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So, graduated... what next? |
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This is my first entry in here for a long time, probably because I'm going through a huge amount of stress and just need to vent it out.
So, some background. I used to be depressed (le gasp) and a self harmer (lolwtf) buuut thats a few years in the past (a few slip ups but hey!) So my problems lie in financial, love, family, career and friend sectors (no biggie! other important.... wait....) and I feel like I'm literally just breaking down piece by piece,
So I graduated 2% away from my ideal grade a couple of weeks ago, and I've just gotten my first ever proper proper job (iv worked part time before so yaa) and its in sales. Basically a glorified door to door saleswoman who pitches to businesses instead of people, and i get a heafty pay packet. But... I wanted something I was passionate about with a decent pay (not necessarily as high as what this one offers, but liveable), something that wasnt such high stress, I really dont want this job but at the moment its my only option.
And family? they live in france. I'm aiming to work in the uk, and commuting to another country for an interview sucks (tried it, just BAH) so i have a limited time in the uk to get money and find a place, and if i quit my current job then im out of cash and home/ My familly is also mental, with most of them refusing to talk to us because my dad got moved to singapore with his job, and my parents just being mental. My mum is ill and no doctor can find a cause, and my dads kinda being driven insane by it because shes pushing him daily for doubting her and lying about her illness (she says he was trying to kill her through this)
Love? my bf is just... wer not wht we used to be. tonight in particular brought it to light, but i just dont feel appreciated, like he takes me for granted. We just had an argument (no shouting, just me saying look, im unhappy with you doing this this this, but no raised voices) and hes sound asleep while i CANT sleep cos iv been crying for ages (pathetic, ne?) i dont want to go through the whole story but i just want him to start acting the way he did before, and i know its a stupid thing to ask, but i want the guy i started dating back, kthxbye.
Money? Yeah I have none, I'm a graduate in training for my current job and I don't get paid for the first two weeks training, which seems weird to me.... somehow.... Plus i live in london, which means expensive travel and having to stay at my bf's wit hhis mum and sharing a room with him and his brother so we get no privacy.
Extra pointers:: I have a presentation tomorrow but cnt sleep, though its practiced well, but i just cnt sleep. My bf admitted he understood why i was annoyed but still continues with the whole "but you did this and you did that" when im the one whos been crying in the corner for a good hour while hes been with his familly laughing. His mother even said to me (before the tears) that she felt bad for me cos i was getting ignored (which i was, but it was my fault for not going downstairs when he did =S and you know obvi that lead to him playing video games for ages while he promised me a night just us two, hugging, which didnt happen.... at all.....)
One last point, every one of my bfs ends up like this. Compliments decline only on his end, whenever wer not at my place hes always running off somewhere else, leaving me alone, or we dont get any quality time together (suggesting we go out somewhere together generally gets a grunt from him with no interest or denial) and i feel like a toy, something he can come see in privacy at the weekends and play with, and during the week i feel like im the bottom of the heap, no quality time.
He knew i was upset, and he just left me there and went downstairs so he could have a jolly good time watching tv, his mother saying "why dont you spend time with your gf? go on, you don't see her much" and him just... watching tv.
I'm just heartbroken over how iv ended up here. I appreciate my uni degree and im so proud of it, but what is my life? I don't even know what im aiming for anymore and whats happening. I'm working for money, and though i feel lucky i got a job in this climate, it doesnt mean i dont feel disapointed in myself. The thing that tipped me over the edge is the bf thing though, since this is how it always happens, I must just make men dicks, =S
WHAT DO I DOOOO help pls?
 Phoenixxangel LycanVamp · Thu Jul 07, 2011 @ 01:01am · 0 Comments |
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