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So I left off being almost ready to break up with Rose and feeling guilty for what was going on with Aubrey. And seriously, what I was allowing to happen with Aubrey in my relationships since her is appalling. I am sorry to the women I dated (Rose and Lauren) and really hope that they don't find out someday. Not because I don't want them to be mad at me for it, like they should be, I don't want to mar the relationship in their eyes and hurt them anymore than I already have.
During the following couple weeks, I started talking to Aubrey more as well as Aubrey's friend Allie that never really talked to me before. Both were flirting with me and vice versa and I knew that I had to end things with Rose. However, and I wholeheartedly regret this, I kissed Aubrey lightly before stopping myself and pulling back during one of her visits.
It was settled in my mind at that point that I either had to talk with Rose about still being in love with Aubrey and Lauren and starting to get a crush on Allie all while dating her AND that I kissed Aubrey and see if she'd want to keep dating, or break things off. I chose the latter. It was hard to do but needed to be done.
Over the summer, both Allie and Aubrey wanted to be more than friends with me, however neither wanted to date me. It led to some interesting experiences that were definitely highlights of my summer including spending a night with Aubrey in her house alone without anyone knowing, but other than that it passed by pretty blandly.
The end of the summer came and Aubrey told me we should stop hooking up, while Allie left it as "If we're both dating some other summer, I'm game if you want to do this set up again." I was a little disappointed that neither went anywhere, but I couldn't say that I expected it to.
The last week of August, I moved in to college early to take part in the BRIDGE program which I got into being a peer for through my tutoring job at the OSS. We helped kids get adjusted to college and show them around campus. I met two girls that I liked spending time with and was attracted to, Stephanie and Erin. However, there were reasons not to date either.
Lauren was still dating the guy from the other semester, but she spent a lot of time complaining about his looks and the way he acted. Apparently he would also suck on packets of nicotine because it was "better for him than smoking". It took a lot of convincing, but she eventually opted to break up with him.
Before she could, he told her that he wanted to not see her for a couple days. Then, when they did see each other again, he said he thought they should go on a break. If she wanted to go on a break as well, it would mean no talking till they were getting back together. But if it was a break up, it would mean never talking again.
Never talking again apparently meant a week and he was back talking to her about his new set up. Later she found out that that night they broke up, he hooked up with some other girl and started dating her. He effectively earned his nickname "Douche (Steve)"
Erin did however become one of my best friends on campus and the first half of the semester. I was with her almost constantly and I definitely liked her and joined a club, Active Minds, to spend more time together. I almost wanted to date her, but Aubrey came back into my life with us hooking up again and I wanted to get back with her (seriously, I hate how I am with her).
Erin's suitemate actually knew and hung out with a lot of Computer Science majors that I had never gotten around to speaking to. And she suggested I come join the Computer Club on campus. I did, and greatly enjoyed myself. My only regret was that the AI contest that we took part in, we half assed an attempt at and probably could have done much better if we had tried harder and had more time.
Shortly thereafter, Erin starts dating a guy on my school's swim team (that my roommate is also on) and one night, at dinner, the guy and I get into a bunch of arguments because he was criticizing and nitpicking everything I was saying. I head back to my room and Erin apologizes for how he was acting via an IM. When I find out that he was coming to my room to drop off my roommates ID.
I thought nothing of it and the guy shows up and starts yelling at me for how I was acting. He said that he would punch a guy for a lot less than he put up with from me and asked what my problem was such as me liking Erin. That aside, the reason I was arguing was that he was arguing and attacking what I was saying. My arguing was a sort of retaliation.
He also yelled at me for the depressed state I was in due to the anniversary of Nikki and Mike being arrested and me having my life flip upside down saying that he didn't want me being like that around Erin and to think about how it'd impact her.
And then he pulled out a knife and told me he wanted to gut me, that's how mad he was at me. He said he had punched and broken a mirror in his dorm out of frustration and that his friend kept tackling him to keep him from coming to my room to beat me up until he had calmed down. He also told me not to tell Erin any of this.
Eventually I got him to leave. I was legitimately scared for my life and felt unsafe on campus for two weeks following that. Now, I regret doing this, but I listened and kept it from Erin. She had just started dating him, she was happy with him, and he seemed to also really care about her. So I opted that she didn't need to know. But I started avoiding spending time with her because she was always with him and we kinda stopped hanging out. Period.
Aubrey decided that we shouldn't hook up. Again. And then told me that there was no future for us in her mind. I was devastated and it just made the above problem worse because I had no real way to get my mind off of it. I fell behind in my work and lost interest in most of my day to day activities.
