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xxgviruskissesxx is available 5:18 pm
DYING IS NO GAME 3d and 17h ago Comment
xxgviruskissesxx 5:18 pm
Hey. How are you holding up?
kawaiikfox 5:19 pm
barely, but having people to talk to and stuff to keep my mind ccupied is helping
occupied*
xxgviruskissesxx 5:19 pm
I'm glad.
It's really sad.
Can I ask how she died?
kawaiikfox 5:20 pm
I would guess in her sleep. no one was there when she passed... she passed away several minutes after the nurse left her room
kawaiikfox 5:20 pm
it was about 10am here
xxgviruskissesxx 5:21 pm
Did she have a condition? Cause I know the last time I talked to you she was dying and I thought maybe she had cancer again or something. >> <<
kawaiikfox 5:21 pm
yea.... her cancer came back... and it was everywhere.... literally everywhere... intestines, kidney, appendix....
xxgviruskissesxx 5:22 pm
Sounds like my grandpa
I'm really sorry sweety
kawaiikfox 5:22 pm
she knew she was going to pass this may.... i found a memorial she wrote back then..
hold on, phone ringing
xxgviruskissesxx 5:22 pm
ok
kawaiikfox 5:30 pm
okay
xxgviruskissesxx 5:30 pm
welcome back
I know you have a lot of people supporting you
kawaiikfox 5:30 pm
thanks
xxgviruskissesxx 5:31 pm
and Robert I know will always be there for you
but if you need someone to talk to you can always call me
I know we haven't been on the right foot but that doesn't change that I do care for you and I do love you
and I want to make sure you will be ok throughout all of this
kawaiikfox 5:32 pm
I should be... it'll take some time, but I'll get there.
xxgviruskissesxx 5:34 pm
I know how hard it is
especially when it's someone you were really close to
kawaiikfox 5:34 pm
look.... I don't know what happened or why... and I've reached the point to where I don't care anymore... staying angry at people is absolutely pointless... irreguardless of the issue. I care.... i always have and I always will.... even if you get angry at me.
xxgviruskissesxx 5:35 pm
and while she drove you crazy sometimes, I know you really loved your mom
kawaiikfox 5:35 pm
heh, yea... at least she's some palce better
xxgviruskissesxx 5:35 pm
Well, I'd like to work it out for my own sanity
Because I am angry but I am not
we don't have to do it right now though, because it wouldn't be right, right now. lol
kawaiikfox 5:36 pm
I don't mind if it's now
xxgviruskissesxx 5:37 pm
Ok, I can do that then
kawaiikfox 5:37 pm
unless you don't feel comfortable about it... I'm not going to force you
xxgviruskissesxx 5:37 pm
I know you aren't
I need to think of a way to say it without sounding like I'm condemning you or being condescending
because that is not what we need
and this should have been more of a learning experience, on both sides
kawaiikfox 5:38 pm
I don't know about you... but I feel i learned something...
xxgviruskissesxx 5:39 pm
lol, what did you learn?
kawaiikfox 5:40 pm
that... being angry at someone take a lot of energy.... and it's pointless.
even though I say something and intend it to be seen how i see it, doen't mean the other person is going to see it the way I do... it's not like the other person is in my mind
xxgviruskissesxx 5:41 pm
ok, well I agree being angry with people is a waste of time
But, I know before we started talking I did tell you that I was in a bad mood. In a bad mood it sways how I see things for that day, and it generally changes the next day or hell even a few hours. I know originally I wasn't meaning to offend you and I wasn't trying to make you feel stupid. I know I was actually trying to end the fight before it even began and that was where you felt I was calling you stupid.
xxgviruskissesxx 5:43 pm
My money problems were a big deal to me in that moment, because I had to drive that long drive and my sleep schedule wasn't what i should have been, so my internal bipolar clock was ******** up.
But, I do know eventually I will be able to pay it and it's not worse than your own.
But here is where our problem started
kawaiikfox 5:44 pm
it wasn't intended to be a contest of who was worse off...
xxgviruskissesxx 5:44 pm
and I think you should know this
when I have told someone I am in a bad mood the best way to deal with me when walking away is to say you need to go do something or something
Seriously, not matter how pissed off you are, do not just sign off on me
xxgviruskissesxx 5:46 pm
that is what triggered me into a manic rage
and that sadly is what makes me end up either hurting myself, others, or defacing property or something.
