Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

So it's over halfway through the year already. Quite crazy considering I didn't imagine my life to be like this a year ago then.

Turns out that I'm wrong again.

I'm trying to wrap my mind around people and why they're so willing to hurt a loved one to make themselves feel better. I don't understand how it fixes the problem that caused the rift in the first place. I tried to do the right thing...but it fell by the wayside...I tried to do what felt right to me and I honestly don't know why if it felt so right why I feel so bad about it all. I guess I'm not in the right frame of mind to decipher it all on my own. But then again maybe I'm not supposed to understand any of it right now. I really didn't realize that trying to do what makes you happy is supposed to hurt people so badly. I'm just waiting for the day I'm ripped apart because of it. I wish I was. Because this cycle is freaking ridiculous.

Am I doing it all wrong? Am I supposed to be like everyone else and enjoy the pain that I could possibly inflict upon someone? Is that really the way to attain anything in life? Kill me now then. I'm not willing to do something as immature and small to get what I want. And I'm never going to be.

I guess this rant is just do to the fact I'm hurt by a comment made by someone that supposedly cared about me more than anyone in life could...That I know nothing about friendship or love...that I'm juvenile for trying to get out in the world...that I'm basically nothing because I guess they think I'm not strong enough to have fought my demons by now and haven't gotten through high school and are going post-secondary because of that fact. But then when you cross the line and say hurtful things about the people I love...just no. Especially when the person they were referring to was there through of all of the heartbreak and pain they happened to cause. I guess I just don't like it when people try to attack my character when they know that I'm nothing like the way they've described me to be.

Yeah. They really know me. They really care. Oookay.

I know it isn't all their fault. I just wish they reacted like a bigger person when I broke the news. I wish they wouldn't have let their anger and jealousy control their words. I wish they would've tried to stand by me...even when it hurt them so much...isn't that what love is? Stick by people even when they've made a mistake and have hurt you? Maybe I'm just a masochist and enjoy pain...I really don't know...and probably won't until the next time this year.

Well Im feeling pretty good. Well all except for the fact that I feel guilty because of my feelings.

I feel like Im jibbing a really good friend things she deserves because I dont know how to let go of someone of almost 9 years. I mean compare one year to nine and you can understand. And its beginning to feel like Ive done something wrong to deserve this. Eventhough I know I dont. They should at least be giving me the respect I deserve from them considering the circumstance.

Then Im getting flack because Im asking for advice from the person of nine years "best friend". I tell yah its ridiculous what Ive heard come out of their mouth. I dont blame them. They have trust issues with people so of course shes going to be holding grudges. But towards me? No. It just doesnt work that way. If she actually took the time to understand how deep and connected we were than I wouldnt be offended. Then they have a problem because they view me as a "hypocrite" because Ive told them on several occasions to stay out of it. And for good reason. Everyone that seems to get involved seems to take a stance. And I kinda figured I would be the one backed into a corner by them. I think they should just try to get over the fact she cant replace me. I wish she could just like I wish I could replace my "ex-best friend". Yeah not after emotional connection that we had.

And the whole fact I know Im resented because their sister is involved in a way...Oh boy. It isnt cool. The only reason I went to her because she isnt a bias person and actually can sympathise with both sides. She doesnt go bad-mouthing people for things. It feels as if my "ex-best friend" thinks Im trying to get on good side all the time. And to be quite frank Im not. Im trying to get insight from someone that actually is the closest person to her...or at least was at one point. If I didnt know better I would say her sister loves her the most. And I respect that so I try to understand. But nooo....Im blamed. But hey I dunno.

Well Im going to start soon sadly. That explains my moodiness and irritability. My over-the-top exaggerations. Meh people exaggerate things. Not just me. Like about McDs. Or about someones crush liking someone else. Who friggen cares? I do but not about trivial things like that. Im sick of being called someone thats heartless. Well that shows who knows what Im all about. But meh. Its exahausting correcting people over that. Its like whateves. Im spent.

There is no way I can possibly do anymore for people. They assume I do it because I have an agenda. Again they dont know me then. Trying to fool people is pointless. Putting up a guard is pointless. Impressing people is pointless. Because in the end the people that cant be fooled, the people that try to break that guard, the people that were already impressed before the trying started are the only people you need. Ive tried to blame myself for things that werent 100% my doing. Ive tried avoiding getting people pissed off. Ive tried fixing things. Where does it leave me? It leaves me where I was. Where I was wasnt a fun place either. I call that place stressful and unsatisfying. Stress leads me to anger, overeating, and music. Anger makes me cuss people out that dont deserve it. Overeating just makes me feel sick(my metabolism is pretty good so I dont really gain much weight), music well the only thing that gets me is sore ears from playing it too loud. I dont like loud. Loud scares me.

What I want for my sweet sixteen is for people to just shut up and appreciate silence for once. Just sit there and reflect. B-days arent quiet though. Relatives and friends wishing me happy birthday when everyone knows I wont be happy because I barely see my relatives and the friends I have stress me out alot. Either way Im screwed. I just want to skip it entirely. But that wouldnt happen because a friend is having a "surprise" party for me. I detest birthdays. I would prefer solitude right now. Eventhough its a month away and there is no telling what will happen in a month.

