warning some of these jokes are dirty.....what am i saying
some...most....almost all.....yeah....there from maxim.com guess your best
Two women are riding bikes to a friend’s house when it starts to get dark.
“I’ve never come this way before,” says one of the women.
“Me neither,” says the other woman. “I think it’s the cobblestones.”
Q: What do a d***o and soybeans have in common?
A: They’re both used as a meat substitute.
A man goes to a psychologist and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful. Every
evening, she goes to Manny’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with
anybody who asks her, and she’ll do whatever they want. I’m going crazy! What
do you think I should do?”
“Relax,” says the doctor. “Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me,
where exactly is Manny’s bar?”
A man goes for a prostate exam. The proctologist is checking him out when he
discovers a roll of hundreds in the guy’s colon. He pulls it out and counts the
money.
“You’re not going to believe this,” says the doctor. “But I’ve just found $1,900
inside your rectum.”
“Hmm,” says the patient. “Well, I guess that explains why I haven’t been feeling
too grand.”
A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet
on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry,
your duck has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing
on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few
moments later with a black labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in
amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at
the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a
cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from
head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly,
and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his
computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the
woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have
been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now $150.00."
A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A
beautiful young nurse arrives to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he
mumbles from behind the oxygen mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your
hands and feet."
Struggling, he again asks the nurse, "Are my testicles black?" Finally, she
raises his gown, holds his p***s in one hand, holds his testicles in the other,
takes a close look, and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice, but, are my
test results back."
A man goes to see a psychiatrist, who shows him a picture of an inkblot.
“What does this picture remind you of?” the doctor asks.
“A lesbian nun orgy,” the guy replies.
“How about this one?” the shrink asks, holding up another picture.
“A cheerleader orgy,” the guy says.
After three more pictures, the doctor finally puts down the cards. “You are a sick
pervert,” he says.
“Me?” the guy says indignantly. “You’re the one who keeps showing me dirty
pictures.”
A woman goes into a dentist’s office, and after her examination, the dentist
says, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.”
Horrified, the woman replies, “Oh, no! I’d rather have a baby.”
To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.”
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I can’t stop passing gas. Luckily,
my farts don’t smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted twice
since I’ve been here in your office, but you didn’t even notice."
"I can help you," says the doc. "Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week, the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave
me, but now my farts reek."
The doctor says, "Good, we fixed your sinuses! Now let’s work on your hearing."
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across
the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales
clerk: “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: “Yes we do have
dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”
The old woman then asks: “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,
tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?”
The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”
“Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe
ddddaaammmmnnn ttthingggg offffff?”
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Why do the good die young...?
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Purple Homicide
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