Then, this past Thursday (the 9th), the club I joined, Active Minds, was having a dinner for the members to spend time together. And this one girl in the club, Nicole, stood out to me. I had always found her cute, but never really had a reason to spend time talking one on one before. So throughout the pre-dinner hanging out and during dinner preparation, I made a clear attempt to spend time with her and talk.
This spread into the event we were going to after dinner and I get back to my room to be greeted with a friend request from her. We've spent a couple nights talking for hours. I asked her if she liked me Monday night, and she said she likes me as a friend, but more than that she didn't know. So not a yes, but also not a no. So I'm kinda hopeful about where that will lead.
During this past week, I also have decided to make a conscious decision to try to start liking myself more instead of always being down on myself and depressed. It's been working for the most part.
Tonight, Aubrey called me and we had a discussion about the two of us in relationships. However, this time when Aubrey told me that there is no real chance of us ever dating again due to the way she is in relationships, I wasn't depressed. I almost didn't even care. I felt pity for her because she would probably always have regrets about all her relationships, but wouldn't actively try to fix it.
I am hopefully on the path to being over Aubrey. At least at this point, I don't want to date her again. Which is not saying I won't again in say 3 years. But for now. I want nothing to do with her past friendship. And that's exactly where I need it to be before I can date anyone new.
~-------------------------------------~-------------------------------------~-------------------------------------~-------------------------------------~
*The end for now*
 EternallyDevoted · Wed Dec 15, 2010 @ 07:42am · 0 Comments |
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Letters To Nikki
I've wanted to write a letter to Nikki in jail since.... well... October 2008. I just... it's hard to get the words to write to come to mind and I don't even know if she still would want to hear from me if I haven't tried in two years. It hurts to think about her and it hurts to realize chances are that I'll never see her again.
Unlike the other people from high school that dropped off the face of the Earth, I can't reach out to her to say hi when I miss her. Which happens a lot. So I kinda want to write a story of sorts in her honor. It would be a bunch of letters to Nikki. The ones that I would have written and SHOULD have written over the two years since I last heard from her.
It would give updates on my life while checking in on her, making sure she's okay and whatnot. Of course, I don't know if this will happen. Someday it will, I hope.
Big Heads, Little Arms
I kinda started a comic, but had to go on hiatus for the duration of my semester since I lacked the time to color the comics in GIMP. It'll pick up again in the summer and I'll actually get around to an avoidance-to-getting-a-plot story arc involving a person much too short growing much too large XP
After that, I have a plan for how the actual story will begin with actual characters as opposed to just drawings of my friends. I can't even really base the story on my love life, even if it would make great source material for a drama.
Banana Bros. Games
My best friend, Matt, and I have been friends since we were 3. And back when Donkey Kong Country and its sequels came out, we called ourselves the Banana Bros. and it stuck. We've toyed around with making iPod apps and the more we learn about game making and computer programming in C++, C#, etc, the closer we get to making one.
It would be great to one day just make games with Matt. I'd do it for free and for fun during off hours from work if I have to. I just want to make games. Tentative business title would be Banana Bros. Games.
EternallyDevoted · Sun May 02, 2010 @ 05:53am · 0 Comments |
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So at the end of the summer, as the school year drew closer day by day, I just wanted it to get there. Lauren and I both ended up getting hurt by our summer set ups as we knew we would inevitably. To make matters worse, one night while Lauren was drunk, she told me would have chosen Mike over me had he not gone on to date his new girlfriend. That's not exactly the type of thing you want to hear going into a relationship.
Nevertheless, the summer ended, the school year started, and Lauren and I were dating within a week. It was great at first, and I spent so much time with her. But one visit to Rutgers early in the year kinda ruined my hopes for anything long lasting with Lauren.
I had been sorta blinded to the bad sides of Lauren, much akin to the episode of How I Met Your Mother entitled Spoiler Alert, and it took being away from her and with my friends to have a 'glass shattering' moment. Well, that and the fact that Aubrey and I had an intimate session of her biting my neck. Lauren found out and it got bad enough that I almost said "Screw it, let's break up". We kept dating though, and things settled down and were fine until November.
I went to Aubrey's birthday party and while there, Rose laid with me as a pillow and I sat there stroking her hair. My feelings for her rekindled A LOT. And then her and Aubrey pushed for me to break up with Lauren because they thought she was bad for me. And that started to sink in.
Aubrey drove me home one night and we talked in my driveway about us as well as what would happen with us in the future. She wanted to keep dating her current boyfriend and wanted to date me again eventually, but she told me she had a set up with her friend, Sam, to date whenever they both became single. She also gave me the go-ahead to date Rose again saying she just wanted to stop ******** with my life and for the two of us (Rose and myself) to make each other happy.