My mom was right. It will be nothing without something. For awhile things are going to be nothing. Until I can get myself straightened out. As my mom says, "How is looking behind you going to get you forward?" My only response I can give her is it cant because theoretically if you were trying to move forward except looking behind you you would trip and fall on your a**. And to be quite frank thats what Ive done. People trying to lend a hand to help me up. My grasp has been broken. The person I needed the most turned their back on me. They let me fall. But thats in the past. Right now I dont regard them as highly as I would like to due to incidents that have occured and Im still trying to forgive. Not for their sake 100% but for mine. What a word that doesnt quite exist in my vocab yet. Mine. Wow. I wish I could be selfish more often. "Rosie, Rosie, Rosie. I know your breaking down. And I'll be there to catch you as you fall. That's what friends are for." I wish I heard that more often. Thats what Im holding onto. I wish I had more people like that to help me up. I had one more than I do now...but I dont know where they went to or are right now. Ive lost touch with that person. Im blinded by the mistakes of the past. What can I say? Besides I love them to death but they arent clueing into it and should be because blegh. Whateves. People do what they do I guess. *shrugs*

Oh, oh, oh, you lie
Tell me something more than what you tried to hide
If you can't find yourself, then how can I expect to find you.
Oh, oh, oh, you cry
Tell me something more than what you try
The greatest tragedy is not your death
But a life without reason, your life has no purpose
Your life has no reason, your life has no purpose

Oy! Anberlin describes exactly how Im feeling right now. Its quite pathetic. But its true. I dont feel like much of anything cause I dunno. No one really thinks I am.
Except for a few. The simplicity of life couldnt be anymore complex as it is right now. Things arent really working out in whatever favour. Dont see how things are supposed to be better than what they arent right now. I wish people would erase me completely out of their life right now. This is stupid. I dont want to exist. Existing is just too painful. Too painful to look at in a mirror. What am I? Who am I? Why am I? Questions I just want answers to these three important questions. Those are the only ones that are going to have any importance to me because right now Im the only one that can keep myself up. Im too broken to forgive myself or anyone else. Im too sick to get up and smile. My frailty shows me nothing. And nothing is what I intend to keep it. I dont intend to keep anything. I wish I could rake up enough courage to scrap everything. Start with a clean slate.
That way the complaining from everyone is behind me. Right now I want to tell everyone to shut up. I dont like hearing what I do. Things hurt too much. Im trying to keep it together but is it working? No not really.

So Im sitting here alone. Which isnt cool with me but I can deal. I feel like crying to be quite frank. I cant be strong. I cant. Im sick of this. Whats the point? Like really. What? I dont understand it. And if I did I would be able to hold my head up right now. I cant because its pointless. They keep hiding things from me. Its retarded. Why though? I dont get it. And if I did I guess I wouldnt be in this predicament.

Ewwwwww!!!!! I feel so gross. I hate sinus congestion. So Im eating oranges to help speed my recovery. Not to mention I need something to munch on while waiting for my dad to cook later. But then again Im not really hungry. I had a nice lunch of a sandwich, soup with crackers and fruit punch. But Im still feeling shitty. I got scared real bad last night which didnt help. But ughses. I need to find a way to get my mind off of her. And hopefully when I do she doesnt pop up somehow. God only knows I need time to be happy without being reminded of her. I love her to bit but it doesnt help when we dont talk anymore. So tell me...how do I deal with this? I mean I think its a pretty uncool Christmas gift. Losing my best friend. Ouch. That doesnt really work for me. But eh I cant do anything about it right now can I? Wish I could though.

Well...now that I think of it I have alot to gain. I have no best friend, for Ive lost mine so shes now a former best friend and former friend in general. Yeah Ive lost a friend. That really blows. And to make it worse I sit right beside them. Pretending Im all hunky-dorry about it. Im also about to lose my dog. Yeah my folks want to put her down because of her hip. You see this is my first and only pet. So Im really attached. But then again Ive lost my best friend of eight years. Not my first but still one of my more important friends that Ive had. Ive never really felt an emotional attachment to a friend before. But she was more like an incestous sister figure to me. It feels like someone dying. It feels like a part of me is dying. It feels like Ive lost something huge to me. No one says anything though. Everyone shrugs it off. Its like oh yeah thats big but just get over it. Well FUCCCKKK!!!! Does anyone get it? She was like a younger sister to me. And now its like NOOO!!!!!!! Why me? Why now? Why her? Just why in general. I miss her and I see her every day. I sit right there. On her right side. And I to her left. The way it usually is. The way we are. But not the way we should be. The way we were. I feel so cold without her. She caused me so much pain and annoyed me so much sometimes but she was still there. We got over the fights and we were happy. But not now. Its like we hate each other but still love each other at the same time. I really dont know what to think. But I know she wouldnt want me hurting for her.

The title is self-explanitory. I want my BFF back. And have no idea as to how to do this. Chances are Im never going to get it. Im not going to get another chance to fix the mistakes Ive made with her. Things have been going to quickly. It feels like the transition from summer romance to now hasnt been smooth. Nothing is ever smooth with her. But at least we could fix things once upon a time even if we had a fight we would come out okay. But not now. Oh I did something wrong, then she avoids me for two weeks, then Im pissed at her for that and expects me to be happy with the fact Im not really in her life anymore. I know its my fault. I know I havent tried as hard as I could be. But Im sick of people not being honest with each other. Now I know Im being a hypocrite but its like GAAHHH!!! Enough is enough. Christmas is coming up and I dont need this to show for my year. The year was so good but its become a flop all of a sudden. I was flying high then I got shot down and am still wounded. I know I will heal but the question is when? When will this period of time come for me? When? Please tell me cause this hurts too much. Too much drama eventhough its covered up. Covering things up doesnt really help but this will boil over...well at least I hope.