Otherwise, I think I would have saw that you were right within a couple of hours and would have apologized for my behavior
kawaiikfox 5:48 pm
..... will you get mad at me if I point out something...?
xxgviruskissesxx 5:48 pm
no, this isn't just my conversation lol
kawaiikfox 5:48 pm
you never told me you were pissed.... here is the first part of our conversation.... i copy pasta'd it in a little corner of my laptop
xxgviruskissesxx is available 8:45 pm
xxgviruskissesxx 8:45 pm
hello~
kawaiikfox 8:45 pm
hihi
xxgviruskissesxx 8:45 pm
how are you?
kawaiikfox 8:46 pm
worn out, been out most of the day shopping
how are you?
xxgviruskissesxx 8:46 pm
cramping and tired
kawaiikfox 8:46 pm
ick
xxgviruskissesxx 8:47 pm
yeah
kawaiikfox 8:47 pm
what have you been up to other than feeling icky
xxgviruskissesxx 8:47 pm
not a whole lot
wentto therapytoday
which was a long drive I guess
kawaiikfox 8:48 pm
where did you have to go?
xxgviruskissesxx 8:49 pm
therapy
uhm... bfe
xxgviruskissesxx 8:49 pm
It's like... off of peoria and mount view
kawaiikfox 8:51 pm
that's not horribly far
xxgviruskissesxx 8:51 pm
it is when you're going from my grandmas
xxgviruskissesxx 8:53 pm
and it's not a fun drive when your car is acting like it's going to kick thecan
kawaiikfox 9:02 pm
true,, true
sorry if responces are a bit delayed, i be doing homework
xxgviruskissesxx 9:03 pm
itsok
i'm lonely so yeah
kawaiikfox 9:04 pm
....
so anyway, how did the session go?
xxgviruskissesxx 9:05 pm
it went ok
its a weird type of therapy
kawaiikfox 9:07 pm
weird how?
xxgviruskissesxx 9:08 pm
I don't know what the the type of therapy is called
but it's not like
go in and talk about your life
it's a special type of therapy for people with bipolar
xxgviruskissesxx 5:49 pm
ok, well, maybe I told someone else that night I was in a bad mood
I am sorry for that
kawaiikfox 5:49 pm
=shakes head- it's amazing what can happen with assumptions....
i accept the appology.... i jsut wanted you to know...
xxgviruskissesxx 5:50 pm
my conversations blend together sometimes. lol Sorry.
No it's ok
And I want to point out something else in return
just so you are informed
Mental institutions are not free
UNLESS
it's court ordered
kawaiikfox 5:50 pm
what you said.... hurt.... and it still does.... that i didn't care.
kawaiikfox 5:50 pm
because I do
xxgviruskissesxx 5:51 pm
That is not what I had meant
kawaiikfox 5:51 pm
even through all of this...
xxgviruskissesxx 5:51 pm
It feels like to me
sometimes when talking to you, you brush me off
kawaiikfox 5:51 pm
let me talk to you some more.. my aunt wants to talk to me
xxgviruskissesxx 5:52 pm
and you only show that you might care that I am talking to you, when something is going on, or i'm freaking out. I mean, deep down I know you genuinely care about my well being and that you love me, but I don't feel you actually care about my problems or struggles.
xxgviruskissesxx 5:53 pm
ok
kawaiikfox 5:55 pm
I do, but a lot of the time i either don't know how to help you, or the help i do try to offer doesn't seem good enough... maybe I've been missreading.. but that's how it seemed to me
xxgviruskissesxx 5:56 pm
I dunno. I don't know how to fix that part, it might be sometimeg we'll just have to try by trial and error. Because I know not all problems work the same way and they don't have the same solutions.
kawaiikfox 5:57 pm
yea.... like not everything equals out to 49..... unles to multiply and divid and add in the necessary way... lol
xxgviruskissesxx 5:57 pm
lol exactly
kawaiikfox 5:57 pm
I just.... wanted you to know that I know how it all feels....
i wasn't trying to say that your problems were insignificant
and if it came across that way, I appologize
xxgviruskissesxx 5:58 pm
Either way, I'll try to inform you on my mood for they day when it could be hazardous, and you can totally feel free to tell me you can't deal with me during moments.
No it's ok
I know you were trying to point out that life wasn't bad
but, my problem at that moment had nothing to do with my view on life
kawaiikfox 5:59 pm
it was just the fact that it all sucked...?
xxgviruskissesxx 5:59 pm
yeah
it was just my mood
and our tempers clashed
and I went to the extreme
kawaiikfox 6:01 pm
to me.... it sort of felt like you were angry at me for calling your mom when you had taken the medication... and was looking for a reason to be angry at me.... maybe I was over analyzing...-shrug-
xxgviruskissesxx 6:01 pm
it could have probably been easily avoided, but I don't think either of us helped in the situation
xxgviruskissesxx 6:01 pm
haha no
I am glad you called my mom
because if you hadn't I would have been dead in the next couple of hours
kawaiikfox 6:02 pm
....yea... your grandma called me that morning...
