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Please know this was really late last night when i originally wrote this (Yes on paper).
Ok so i am officially scared s**t-less. The one thing i have been trying to protect, may end up with new scars after all. I don't know, maybe i'm just being paranoid, or maybe there is actually a reason to my current fear. It just seems like an annoyance is a barrier at the moment. Maybe its a final realization about something that probably would have been easier to have known before i had gotten my hopes up.
I get that maybe i can be an a**, a clingy little b***h, an emotional rollercoster. I know i complain a lot and make such a fuss. I know what my faults are, i see them better then anyone else, the mirrors scream them at me when i look in to them. But does that make me a bad person? I have some redeeming qualities don't i? Even damaged goods, such as myself, has something going for them besides the bedroom booty call.
I can feel splinters of shards trying to cut themselves out of my chest. My arms and hands don't seem to want to work tonight, which sucks for them, I'm not going to stop writing until i am complete with this. It feels like whatever is clawing at my chest, fighting to get out wants to take hold of my feelings with great strength. I fear it is something that i have been trying to avoid for a long time.
I hate being a burdened on people, i know i have said that many times before. I just hate feeling like a puppet that has a weight of a few tons. The only time i can feel remotely close to safe is when i am with him. To hear his voice is enough to calm me down. Its weird to notice something like that now. So late in this weird little relationship to know notice something that huge. Its insane.
He takes good care of me, which makes me feel like crap. I don't know understand why or what drives him to do what he does. It just annoys me because i don't know what i can do to repay him for all he has done for me in the last few months we have been together. It's not just repaying him but also thanking him as well. I wish i could show him how much i care and...i don't know, thank him? To show my deepest gratitude, or to show how much i truly need him.
I feel like a moron. Now that i actually go back an read old blog entries. How i once use to hold the title "The girl who never beleived in love". It just amazes me, how fast something like that could change. Something that i guarded so well, that i would snarl and ravage the hands that had tried to claim it for themselves. The only thing i actually wanted to keep safe, that i would kill anyone who would try to get near it. The one organ i held close, he managed to snag it. I just don't get how he was able to do it. The scary thing of it is, now that he has it, he has control over my entire being. I could just as easily crush me with 3 simple words, then it is to set loss a pack of wild dogs, and letting them rip and tear apart my flesh.
I hate myself for it, i know i will end up regretting it later on. If that time does come, and he finds my company no longer to his liking. Then i hope he lets it come down quick and as painless as passable. i hope that we will remain friends. But then again it might be to painful for both of us. i rather he be happy then i, no matter how much it may kill me inside.
This kind of reminds me of a song i had heard on the radio.
[img:924b73b1da]http://i786.photobucket.com/albums/yy146/xXLolitaXx/DA%20stamps/Sarcasm__Stamp__by_xxkeikochanxx.png[/img:924b73b1da][img:924b73b1da]http://i786.photobucket.com/albums/yy146/xXLolitaXx/DA%20stamps/Anime_Freak_Stamp_by_auniquebaka.gif[/img:924b73b1da]
 InuYashaBlood · Tue May 19, 2009 @ 11:28pm · 0 Comments |
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