For Christmas, I had two major gift ideas. The first, I got a group of friends to get together and chip in money to give to Rose to buy Lion King on Broadway tickets for her and her younger brother as she had wanted to take him there. The other was I bought a teddy bear for a girl that's like a younger sister to me who really needed one. They both loved their gifts, so yay for that.
Winter break was hard on me. I was able to see Aubrey and Rose, but barely even HEARD from Lauren. They pressured me more to break up with Lauren and I saw her only twice all break and both times I felt guilty the whole time. January came along and with it the next semester. But Rose broke up with her boyfriend and we had talked about dating come the two of us both being single.
The problem that that gave birth to: I wasn't fully ready to break up with Lauren and she was going to wait to date me. If I kept dating Lauren to see it through or just to get till the end of the semester, I end up hurting Rose while also having Rose talk to me about wanting to date or flirting behind Lauren's back and hurt her in the process as well. The alternative was break up with Lauren and still have feelings for her, but make Rose happier and we can flirt without it being as secretive.
I went for the latter, but Lauren on a couple nights before she found out about me wanting to date Rose, would kiss me and invite me to spend the night. I hadn't officially started anything with Rose and went for it, but I regretted it shortly thereafter.
Valentine's Day came along and a guy asked Rose to be his Valentine after confessing his 'secret' love for her. Rose only wanted to be friends with him, was practically dating me, and was angry about the whole situation. While comforting her later, I mentioned I only knew one way to make it better and that was to officially start dating. She agreed.
Meanwhile, Sam broke up with his girlfriend saying he had feelings for Aubrey and then Aubrey was put in a situation similar to mine. She wanted to keep dating her boyfriend, but knew it would hurt Sam if she put it off so she broke up with her boyfriend and started dating Sam.
Jump ahead to now and you get to a messier version of it all. I love 3 women, all of whom are (were technically in Rose's case) exes. Lauren's my best friend on campus at the moment by far, but has cut back on spending time with me for her new boyfriend like she had said she wanted to avoid. Aubrey's dating Sam, but has told me she's having mixed feelings about it and still has feelings for me and her boyfriend from the summer. And then there's Rose who I have a great thing with, but I have this nagging feeling like something's not right and/or something's missing.
May 17 edit: I came home from college on Tuesday and Aubrey wanted to hang out so she picked me up. We cuddled together on Aubrey's bed while watching Iron Man while Rose was taking a final, and due to Rose misunderstanding a text or two, Rose didn't know I was on campus yet. We told her we were watching the movie, like we were, and she kept impatiently texting asking when the movie would be over.
We left eventually and Aubrey gets a call from her mom saying she didn't want Aubrey to be driving me home at night in the rain and recommended having me stay over. Aubrey tells me I have the choice of sleeping next to her in her dorm or telling Rose I was spending the night and sleeping next to Rose. It wasn't really a fair thing to make me choose. Because I didn't have a choice and it would only hurt Aubrey for me to choose Rose.
I had a really uncomfortable night's sleep and woke up every couple hours. Aubrey drove me home the next morning and we almost ended up kissing. I'm glad we didn't because the guilt would have killed me, but whatever. Friday, Aubrey broke up with Sam. Sam's hurt, Rose's jealous and paranoid of Aubrey, Aubrey is trying to be single for a while and not make Rose's paranoia be rightful, and I kinda want an escape from all this and be single for a while without hurting Rose... That's not likely. Oh well...
- End. For now. -
EternallyDevoted · Sun May 02, 2010 @ 05:35am · 0 Comments |
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So it's been a little less than a year since my last journal entry. It just never occurred to me to make a new journal entry with all the drama going on in my life so I'm going to cover it all in one go. Let's see how this ends up.
So Rose and I had just started dating me, Aubrey was ignoring me because she needed space, and I felt like utter s**t. Rose and I talked to each other about everything. From the fact that neither of us were over a respective ex to what I did that day. And I was genuinely happy. We set up an escape clause so that if one of us had a chance to date our respective ex, we'd go back to just being really good friends. I don't know what I would have done if the chance arose, but I was just really happy to have Rose right when I needed her most. And everything was great. Until Aubrey started talking to me again.
