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Hey everyone, its been so long since I've writen a blog/journal in here but here it is, I have so much in my heat right now that I really need to get out, and no matter what I just really have to say it.
Almost a year ago, (it will be tomorrow) a major chain reaction occured in my life. Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of that chain reaction, which has damaged my life in such a way that even I may never understand, and am pushed to understand. One year ago tomorrow my very last grandad passed away and doing this set off a 4 month and 1 week chain reaction. first he died, it made my family so sad, my dad was heart broken about it because it was his father, and I thought that he understood but I guess that wasn't true either. After grandad, the old wise blind piano playing lady from my church passed away and I didnt find out about it untill almost a month later. about a month maybe 2 weeks later another women who was like my aunt passed away who was apart of my church. Then a month later was my mom's cousin, who was very close to all of us. The only regrets I have about her passing is tha fact that I was angry at her 1 month and 2 days before her passing and I never told her I was sorry.
That same day my cousin passed was a friend of the family. He actually passed 15 minutes before her. This man I didnt know hom personally but he had a lot to do surrounding my life. Then a month after him was a man like my uncle he was like a son to my grandad, he died in the hospital and we didnt even get notified about his funeral. If you've been following along with me so far thats 6 people who have died in the year of 2007. Well it dosent just stop right there. The very last person to die in the year of 2007 who was close to me and just so happens the most closest to me out of all 7was my dad. Yes thats right my dad. He was the last of this chain reaction, and no one is over it yet, it still feels like it was just yesterday and it all feels like a drem, like he's going to walk through the door at any moment from work.
Well the thing is his death has really messed me up and skrewed up my life, I cant seem to do anything right anymore and home and school work never cross my mind. After we buried him I went back to school with a smile on my face making everyone think that everything was alright but nothing was alright I was so smurfed up inside to what i think is the point of no return. Its crazy because before he died I felt so left out of everything and that everyone was against me and that no one was loving me for me or what they were suppoesed to love me as and I was always sad, but if I would have known that this is what it would have taken me just to be loved I would have rather suffered like I did and always cry for myself then to have cried for my dad. It hurts me so much that he's gone and even right now as I type I can't help but to cry, because I cant help but think of the fact that I am his youngest and he wont evn see me go to prom tomorrow or even see me graduate from high school in 2 monthes, and I'm doing so horribly in school that I wasnt even sure if that was going to happen but I'm trying, I'm still trying. but what I just dont understand is, why did he have to wait for school to start? I started school on a monday and he waited untill that sunday to die. 6 days after I started my senior year in high school, on September 2nd around 8 o'clock at night my dad was shot in the head in my house up in my parents bedroom.
It's funny because a lot of people would wonder how could I just post my business like that but it happens life happens and so does death. The other thing that makes me sad, is the fact that I was having fun up in the mountains as he died, but the thing that gets me is that specific day while I was up there I felt so uneasy and so did my other friend and then it turns out my entire familly felt uneasy that day. The thing is there is no way that I can bring my papa back to life but I just dont want any more deathes that would make my mom cry, like just this past january my little brother (not by blood) was killed then 2 weeks afterwards my moms good friends daughter passed also. By the way if you d=hadnt caught it before, I had 7 people who made a huge impact on my life die in the year of 07, the year that was supposed to be God's year, but still I dont blame God I just wish he didnt have to take my dad, not saying he should have done it to anyone else no thats horrible, but just not now, well then. As the saying goes, you never know what you have until it's gone, its just that part of my heart and all almost all of my mind was taken with it. I'm not saying all this to have you feel sorry for me, just to say cherish everyone in your life, especially your parents, because once they're gone all your going to find are a face so full of tears in their place.
 westsidebluenight · Sat Apr 26, 2008 @ 05:01am · 2 Comments |
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