Lately i have begun to wonder what has happened to the old me. It might sound cliche but I really but I really have no idea how i came to be who I am now.
I look back 4 years, even less and I was so innocent. I was the good little Christian girl, with no self estime, I was maybe 10 pounds over weight but I felt like I was completely undesirable. I had no real friends, no one who really cared, well besides Dannie, but she never understood who I really was. that was the problem, I couldn't really be myself around anyone.
It's easy to say that it was going to Stevenson that changed me. I was able to be myself, find things I liked, but I think the real truth was that I had people who actually genuinely cared about me. And they were so amazing that I couldn't comprehend that they could see me as anything but obnoxious and annoying and fat and ugly and weird. But they loved me
I remember a time when I was so shy around guys. My face would blush pink even sitting next to one of my guy friends or a friend's brother on the couch. Now I could care less. I will happily cuddle with guys and girls I hardly know.
I've just been thinking since Friday. It was one thing with David back in december. I was desperate for physical contact and David was...bleh not was...is everything I needed after Andrew, excitement, insanity, accepting me for me, not needing me to censor myself until I almost become a different person. I wonder who I would have ended up being if not for David.
But now I've been with David for almost five months with the longest time apart being a few days. I also have my best friend to cuddle yet the second time meeting Simon I am more than happy to use him as a pillow. Is this who I am slowly becoming? I remember back to Stevenson when I would happily cuddle with Will and Tiffany and by the end even Trevor even while he was dating a friend. it didn't matter, it wasn't anything more than personal contact. I like personal contact I guess. I'm most happy if I have people hugging me snuggling with me,even just letting me use them as a pillow or using me as one.
That's not to say I don't love the contact I have with David, and I would definitely not want to go long without sex, but is that even something i hold sacred any more?
I know when David and I first hooked up I loved the idea of having a friend with benefits. But I like the security of having a boyfriend too. Someone I know I can run to and count on to love me and only me. no chobits reference. I wonder if I culd reach a point where I just like having sex and being with a bunch of people. sure I would like them all to be friends not just random people. but I cold see myself that way, I'm already getting there, too bad I'm so much of a loner that the friends I do have don't tend to be the swinger types. Who knows, we'll see what the future brings. I just wonder what happened to the good little christian girl, with her pompoms and jeans with flowers on them with dreams of being a veterinarian and marrying a good Christian man. I'm happy I've changed, I can look at myself now and be happy with me at least a little bit and know that there are people who wish they had some of the life I had. That they could snuggle with hot gay men and blond girls, that they could dress as a cat girl in public and not feel self conscience, just feel pride. lets see whta the future brings
btw I know no one is likely to read this but if you do and call me a slut I will report you thank you
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Calianne
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