Aubrey started calling me at night. She'd have a good night call with her new boyfriend and then call me and tell me she loved me and missed me. I didn't know how to take it. Was it great news or was it just a way for me to be hurt again? I ask her to either break up with the guy or stop. And she stops. For a bit. And then starts it up again. Meanwhile, Rose was planning to talk to her ex about still loving him and seeing if he'd want to date again. The first time, he canceled their meeting and I invited her along to hang out with Aubrey, her brother, and me to get her mind off of it.
But the second meeting they talked and they wanted to try dating again. I get home from hanging out that day and I get online to talk to Rose who awkwardly tells me she's going to date Alex again. Thing was, if she had told me he rejected her, I was planning to give up on Aubrey and just focus on us being a more... serious relationship. I fell for her the hardest right before she left, but I had promised we'd go to being friends so I didn't want to rub my misery in her face.
We hung out a couple times after that. During which time Aubrey kept switching between the calls and semi-ignoring me. Until I finally got pissed off and told her to make a choice already. Me or him. And she told me she picked me. She broke up with him and told me we'd start dating soon. I'm excited and I mention it to a friend of mine that Aubrey broke up with the guy only to hear that they weren't acting like they broke up. They were still always together. He still followed her around and vice versa. They still walked through the hallways holding hands. And I found out later that he was still kissing her and making her 'confused'.
On the weekend, I went home and we hung out. And the entire time she's distracted and distant. And half the time she's texting him. The next day, I ask to hang out again and she tells me she has plans with him that afternoon. So I am thinking about it all day and a friend invites me to hang out at a park with her to get my mind off of it. I'm waiting for word from her that she's done hanging out with him because she mentioned maybe hanging out a bit that night.
It got to be 11:30 ish. Still no word from her. I was about to give up when she asked me to come over. I go over there and she tells me she can't pick between the two of us. I said I'd make the choice for her then. Either she'd stop me or she wouldn't as I turned to walk away. She really was the one to make the choice. She let me walk away and she ran back inside her house to cry. I was so distracted on my way home that I almost drove off the road. And I really didn't care.
She told me she was going to need to be single for a while. And starts dating him around a week later because she didn't want to tell the guy to back off a bit so she could be single. And I was upset and blocked her on a couple mediums. To which she gets pissed off and ignores me for a good while. She promised the guy that she wouldn't talk to me.
And I didn't hear from her until June. I had just started talking to and flirting with a girl from my college, Lauren, in hopes of setting something up for the fall semester. And then Aubrey shows up, IM'ing me the night of prom to b***h to me about the guy and all the emotional abuse he put her through and that she missed me. If I was any other guy I would have told her off. But I missed her and still loved her. We started talking again and she decided to break up with the guy for good this time.
We enter into a less-than-dating set up for the summer initially just for hugging and cuddling before expanding to other stuff. I spent a good portion of my summer with her, visiting Rose at her job on campus for lunch, or both. And then Aubrey goes on a three week trip to Europe. Before she leaves, she tells me she'd email me once in a while. So I distract myself with visiting Rose and working.
It got to be over 2 weeks into the trip and I hadn't heard from her at all. I sent her an email asking how the trip was, checking up on her. And she responds with something along the lines of "I met a boy. I'll be home Monday. Talk then razz ". I start assuming the worst and I wait till she gets home to find out more. Turns out she forgot that she was involved with me in any way and had met this guy, who had a girlfriend before going on the trip, who she spent the entire trip with flirting and they started dating mid-trip.
I express distaste to the fact that the guy had a girlfriend and left her for Aubrey and mentioned if he did it once, he's likely to do it again. And she gets pissed at me and says "I thought you'd be one of the only people to be supportive of this and that's why I told you the full story." When in actuality, I was probably the single person who was hurt the most by it. And guess what? She ignored me again.
At this point, Rose and I had done lunch around 7 or 8 times over which I realized I had STRONG feelings for Rose still. And Lauren and I had spent over half the summer just talking constantly and such. I was part of a "contest" of hers in which she couldn't pick between me, a guy from school she hadn't heard from all summer, and her ex. I felt like crap and really just wanted to date Lauren. Problem was she lived an hour away from me, I had no access to a vehicle to get to her, and she was in a similar set up with her ex, Mike. That is, until he starts pursuing and dating some other girl.
-- break point-
EternallyDevoted · Sat Feb 13, 2010 @ 01:36pm · 0 Comments |
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I was opposed to the open relationship from the start. Aubrey started dating Dimitry a week into us switching. I had to deal with knowing she would be dating him eventually, her telling me it was just a matter of when he asked her out that they'd start dating, and getting a text message saying he asked her out and they were dating now. I had to deal with the fact that while I had to BEG for a chance to see her for five minutes over the course of an entire weekend, she could spend hours a day with him due to the play at the school. I had to deal with her not talking to me so she "could get her work done" only to find out that she was talking to him and ignoring me until our routine good night phone calls. I had to deal with her not being happy with me and being happy with someone else.
