet but doesn't even know they're dead so they have to exist without being able to talk to anyone or have anyone acknowledge their existence without knowing the reason why would feel. granted, people acknowledge my existence and talk to me and know me and befriend me, but i dunno why i'm feeling like this. i just am. it's like i'm slowly falling back into the pit i so desperately have been trying to pull myself out of.
but that's kind of difficult when you don't have the best upper-body strength.
why don't i seek help, you ask? simple. i don't like asking for help, and i don't feel like i deserve it. so i just keep almost drowning without knowing how to swim, barely managing to keep myself afloat until i get too tired and give up. so i just kind of let go again and begin my re-decent. when i do start to kind of slip back, it's hell. i'm torn between desperately wanting to talk to someone about how i'm feeling and my brain telling me that i'd be wasting their time, bothering/annoying them, etc. (even though i've been explicitly told that it's perfectly alright to), so which part do you think i listen to? you guessed it! the anxiety! and i've gone through the same process so many times that i physically have difficulty explaining how i'm feeling or what i'm thinking. that goes even further because i can never start conversations. ever. so i can't just either text or IM someone out of the blue and start chatting them up because anxiety says no and i listen to it. like a moron.
because it's my own damn fault that i feel alone and i know that but that doesn't mean i can help it. and i swear to god if you tell me to try harder or to not be so anxious or ANYTHING of the like i will personally shove my shoe so far up your a** you'll be tasting it for the rest of your life.
