A cafe. One table is occupied by a group of Vikings with horned helmets on. A man and his wife enter.
Man (Eric Idle):
You sit here, dear.
Wife (Graham Chapman in drag):
All right.
Man (to Waitress):
Morning!
Waitress (Terry Jones, in drag as a bit of a rat-bag):
Morning!
Man:
Well, what've you got?
Waitress:
Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;
Vikings (starting to chant):
Spam spam spam spam...
Waitress:
...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam...
Vikings (singing):
Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!
Waitress:
...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
Wife:
Have you got anything without spam?
Waitress:
Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.
Wife:
I don't want ANY spam!
Man:
Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?
Wife:
THAT'S got spam in it!
Man:
Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?
Vikings:
Spam spam spam spam (crescendo through next few lines)
Wife:
Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?
Waitress:
Urgghh!
Wife:
What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!
Vikings:
Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress:
Shut up!
Vikings:
Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress:
Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam.
Wife (shrieks):
I don't like spam!
Man:
Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam and spam!
Vikings (singing):
Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress:
Shut up!! Baked beans are off.
Man:
Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?
Waitress:
You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words)
Vikings (singing elaborately):
Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam spam spam!