The weekend following them starting to date, I get home and my friend, Rose, sends me a PM asking me what's been wrong and that I've seemed down lately. This is the same person I had to talked to to help me deal with my friends being murder suspects. We talked about everything that happened with Aubrey and myself over the last couple months, how I've felt about it all. She was there for me.
We also talked about her past relationship hang-ups: from the guy that was ill whom broke things off with her so she wouldn't be hurt to the guy who rushed her through the relationship and wanted to change her into what she wasn't. And I started to get feelings for her. I was confused. I didn't have someone to talk to and ask for advice, so I went for broke and told her I was starting to have a crush on her. We talk most of the rest of the weekend. And Aubrey is unavailable for just about all of it due to the play, work, and being too tired.
I told Aubrey about it, making sure she was okay with it. I figured she had a right to know I might be dating someone soon, too. Rose is also Aubrey's friend. I didn't realize she was in the category of "best friend" because Rose hadn't known about any of the stuff of the past 3 months with us and I only saw Rose at big gatherings of our friends. It comes from the fact that I'm from a different school district that I don't know who is friends with who, and how close they really are.
Aubrey tells me it's fine if I dated Rose and also tells Rose the same thing. We check on this several times, not wanting to do something she would be hurt and upset by. All seemed fine, so Rose and I go on a test date to see if we'd like to actually date. It was an awkward mess, but we decided we really wanted to try us out. So I asked her out officially mid-date. Afterwards was the play's performance that I was going to. The guy Aubrey was leaving me for wasn't supposed to be there and it was supposed to be my night with her.
Aubrey mostly ignored me before the play, due to being busy, and finally dragged me aside at intermission. I told her that I started dating Rose earlier that day. Since she had the same right to know as I did about her and the other guy. She talked about us for a bit. How it was strained and how dragging it out with the open relationship was just delaying the inevitable break up. We are set to walk away and I see the other guy there. Who apparently decided last minute that he was going to be there.
I get back to my seat and I get a text from Aubrey asking if we just broke up. I didn't know and asked if she wanted it to be that. She said yes. We both felt like s**t the rest of the play, with me looking away from the stage every once in a while to look back at her. Having to realize, "Hey, she's not your girlfriend anymore. Just your friend." The end of the play comes and I stand around for 20 minutes waiting for Aubrey to come talk. It really only needed to be 30 seconds worth, but I had to wait. Next to her mom. And the new guy decided to walk RIGHT past me while I was standing there waiting for our last talk as boyfriend and girlfriend.
She finally gets there and we walk towards her mom's car with her stuff because she was going to a diner with the cast after the show. Her mom drove away and we hugged and talked about how this was needed. We kissed our last kiss. And then she had to go. We grabbed eachother's hands by the fingertips and started walking away. Letting our hands drop as we got too far away to support each other anymore. I drove home feeling like s**t. I ended up missing my turn and having to find an alternate route.
I saw Rose three more times this past weekend since the play. I'm falling for her more and more with each visit. The last visit ended with Aubrey coming to hang out with the two of us. Me alone in a room with my recent ex, who I don't know how to be just friends with or how to act post-relationship, and my recent girlfriend, who I don't know how to act with in front of my ex. Basically it ended with me being ignored until it was time to leave and Aubrey needed me to drive her home.
We talk about how awkward that was. I get to her house. Aubrey seemed a bit stressed and I asked if she needed a hug. We hugged. A long, drawn out, "I don't want to let you go and lose you" hug. We eventually break apart and she's crying while I'm hurting, but trying to hide it so she doesn't feel worse. She already knew that everything she was going through now was stuff I already had to deal with for months. And now that she was going through it herself, I didn't think she'd need the extra stress.
I get home and talk to her for a bit before I'm set to get on a train back to college. She posts on our group of friends' hangout forum that I was now dating Rose. I have to leave for my train and I keep texting with Aubrey as I'm going. Then I get a text saying she didn't want to talk to me for a week. Or more. I get back to college, after a series of trains being late, needing to wait an extra hour for my connecting train, and having to stand outside waiting for a shuttle to campus for half an hour, only to find out the forum EXPLODED.
Apparently, I was a douche for what I did to Aubrey. She almost left me for another guy, switched us to an open relationship so I'd be a fallback boyfriend while she dated other guys, and was upset when I found someone to try to move on a little with. But I'm the douche. People reached that conclusion without any of the details and I just realized "Half of these people were only friendly / neutral towards me because I was dating Aubrey and they didn't want to upset her." I'm indefinitely done with the site because of that. The only people on it that I talk to are the people that I talk to off of it. And everyone else felt I was the bad guy.
