❛ He's mad that trusts in the tameness of a wolf❜
William Shakespeare
❝The wolf changes his coat, but not his disposition.❞
❛If you call one wolf, you invite the pack❜
Bulgarian Proverb
Bulgarian Proverb
- The longer Em took to look at him the more ‘concerned’ he became. Had he hurt her? Mkhai stood looking over her body and at her feet for any signs of wounds. But, there was no blood pooling around her feet. She didn’t seem out of breath nor did she seem to be suffering from any after effects. Mkhai didn’t think he physically hurt her, but he’d done something to Emilia that caused her to withdraw. She sat on the floor with her hands covering her eyes and it was a move that did not fit his second in command at all. Emilia was not the sort of woman to run away from any situation. Each time she’d met his weakness strong; with sharp words once he’d come out of the spell. By now she’d been railing at him for not watching the signs not being careful. Right now she looked defeated. Mkhai was about to make demands again when Emilia finally spoke up. And, what she said shocked him into silence. In fact, it froze him in place. Mkhai tried to pull at the memory of the past ten minutes but he could not. Instead a sharp pounding sliced his brain. Pain meds wouldn’t be able to help him tonight if he got a headache. He knew it. Letting the memories go he simply listened to Emilia’s voice and the tinge of fear she tried to hide from him.
Mkhai stood before Emilia; her words were like a jury condemning him for his past sins. He wanted to deny, say it wasn’t him. He wanted to refute that he could ever do that. Hurt her? Never! Every fiber of his being wanted to remind her that he could never hurt her or use her in that way or even try to. But, her words were his accusers. Her words and the way she sat on the floor curled into her own memory trying to come to grips with the experience she encountered. An experience that should have been put behind them the moment the entered military camp; he stood guilty. There would be no reconciliation no return from this moment. The one person he’d intended to protect all of his life he’d scarred in one moment where he lost control of himself.
********. Dragging the word out into two syllables didn’t seem to help him. It didn’t take away the look in Emilia’s eyes nor he way she struggled to get off the floor. Mkhai would have gone to her before. He would have helped her off the floor. In their private moments he allowed himself to show concern for Emilia. She was his best friend. But, now he could not. After what he’d put her through he could not even find the strength to move towards her. He remained frozen. Guilty in his stillness. You would have raped me. The words shot through him. “ Don’t,” the weight of his guilt made the words sharp, “ don’t apologize to me for something you had no control over. Don’t ******** apologize to me when you’re curled on the floor looking up at me with fear that I PUT IN YOUR EYES.” His throat clenched on the emotions he needed to bottle. He’d already lost too much control today. “Don’t you ever apologize to me.”Mkhai could swallow his guilt. Letting Em think his melt down was her fault was not going to fly. He couldn’t stand the sound of her apology. They were like an added weight. There was no way he was going to let her fool herself into thinking this was her fault. None of it had been her fault. He was the leader. It was his job to know when he was working everyone to hard. When he was working himself to hard. He’d been focused on the mission he forgot to look out for his men. They came first; always came first. He’d forgotten. Been so enthralled in the game he lost sight of his own rules.
Mkhai couldn’t take his eyes from Emilia. She was offering him acceptance; even after he’d done what he knew was something unforgiving. He was responsible for taking her back to a past that was better left suppressed under the buds of her cigarettes. Hadn’t he seen the marks on her body; scars from the wars she’d raged simply for a right to her own body? Guilt sat on his chest and he couldn’t seem to understand the forgiveness she was so willing to give him. He would never be able to look at himself the same way again. Not after seeing her shrink on the floor away from him. Having that image of Emilia turned his blood. What was wrose she was trying to soothe it over. Make it seem as if it wasn’t as bad as it was. She wanted to go out. They had to relax, she said. Then she ordered him to put on more clothes. Mkhai didn’t say anything as she left the room. He wanted to go no where. But, he owed her this. How could he tell her no after he’d scared the s**t out of her and then had her apologize to him for what he’d done to her. It was twisted; sick. Mkhai stood in his bathroom rubbing his eyes.
Could he really have done it?
Raped Emilia.
He knew what he was capable of when he was on the drugs. But, he wasn’t on them any more. He hadn’t been for some time now. It made him wonder if it was possible for him to be so lost in his mind that his dreams could actually bring his body back to that state it had been in. He used sex as a control ever since he’d come out of the camps. Learned to control his urges and his desires. He learned how to endure …all sorts of deviant sexual desires; but what was the point if his mind could lure him back to weakness? What power did he really have? Would abstinence be better? After tonight he was sure he would have no choice but to abstain. He couldn’t imagine Amelia coming back into his bed after tonight. She knew now. She knew he was broken. Even though he was the leader of their troupe; his secret was now hers. He was not as strong as he appeared. Sure he could train her and even teach her how to protect herself. But, he could not even protect her from himself when he was lost in the depths of his mind-- his memories.
Mkhai left the bathroom. But, the feeling of despair followed him out of the room. It clung to him even as he pulled off his tee-shirt for a more ‘dress casual’ shirt. He didn’t bother changing his pants. Pain brushed the skin on his knuckles when he tugged his shirt down his torso. Mkhai didn’t wonder how he got the bruise. It would be pointless. Memories were like mischievous nymphs refusing to be seen. Fix up his wounds. He didn’t want them fixed. He wanted them raw, bruised. It would be a reminder a lesson. One he needed to remember. Still having his men see him walk out with hands bleeding and their second and third in command shaken. Walking back into the bathroom he grabbed a bottle of anesthetic and poured it over his hands one at a time. His hands felt inflamed but he wouldn’t allow himself to cool them off by blowing on them. Mkhai felt the punishment was well deserved. Once the white fuzz disappeared from around his knuckles he headed back into the bedroom and put on his shoes.
Emilia ducked into Amelia’s room just as he opened the door. Mkhai knew he shouldn’t interrupt but he needed to hear what Amelia had to say. Needed to know if he’d done anything to her. Hadn’t Em said Amelia was the first one there? He didn’t have the same relationship with Amelia that he did with Em. But, he still cared for her. The resolve for both women was the same. Nothing would happen to them. Even if they needed to be protected from him it would be done. Mkhai stood by the door and listened to the conversation. He stood as an outsider. For the first time in a long time he felt surrounded by that feeling. Getting caught in those emotions couldn’t be allowed. That was what started this entire fiasco. Maybe the government was right. He needed a break. Mkhai always knew when and where to push his limits. But, it was better still to know when to stop. Wasn’t that the true mark of a leader? Still if he were to step back now; to put another in charge. What would his troupe think? What would the government think. He couldn’t. Requesting time off would see like a burn out. That would immediately put him into testing and that was the last thing Mkhai wanted. If the government thought he was no use to them; he’d be back in the breeding camps. There was no doubt about that. No. He had to get himself together. Had to pull through this.
They’d been given a few days to themselves. He’d take it. Mkhai decided he’d also start delegating work to the other members of the team. He knew Em and Amelia were capable; but there were others that were just as capable. Spreading out the task meant less work for him and it also helped boost the morale of the troupe. Besides; he couldn’t keep these men under his thumb forever. Some of them were born to lead. He helped them train as much as he could. It would soon be time for them to leave and form their own. Mkhai knew they would never leave though. The men were too stubborn. Caught in a sense of pride that extended beyond anything he ever imagined. They believed he saved them.
********. He must be low if he was thinking all this sentimental s**t.
