· Wed Jan 30, 2008 @ 07:27am · 0 Comments
· Sat Jan 12, 2008 @ 12:23am · 0 Comments
I can see the sunshine now
Reflecting off the water's brow,
Flowing like the liquid gold,
Silken smooth each ripple-fold.
This prize is for the morning shimmer
To bathe herself in gentle glimmer,
To rid herself of worldly glow
And fly as free as rivers flow.
Oh, that I could swim today
and peacefully let come what may!
But daring as I sometimes be,
All that gold is brass to me.
If I choose to fail my cares,
The worries that no one else shares,
I forget what matters most to me:
The lives of those whose love I see.
1st stanza: Excellent imagery and cadence! surprised
You might want to make the end of line two a period. And only the beginning of sentences must be capitalized.
2nd stanza: "This prize" is kinda vague. In fact the second stanza starts to move in a direction that is obcured because you're trying to fit things into the meter and rhyme. Not that there's anything wrong with <i>having</i> meter and rhyme, but you should always make sure that the meaning is given priority before how it sounds and fits. Also, glimmer is a verb, and when you use it as a noun, it doesn't really sound right. "Worldly glow" doesn't mean much, because you don't have enough time to make sure it fits in the context of the poem. At first the sun's glow is just what it is, but when you saw "worldly glow" we assume that the same sun's glow is the worldly glow...or something. You see how confusing it is? Because you gave both things the same characteristics, even though the second is a metaphor. Last four lines are dead on, and you should try to have the first half mesh with the second.
3rd stanza: Here you choose to completely abandon imagery! gonk
Nooo don't do that! You were on a roll, and you probably could've stopped at stanza two and called it finished. The third stanza is not very poetic because it's just talking about "things" and abstracts, while the first two stanzas blended meaning and imagery well. Try to make that consistent throughout the entire poem. 3nodding
I lie here alone
I wish it would stop
I can no longer hold back the tears
Can anyone hear me screaming?
Drowning in my own misery
The pain is too much to bear
Do I deserve this?
The darkness swallows me
It takes me away
It brings me somewhere I can sleep
Without pain, fear, hate, love
The epitome of eternal bliss
That settles my restless soul
A place where I can sleep
Just to warn you, if anybody else saw this who has some experience with poetry, they will tell you to keep your journal entries to yourself.
The plot of this poem isn't very deep. It begins with you crying, and then the "darkness" consumes you and you're fine. You're hurting and everything's awful but there's one thing missing- the reason WHY. It's never addressed. And when we don't know why this person is crying and hurting, we don't <i>care</i>. It's pointless, really.
Not only that, but there is barely enough imagery to hold this together. You talk about a place that a "darkness" brings you to (and I keep quoting that because it means nothing, it's not given any description, we don't even know what it is) and we know what you feel when you're in this place, but we don't know if it's a state of mind, of a physical realm, or a metaphor, or what. And what irks me even more, is that you describe it as a physical setting, a sanctuary, and then you use "my tourniquet" which is a song by Evanescence. I don't know if you did that on purpose, but frankly I can't stand this band, and even less when you use a metaphor that doesn't match with everything else you wrote.
I want you to try being more specific too. Don't just say "it hurts." What can we think about when you say it hurts? We can't imagine it.
Here's what you need to use: metaphor and simile
, action verbs, line breaks and punctuation
, and try not to write prose
Now, I'm not going to go into much more detail with this poem, because it's really just a bump in the road to your poetic development. What I can tell you, is that you should stop relying on single words to describe things for you.
These are called abstract word symbols and they don't describe anything. Don't rely on the meanings inherent in the word. Make a picture with your words, create a special context just for your poem, so that you can truly call it an original work of art, because the meaning was forged by YOU.