Aubrey eventually made a thread, that Rose and I aren't supposed to read, about all that happened so that people would be a bit more educated before calling me a douche. But I am not going to magically feel welcomed back and come in smiling going "Hi, how've you been? I'm fine with all you said when Aubrey and I broke up and you assumed I was to blame." And I am seriously considering just leaving the site altogether.
I've felt like s**t, seeking out words of wisdom from people for the past month or so. All of them saying Aubrey had been stringing me along as her security blanket while she dated other people. She wanted the open relationship for her, but the second it turned around, she wanted out. If I felt that she was serious about me and was only dating the other guys casually, I would have been fine. I would have stayed with her as long as she'd have me. But I wasn't the main relationship. She was leaving me in the dust, on the back burner, for another guy.
Aubrey, if you're reading this, I'm sorry for the bitterness in this entry. But wanting to not talk to me when I need to talk to you the most... I can't deal with this. Rose and I want to date, but if she is going to be as hated by the group for this as I am, we might chose to avoid all this and end it. This drama stressed the two of us out, between the blatant insults on my character and the comments from people to Rose about things like "We need to hold a funeral for her taste in men".
You said you wanted me happy. I would have been happy with the truth.
EternallyDevoted · Mon Mar 09, 2009 @ 06:25pm · 0 Comments |
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Things change and it is time to move on... |
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Another day, another sleep-deprived night of me procrastinating on the computer. Recently, right before Valentine's Day, my girlfriend asked me how'd I feel about an open relationship. That one little question almost cost me my relationship with her, as the plan was initially to break up this past Tuesday. I asked to have until then, our 17 month mark, so that I could still give her my Valentine's Day gifts and try one last hurrah of us.
She wanted the open relationship to date one guy in particular, and it just happened to be the one guy that would bother me to see her date more than anyone else. The plans for Tuesday switched a few times before ultimately ending at us staying together in an experimental phase.
At first, I didn't want to do a journal entry about it, saying to myself that it was something I didn't want to type out and share. The fact that Aubrey also has a Gaia account also had something to do with that thought. However, I've kept entries on all the major events of my life so far, so why stop now?
The reason that the guy she wants to date bothers me so much is as what he stands for: another version of me. When I met Aubrey, she was taken. I didn't know it at first, but I didn't actively try for a relationship with her until I knew she wasn't taken anymore. I would have been fine if we had only ended up as friends back then. Like me, this guy didn't know at first that Aubrey was taken, but after finding out, he pursued her for months. When I saw Aubrey on AIM again, something she avoided for the better part of a year, I knew something was up. And my hunch turned out to be correct when she told me that she was online to talk to him.
And she talked to him a lot. So much, that she began to question our relationship. When I brought up my fear, she explained to him that that was almost exactly the way that Aubrey and I started dating and he said he'd back off. And by back off, he meant writing depressing facebook statuses saying stuff like "Even if you have a boyfriend, I would have kissed you if I had caught you under the mistletoe" and started behaving.....rather emo. Aubrey says that some of his friends even stopped talking to him.
But Aubrey did get past that point and decided that she did in fact love me. And she stopped talking to him for a period. But around her midterms she started talking to him again. And he actively tried again to tell her that he loved her. And it got to her. She questioned what else there was while she was tethered down to me and our relationship was almost forfeited to find out.
I compared it to an episode of Family Guy. Peter, along with the rest of the block, had gotten an offer that if they came to a seminar thing, they would win a boat. Each couple was offered the boat or a mystery box. While every couple wanted a boat, Peter wanted the mystery box. His reasoning: it might be a boat. He gave up the guarantee of what he wanted to have a chance of getting what he wanted, but with a high probably of getting something worse.
So we're in an open relationship now, but due to Aubrey not wanting to explain to people about the situation and because her friends were confused what the relationship status "in an open relationship" actually meant, she had us completely remove it from our profiles. It actually meant something to me to have me be the main name of the open relationship and that both my profile her profile showed that
we are dating, but like everything else in the past week of us negotiating the terms for our relationship change, she got her way.
All of this chaos, though, made me think about how much people change. I know it is too early to decide to give up faith that my friend was innocent of the crime she was arrested for, but it is foolish of me to wait. We drifted apart in the lead up to the whole thing and by the time she gets out, the two of us will be completely different people. There wouldn't be a basis of a friendship to fall back to anymore, and we'd essentially be meeting for the first time.
