Life where I am is cruel. nobody on the streets trust you worth s**t. everything is one depressing battle after another.
From the point of my parent's divorce, I felt like I was to blame for everything in the world that goes wrong. I took responsibility for problems that were never mine. Now I am torn, I live a life I don't diverse.
often my newly formed parents would put a movie on for me, what happened in the movies looked so different from real life. in there, movies emit sequences of beauty. a hero is born, he grows up to make something big happen. along the way he meets a female counterpart. the scene is just amazing. I admit that in all my life, that feeling was the feeling I longed for- I still long for it.
The life outside the box is horrible, it's ugly and depressing. Bundled up in my room for days, my enthusiasm builds higher. I make a dash for the town in order to find out if other people like me exist.
No one like me exists, sadly...... the only humans ever see are robots
Primitive people with no since of direction, everybody I see act like they are locked away in a cage. sometime people reflect how i feel inside. I see people who pretend like everything is ok. but inside of every body's hearts lies a hunger, a need for something.
with technology rising, so is fear and seperation. I can see it happening from my own finger tips. I can't never ever be straight foward with anybody, because everybody is too afraid of who I am or what I might do. people are afraid that every golden scheme of theirs is going to crash because of me. My mom can't be straight foward to me because she lives in a sparkly fantasy were she rules everything. the truth is that our trust in eachother as a community has gone too far down the hell hole.
This worries me. what I see in my eyes as a suitible environment will never be a reality. I will never get to see my children march their little feet to school - because they don't exist.
and sometime I wonder if I'm a machine. to take orders and stand in line. to never feel emotion or train of thought. - nor desire.
and I'm torn to bits, I've already ripped my flesh in side out through my a*****e and back just to see how much I could improve my machine. My life is going no where. I sit in college doing what I hate- all the time. I'm my own worst enemy, I've died inside once for every Jew that was sacrificed- with me as the Hitler.
I've scavaged acrossed the whole gallaxy on limited technology just so I could find one form of life inside my soul.
I haven't found it yet.
I meet other people like today- wih galexies of their own. and they reject me, like a cold infection to blood cells and anti-bodies.
My life remains hidden within the walls of this journal, nobody reads- so nobody cares
If America were the country it says is it, I'd be on one great ******** leap of mankind.