This was very odd. eek
by the mailbox
i rehaunt the mouth
of my parents' driveway,
where once a 'possum decomposed
where she used to arrive
always a little late for antici
The poem's just begun and somehow you've already establish a very long amount of time. Re- shows that you used to do this, and <i>one</i> of those times a possum decomposed for <i>weeks</i>. I like how you did that. Interesting too how the always modifies not only her lateness, but that she used to arrive. So even her actions were predictable and at the same time always doesn't really mean always. I'm left wondering why you stopped.
As for anticipation thing, I like it, though as soon as I read it Rocky Horror Picture show instantly popped into my mind. Kinda made me not focus on the poem as much as I should've, and that happened every time I re-read it, too.
here again i hide deeply in my pockets
planets of lamplight brew
on the rainslicked vacuum of Schultz Road
today a squirrel starts picking
The first two lines confused me. I wasn't sure if the first line was just one sentence, or if it was continued on through the next line. It makes more sense to me as just one sentence for one line, so that planets brew (brew as verb) instead of a planet's brew (re: beer) in your pocket. You say that you hide in your pockets, but are you using synecdoche to indicate your hands are you? It seems like a lot of this poem zeroes in on specific parts, not necessarily because they're important, but more for the disorienting effect, and it gives it more of a surrealist touch than what I'm used to seeing from you.
I like how you describe the road as a vacuum, tire sucking and also metaphor for the emptyness that results in travel (either for not having a home, or for the zoned-outness that people get when they drive for a while).
The use of the word today I question, I know you wanted to have something in between the action of the first line so it doesn't just read as "this does this / this does this" but it seems redundant after "here again."
someone's high-beam eyes
are white and getting wider--
twin novas approaching
at the speed of want--
i expect this
to be one of the three cars she smashed
into deer, so
I like how you cut the line at "i expect this" to give a double meaning. Nice. Though this is kinda picking at me...the high beams are described as eyes, and then the break lights (or whatever) in the next stanza are described as eyes as well. Not only that, but the "she" you are speaking of is seperate from the personified "she" that the car has become. Did you want them to be considered inseperable? Right now it could go either way.
i litter the roadside
in anticipation, a
squirrel makes maggots by the mailbox,
the car makes a wall of air,
it dopplers by,
it escapes me--
her eyes-- they're red
Litter the roadside with what? Is this the same squirrel mentioned above, or a different one? If it's the same, you might as well refer to it as "the squirrel" to let us know you've already established which squirrel it is. I like from "the car" to "it escapes me." The hyphens are now more noticeable in changing the pace. Since the poem began with almost no punctuation, and used the hyphens sparingly in stanza 3, it wasn't very noticeable. But here, it is, and they add to the tone of being unfinished, or something in the balance is upset.
You began with decay imagery, so I'm assuming this is a physical locus metaphor to parallel the decay of the relationship between you and "her." You used this imagery to exemplify the passage of time, which is good, but I think you're so zeroed in on this metaphor that you ignore setting up different types of imagery except for the car personification. This kinda makes setting/context imagery oversparse, which is why I'm saying this poem is different from your others. Also, you had left this station before the poem takes place, but for the poem you are here again, and the only thing that meets you is the car. What it seems like you want is the build up of anticipation (and by the way you used the word a second time in the last stanza, it's borderline redundant), and you chose to do this by letting only bits and pieces of content slip throughought the stanzas between the decay imagery, but what you end up doing is never supplying a resolution contentwise. This kinda makes me itchy, and not in a good way.
What I think would make this poem feel more complete, is if you somehow put a line or two in there describing the overall feeling of the speaker about the chain of events, or maybe some sort of statement about the nature of this car, or something, as long as it gives the reader a piece of finality to walk away from the poem with to mull over. As of now I think it ends too abruptly, and though I want to know what happens, it's a bad "I wanna know" because I never will know, and I can't even make my guesses as to how it will play out because the characters were not given enough characterization.
That's your 100g worth. Sorry I couldn't find anything else, for the most part I was confused. xp
· Sat Apr 16, 2005 @ 07:39pm · 0 Comments