So Cloud......is now Phantom. Goodbye and good luck, Nikki. Thank you for what you contributed to my life and I do hope you are proven innocent, but I need to be freed from my checking on your name on google for updates on your case. And I'm sorry that my help to you was not enough to help you.
And Aubrey, if you do end up reading this like I'm assuming you will, the reason behind this was your comment. We don't know how to be friends, so what will become of us when things change? I hope we can find a way to become friends so that goodbye is not for forever.
EternallyDevoted · Thu Feb 19, 2009 @ 02:20pm · 1 Comments |
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With the release of zOMG, I've jumped on the route to high earning. Selling the rings and things I make in the market has earned me enough to buy a lot of the old items from past accounts and things I've given away / traded / sold. I purchased an OMFG, a Chyaku Norisu Scarf, a Coco Kitty, and a Kiki Kitty. But remembering the times it took a dedicated month to earn 30k gold to buy the Kiki also reminded me of the old accounts that have been banned. I've submitted requests to find out why they were banned.
The regained Coco and Kiki affected me the most. The Coco on my original account was given to me by an old friend. It was named Shadow and she gave it to me after I had given her the Kiki that I raised up for. Her Kiki was named Cloud, but after sending it to her, it remained glitched on my avatar. We named the glitched Kiki Phantom. My new Coco is going to be Shadow, but I think I'm going to name the Kiki Cloud after my friend's, rather than my glitched one.
Having these old items brings a sense of happiness to me and are the great parts of nostalgia. However, the good only brings the bad along. My friend that I talked about has been involved in a double homicide. She's been accused of 2 counts of conspiracy to commit murder and her boyfriend got accused of 2 counts of murder. I hold hope, albeit a bit slim, that one or both be found innocent. I feel foolish for holding it, but I do believe in the whole innocent until proven guilty thing.
The Kiki will be Cloud as long as I hold faith that she may be innocent or that I am willing to make an attempt to be friends again when she gets out of jail as innocent or guilty. When the faith fades, it will switch to Phantom.
EternallyDevoted · Sun Nov 16, 2008 @ 07:22am · 0 Comments |
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This summer has really been dragging on. Now, to top it off, I have a week without any contact from my girlfriend. When the longest we had gone before this was 25 hours or so. For the past 11 months. So yeah, I'm still getting used to not having her to talk to whenever I want. She left me voicemail messages for each day she'd be gone. I swear by now I've listened to the first one about 50 times, the second one around 35 times, and the third one around 15 times. When I wake up later today I get to listen to the fourth message. She left her phone here in the States, so i can always leave her stuff to come home to. She also mentioned possibly having internet, but it would be around 4 in the afternoon if I remember the time differences and what she said correctly.
So yeah, this summer also had other stuff. Like my fifth trip to Otakon (whoo! Still haven't fully unpacked from that. About two weeks ago xP. LARP was great, but I think the fact that I was Laharl might have been about 99% of the fun. I hope to be a better Laharl next year. And of course, if we can arrange it with Ben, the awesome GM dude, have more Disgaea quests available. And prinnies, dood.
I got home from Otakon around the 11th. I visited my girlfriend that day seeing how the person i was staying with was down the street from her house and her mom told me I had to sleep and that she had to do work. I don't think her mom approved of my method ((sing her as a pillow as she read)) but it was effective and comfortable. And I did sleep for around half an hour. I saw her one last time, Last Sunday, before i went to Hershey Penn. for the better part of a week. And of course, the day my mom picks to go to Hershey Park is the day my girlfriend was leaving for France. After lunch, I decided that I'd talk to and text with her as much as I could before she finally left and her phone was shut off. We also visited my sister's roommate from the latter half of freshman year ((who ended up dropping out, moving to Pennsylvania, and picking an entirely different major)).
Oh, and I found out Amish people have really weird senses of humor. I was in the middle of Intercourse, a couple miles past Virginville and getting closer to Paradise and leaving behind Blue Ball.
Yup, all actual town names. Silly Amish people.
EternallyDevoted · Sun Aug 24, 2008 @ 06:51am · 0 Comments |
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Kandy was my sister's Dalmatian that she got from a family friend when she turned 5. We've had her in our house for the last 15 and a half years. When we first got her, we had another dog, Chip, who was put to sleep in the summer leading into 5th grade for me. I didn't get that when he was being brought to the vet a few days after I had to go find him in the backyard with a flashlight that I would never see him again and I had given him one last pet before running back to play Pokemon Stadium of all things....
