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Sometimes life sucks, sometimes no matter how hard you work, no matter what you do, life just seems to throw it all back in your face and tell you it's not good enough. I know how that can make you feel: worthless, useless, like there's no point trying any more. I also know how those feelings can build up and up and up until finally they break through and you end up doing something that you regret. I'm not ashamed to say I was like that. I tried to ignore how bad I felt until I couldn't take it any more and just wanted it to end. The funny thing was, it wasn't over something important, it was over a boy. Back then though, he was the most important thing in my life.
I had this fairly-tail, romanticised version of love in my head and because I had a tiny crush a on a boy, I thought that the moment he realised I loved him, he'd love me back and everything would be okay. Of course, it didn't happen like that. I did everything I could but he never noticed me, So I just tried harder, ignoring the hurt the rejection caused. Eventually, he did see me, but it wasn't in the way I wanted. He used me and threw me away like a piece of rubbish. And that was how I felt afterwards, like a piece of rubbish, so useless and worthless. So I'd go home and punish myself for being so worthless. I'd slice my arms open until they'd bleed and as the blood escaped my body, the pain escaped my heart.
That wasn't the only thing that pushed me over the edge though, there were the bully's in school who teased me and my best friend constantly, who thought it was funny to make us feel like crap and watch us cry. From year seven, right up to half way through year ten, I let them walk over me. Convince me I was a looser who didn't deserve to live. I continued to cut myself up right up until we went on a trip with school. And those idiots kicked wet, dirty mud at me and my friends. At first, I ignored them, gritted my teeth and continued like nothing happened. The second time they did it, I told a teacher, who told us to 'just ignore them' because we weren't even worth a teachers attention. The third time, I snapped, I turned on them, shouted and screamed at them to stop being such arseholes and then I lunged for the girl. I tackled her to the floor and punched and kicked her until all my anger was gone. By then, teachers had pulled us apart.
Of course, I got the blame for that. I was the one to make the first move, although that's total bollocks. She made the first move by treating us like s**t. It was then that I got my strength. That I realised, I didn't have to put up with it any more. I was strong, I had nearly broke the girls ribs and if I could do that, then I didn't have to put up with those idiots any more. So I didn't, I stopped crying when they called me names instead, I shouted back and got angry.
I found my inner strength and it's that that has helped me get through life's ups and downs since then, not my previous method of punishing myself everytime something goes wrong. Sure, sometimes I've slipped up, felt so bad that even after I fought back, it didn't make me feel any better, but I'll never go back to what I used to be like. Because now I know, I'm strong enough to pull through, I can look after myself and even if sometimes it's nice, I don't need anyone to help me.
Be Strong, Be Brave, Be Yourself.
That's all you'll ever need.
 The_Final_Princess · Wed Jan 26, 2011 @ 10:23am · 0 Comments |
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