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I sit alone.
My cold computer screen is a bleak light in my comfortable room.
But I am not comforted.
In my soul that bleak light is all that shines and keeps away the darkness that threatens to overwhelm me in my despair.
Thoughts of my long sought-after wish slowly flow through my head with the agonizing audacity to flaunt my failure as they twirl and whirl in slow, painful motion.
My demons whisper to me to hate her for accomplishing what I have not.
They tell me one-thousand and one ways to make her regret having him while I do not.
But I will not.
I love her and am happy for her and have only questions and failures prancing about in my head like so many silly antelope.

But the questions are my demons.
My failures my chains.
My demons grasp the chains and whirl ever faster around my soul,
entwining, knotting, weaving the chains until there is little room for me to breathe.
But breathe I do.
They let me.
They wish me to accept their pleas of hate and jealousness and envy.
But I will not.

And yet,
I still suffocate under there cries and tortured screams.
I keep calling out, ABA! FATHER!, but my voice sounds as a whisper in a downpour. As a drop in a waterfall.
I do not have the strength to tear off the chains and throw back the demons.

I retreat into myself and weep the bitter tears of helplessness and despair.

I cannot feel sorry for myself, because my own stupidity was my undoing.
I cannot pity myself, for there are those who are far worse off than me.
I cannot hate myself, for that will only make matters worse.

I can only cry for help.
And the demons stop their cacophony for a flea's hair's-breath of a second to listen.
But that is enough.

In that brief silence I hear an echo as if from a distant memory.
My eyes made blind by sin and folly are covered in shame and weeping,
but I feel the warmth of a thousand summer nights surrounding me,
and I know the darkness is gone for a time.

A voice like the highest reaches of the sky and the deepest, depths of the sea, a voice as loud as a billion suns exploding and as quiet as the sound of an atom vibrating, a voice like the sun and moon and stars, and all of creation with some mysterious more that can't be described whispered in my ear these words, "Remember what I am about to tell you my Daughter: Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened. Ask and it shall be given to you. For you are part of my people and I shall never, NEVER forsake you."

The Voice wrapped His arms around me and held me until my tears ceased and my shudders stopped. And all I heard was the quite singing of a choir saying, "We are One Body, One Body in Christ, and We do not stand alone!"

Then the warmth was gone from around me and the dark abyss came crashing down around me with a force as to drive away any hope of life. And for a moment, I almost feared. But the song continued... Then, as if it were the singer's metronome, a light started throbbing right in the middle of my chest. And I knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt that He, the Voice, was in me always. And I walked through the darkness as if through a thin mist and brushed it away from me as one would cobwebs.

So to those of you who are jealous, or hurting. Remember His words,

"Seek and you shall find,
Knock and the door shall be opened,
Ask and it shall be given to you."

It's official....... I'm jealous of my sister to the extreme. I love her and I'm happy that she's naturally gorgeous (including the fact that she naturally tans well), has a wonderful sense of fashion, has an awesome body to exhibit her wonderful fashion sense, is able to make friends easily, talk with people easily in general, and has the best boyfriend ever. But....... well I'm pale and don't tan. When I look at myself in the mirror I think, "Oh, wow! I actually look really good today!" and then she walks in to check her makeup and I shrivel up inside because next to her I look like a giant, scruffy, draft horse next to a silver, dainty unicorn...

I don't know what to do anymore. It's the same at school. All of the girls at my school look like models while I look pretty at best. and as for my sister's boyfriend, well I've wanted a guy to like me since I started high school 3 YEARS ago and she gets one the summer after freshman year........

It's just not fair! And that sounds silly and childish, but it's true. I've prayed to God and wished on every shooting star and every first star I've seen for the past 3 YEARS and nothing has come of it. I'm always left behind in the dust when it comes to social things.

What is so wrong with me that I am unappealing to others. Children love me, I'm a great babysitter and I've gotten along great with people older than me...... Why does my generation hate me? What did I do that was so horrendous that I can't fit in even in the outcast group. I am the lowest of the low at my school socially. I don't even have a place to call my own. I've never had a friend for longer than a few years even as a kid. Am I that repulsive? Is my outlook on life so different that others shy away from associating with me longer than the occasional empty promise to "Definitely get together soon" or "Call you sometime to talk"? Am I that weird? There is no one I can tell this. I have no friends. My closest friend is my sister and my mother would only give me mom words of advice. She can only go so far to be my friend in my friendless world. What am I going to do? I don't know if I can last much longer by myself. I am only human. I need human companionship and people my own age to talk to about my fears and dreams and hopes and horrors. God isn't enough in that respect and I can't find Him in the people I meet... Aba, Father, have you forsaken me?

I'm sorry to say that this is not in fact another story entry. It is a bit of a revelation of sorts. I have realized that the guy I want to date/marry is a guy that has the same view of life as me. Failing that he is open to and even eager to learn about how I view the world. The second is more likely than the first. I don't know if that's too much to ask or not but if you have an opinion please let me hear it. I'd like to know! smile That's all for now folks!