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the only post that matters |
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i'm sorry for the title, i didn't want to put anything scary so i tried to lighten it up a bit
it's actually a lot more serious than that, really scares me in a way, like i'm being pushed to write it right now
and it gets long, really long, so after maybe this part right below here (ending in ''best friend ever''), you should back out
i've been thinking about the inevitable lately: what happens if i die? not like the whole afterlife stuff, but more like, "what do i leave my family and friends with?" and (later), "what do i want them to know?" (like "you are my best friend ever" wink
well
yeah
i really have nothing valuable in terms of money or immense usefulness to give to family.
all i own, all junk or sentimental things, nothing that would really absolutely come in handy like money or anything special (mostly due to no job, etc).
maybe they would enjoy a movie or cd or video game i have but that's.. nothing. it's nothing worthy. "and to you i give my mary j. blige cd," and then that's all i have.
i really would rather chris to get absolutely nothing though; not a damn thing.
he gets $200 of models for behavior i have on my worse days, two rented movies [and our time] to go see a 3 hour long movie (we had to stay at the mall, it's far away and we weren't sure of how to get home) after pulling a knife on me, and pretty much anything he wants (shooting pool, red bull, etc) after being a loud, obnoxious pain in the a** every single day of my life.
would be a shame though, for me to die before him. not because of age (only 2-3 years apart depending on time of year), but because i don't want to leave my mom with him. i just don't. i don't expect anyone reading to understand what he's like, but he's a goddamned freak and if he held a knife at a distance plenty of times before, and once now at very close range, boy i do wonder where he'll go next
moving on
but having said that, in the case of unexpected death or murder or whatever it might be where i have no time to tell anyone anything, if this is ever found by anyone who can get in touch with most of my friends and family, i would hope it wouldn't be of much burden to just.. i don't know, point out a link or something.
i'm sorry, i just don't want to put something like this in a place where people will find it immediately and flip out like, "why would you write something like this, are you `going to commit suicide/doing drugs/driving recklessly/affiliated with people that might kill you [minus chris] !?!?!?" just want it in a place where hey, if i die and it's found before or after, it can be sent to those who should see it. if i don't die until i'm 75 years old, awesome
so finally, here are my 'death shout-outs' or whatever it is that people refer to them as, because i seriously have no idea
well, here goes.
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Mom: I really do think that you are the best possible mom a person can have. I'm not trying to be sappy, because every kid says that, but you are. From where I can first start to remember things about you, you were kind and gentle and in the relationship you were in, still managed to go out of your way to keep me a happy kid. You were the kind of mom to take the time every day to wrap me whatever I wanted to eat for lunch in school, and add little notes of "I love you"'s in, tucked away where I would find them. You were aware of the whole teenager thing to be embarassed of their parents, but I never had that with you. If you showed up at a volleyball game or something, and one of my friends saw, well hey. Whose mom went out of her way to watch her daughter at a boring intramural game? Mine did, how 'bout yours? For all the hard times you went through, you still managed to at least try to give us the very best. A single mom, working hard for less than $10 an hour, to raise two kids and whatever pet we may have had at the time, and you still managed to supply us with the nice, unnecessary things we would ask for. I didn't need high-speed internet, and even as the bill goes places you'd rather it wouldn't, you keep it because I like it. You always say about how when you were a kid, you and your sister had to clean the whole house for your mom, and compare it to the one chore we each have. You didn't force me into a job in 9th grade to help support the family, even though you very well could have. I would like to tell you that even if I sometimes don't express it, I'm very grateful for the life you've given me and everything in. I'm grateful for the cards you lay on my bed for me to find the next time I go in, even if they don't contain any money. I'm thankful that I know you will be there for me if I ever need it.
If you can forget for a moment how everyone abuses the phrase, I really, truly, as a daughter to her mother, love you.
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Ash Pyle: My god, who would have known that sumone like you would live less than a mile away. We were school buds whenever we were in the same class together throughout elementary, and 10th grade (I think it was Computer Graphics that totally started it all, go figure (dropout)) we really started to become friends. Most people would have argued about something in the almost two years [as of writing] that we've been really close friends, but we haven't. I know you've said it before, a couple times. I'm glad to have you as a friend, I consider you one of my best ever. We've got a lot of good memories and inside jokes in that almost two years, and I am the slice, but I believe humans and fish can coexist peacefully.
Thanks for being just an amazingly awesum friend.
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Megan: I have to wonder, if you see this, if you expected this to be here. I can't say I've really connected with you a whole lot on that personal level of sharing grievances or what have you, but I really feel like we're close anyway. Even if you're in Michigan. You're so funny, sometimes so unintentionally, that it just blows me away. Chances are, if you've typed, "WHAAAAAAAAT XD," I am sitting in Pennsylvania, LOLing out loud (yes). From Chuck Norris to the word 'snov'*, to ch_ _ch and roasting marshmallows on a gas stove with a metal utensil. Add in the fact that our lives are so similar (can't even begin to describe how much so), and it's just like.. Dang. A lot of humor in my life comes from you. Thanks. ilu
*PS: If I never tell you what that word means, ask Ash, she knows what it means. She knows what L means too, but I think you have that one figured out.
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sorry, if i before this is done, just know that i was going to write something about the following people:
nate, willy, sarah, pinky, sauger, ambr wever, carpy, rachel, chris (not a gremlin), and scott
yea, most of them don't even know about gaia, and i don't even really talk to some of them anymore. i don't know. but they've done something in my life at some point, so that's where i'm coming from.
 Houndsend · Fri Mar 23, 2007 @ 10:29pm · 0 Comments |
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