This is my 4th major pet (i.e.: excluding rodents and fish) to have passed away and it still isn't easy to deal with. Kandy had behaved like a puppy up until last summer when she started acting old. She lost control of her bladder and would have to be let out 6 or 7 times a night or she'd have an accident. My mom, my older sister, and I did our best to accommodate to her needs. I had taken on the persona of hating my dog because of how often I had to clean the kitchen or let her out or hunt her down when she wouldn't come back in. It was wrong for me to yell at the dog as a means for venting stress from my day to day life. This past weekend, Kandy couldn't get up onto her legs by herself, just stayed on the floor of the kitchen while she peed, and whined just about the entire night.
My sister spent the night (Sunday into Monday) out in the kitchen saying goodbye to her dog. Monday morning came along, and my sister left for work. My younger sister had camp today and my mom made sure Andria gave her one last love before she left. It was while Andria was at camp that we brought Kandy over to the vet. I wanted to stay home because I didn't think I could take it, but I could tell my mom needed me so I went along.
We got to the vet and I wanted to wait out in the car, but the same situation arose. Mom went into the vet to go through the paperwork and I was waiting in the car. Kandy was whining to get out. I moved back from the passenger seat to the three-seater to reach over into the back of the car to pet and comfort Kandy. I wanted to say I was sorry for how I treated her and to say goodbye and to say even "easy girl", but the words wouldn't come. My mom came back and opened the hatch to sit next to Kandy and pet her for a while. When she took a picture using her cell phone of Kandy, I did the same after realizing that the picture that I had since I had gotten my phone was missing. My mom called up Kelly so that she could say goodbye again to Kandy while holding the phone up to the dog. I lost it then and could barely type text message updates to my girlfriend who was at her week long overnight "Nerd Camp".
They came out to get us, I lifted Kandy out of the car, and I took her to a strip of grass so she could go to the bathroom one last time. I brought Kandy back to my mom and turned around to clean up the poop with the available bags and the woman there stopped me and said that someone else would get it and that it was the least of my worries right now. I went inside and didn't know where my mom was put. I tried to get the receptionist's attention, but gave up. I headed towards the back and a woman directed me to the room my mom was in. A couple of tissues each later, the vet came in. He explained the process to us and how they'd sedate Kandy if she was complaining too much after the injection.
The vet was a very nice man, assuring us we were doing the right thing to let Kandy go with dignity instead of waiting for her to die down the road. He said we must have raised her well because large dogs don't tend to live to be 15. I wanted to wait in the other room while they put Kandy to sleep, but I think you can guess what ended up happening. I stood there with my hand on my mom's shoulder. I turned towards the window and didn't watch them do it. All I could hear was Kandy's whimperings as they eventually came to a stop as the vet said she was at peace. He assured us again that we had done the right thing, covered Kandy with a towel, and gave us time alone in the room before we left. My mom handed me the collar and the leash saying she couldn't hold them. My mom pet her a few times before heading out of the room. I pet her twice, and tried to close her eyes. They eerily wouldn't shut and I had to turn away and walk out of the room.
We left the vet without saying much, on our way to pick up Andria from camp. Aubrey, who had been busy while i sent her the text message updates throughout the process, got the texts while at lunch and it didn't do much for the overall mood of her group of friends. We got to the school that Andria had camp at and I looked down to see that I still had the collar and leash gripped tightly in my hands for the entire 15 minute drive. We walked out of the building and to the car, and as Andria was about to get in, my mom broke the news to her. When we got home, mom had me take down the gate to the kitchen and bring it and the collar and leash down into the basement. My mom cleaned the kitchen with the Swiffer again and tossed the towels we had laid in the kitchen to be cleaned.
When we got settled down, I went to the kitchen and saw Kitten staring into the kitchen almost as if looking to see where Kandy went and why the gate was missing. I sat down on the step stool in the kitchen and called her over, but instead of saying Kitten, I said Kandy. Later that day, (I want to say today, but it was technically yesterday) when my mom came home with groceries, I looked towards the kitchen to see if Kandy had to go out and almost lost it again. I finished bringing in the groceries and laid down until I had my composure back.
Typing this is bringing back the tears from before, but I want to make sure that I can remember this day as well as possible. I'm starting to not be able to see the screen anymore, so I'm going to head off to bed. If some other tidbit comes back to me about Monday the 7th of July or even about Kandy in general, I'll add it in. Not where it belongs chronologically, but rather in a PS-system.
Rest In Peace, Kandy. I'm sorry for all I said and did to you.
EternallyDevoted · Tue Jul 08, 2008 @ 06:12am · 0 Comments |
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