xxgviruskissesxx 6:02 pm
and that hadn't been my intention that night
kawaiikfox 6:02 pm
life..... although it may be hard, and it may be rough.... is always worth it in the end...
you have friends out there who care for you
xxgviruskissesxx 6:03 pm
yeah
kawaiikfox 6:03 pm
and i know i may not be there, but I think about you a lot
xxgviruskissesxx 6:03 pm
no, my problem that night is I went into that manic rage and I couldn't cut because my razors were hidden
xxgviruskissesxx 6:03 pm
so I did the next best thing, with a hope of calming down
kawaiikfox 6:03 pm
other than smoking?
xxgviruskissesxx 6:04 pm
yeah, cigarettes don't work when I hit that part of my bipolar
kawaiikfox 6:04 pm
but why so much?
you said you knew what it did
xxgviruskissesxx 6:04 pm
I did know what I did
kawaiikfox 6:04 pm
i remember... on the phone
xxgviruskissesxx 6:05 pm
I just.... wasn't there... I was but I wasn't
I was in such a bad place of rage
that I totally just do s**t
and don't think
kawaiikfox 6:05 pm
i know you may not like me saying it, but you need something that works... to help you be in control of yourself...
I don't know if you want it or not...
i just don't want to lose someone else close to me......
not yet.....
maybe that's selfish....
xxgviruskissesxx 6:06 pm
that is why they hanged my therapy
and why I'm with a different doctor
my meds are different and upped and I'm fairly monitored
my mom checks in on me daily
kawaiikfox 6:07 pm
that's good... I'm glad
xxgviruskissesxx 6:07 pm
so, yeah
no it is
xxgviruskissesxx 6:07 pm
I am greatful for you baasically being the one to get me the help I needed
kawaiikfox 6:07 pm
is it what you want...? all the help you're getting...?
xxgviruskissesxx 6:08 pm
well, I may not like the drive
but I like my therapist
and while I hate taking so much medication I don't mind if it's helping
kawaiikfox 6:08 pm
good. are things better with you and your grandma?
i know medication is a pain...
it's something that works thou
xxgviruskissesxx 6:09 pm
lol her and I still fight
but it's going to happen
I think it helps that I have sleep medication
as well as something for the physical pain that I was in daily
kawaiikfox 6:10 pm
what kind of physical pain? I don't remember you telling me about that...
xxgviruskissesxx 6:10 pm
my cysts
I don't think you were there for my almost cancer scare
kawaiikfox 6:11 pm
no
xxgviruskissesxx 6:11 pm
I have an appointment in january to get an ultrasound
kawaiikfox 6:11 pm
we haven't talked for 4 or 5 months.... givr or take
xxgviruskissesxx 6:11 pm
yeah
in october I found a lump over one of my ovaries
but it wasn't cacerous as far as my doctor could tell
kawaiikfox 6:12 pm
so they're going to try to drain it?
xxgviruskissesxx 6:12 pm
and my doctor put me on birth control to help with the pain and give me periods again
xxgviruskissesxx 6:12 pm
no
kawaiikfox 6:12 pm
good... they really do help... it helps me
xxgviruskissesxx 6:12 pm
yeah it does
kawaiikfox 6:13 pm
....no? is it a solid mass?
xxgviruskissesxx 6:13 pm
Ihave been doing better physically
and with not being in pain all the time, it helps my mood a little
no
kawaiikfox 6:13 pm
the BC pills help keep cists from forming
xxgviruskissesxx 6:13 pm
it was my pants were rubbing against the skin
kawaiikfox 6:13 pm
from what my nurse told me
o.0
xxgviruskissesxx 6:13 pm
and it got irritated and swelled
yeah lol
well I gotta get ready to go
kawaiikfox 6:14 pm
yea... it's what.. 5 your time?
xxgviruskissesxx 6:14 pm
I got dakside chronicles and Megan and I were gonna play it tonight
xxgviruskissesxx 6:14 pm
yeah yeah
kawaiikfox 6:14 pm
okay... hope you have fun
xxgviruskissesxx 6:15 pm
well, if you end up needed to call someone here's my cell
kawaiikfox 6:15 pm
i still have it
xxgviruskissesxx 6:15 pm
303-523-0955
it's on at all times and I usually answer it unless I am driving
kawaiikfox 6:15 pm
kay
xxgviruskissesxx 6:15 pm
alright, have a good night I love you
and my mom said she was sorry for your loss
and chin up, your mom wants you to live happily and she will always be with you
kawaiikfox 6:16 pm
heh, i know... at least she's better now
lotsa <3
and drive safe, i know you guys got a lot of snow
xxgviruskissesxx 6:17 pm
lol, it's melted now
kawaiikfox 6:17 pm
oh yea... forgot.... colorado does that... XP
oh well lol
bai for now
