|
"Do you ever wonder if what you're doing has a point?"... |
|
|
|
|
|
|
...She asked, her face pointed down at the ground but her eyes looking at me and the cigarette in my mouth.
"You sound like you're suicidal, you know that?" I say, smiling and blowing out smoke as I talk.
"Well, no, not like that, but you know what I mean?" The sentence could've gone either way, but she made it into a question. That's what I like about her. She doesn't act like she knows everything because she's older than me, not like the play anybody who's anybody's senior try to put on.
Maybe I'm just over-analytical. I notice the little things everybody does and I try to figure out what they mean because I have nothing better to do and I put my own twisted thinking in there too, so the things that don't mean a thing end up meaning everything.
"There isn't supposed to be a point," I start, pausing for a drag, before I continue, "It's just developed, you know? It used to be all about survival and being able to eat or whatever, and then we got it all handed to us and now we sit and think about these kinds of things,"
I'm not done, and she can tell, so she doesn't say anything and I look up at the clouds and find one that looks a bit like a car.
"It's about being happy. We aren't all going to change the whole world and there's no use trying, so it's not worth it to waste your time in misery when the only thing you can change is yourself. Maybe you'll change the people around you for a while, but when you're gone they're gonna go back to the way they were, and if they don't, it's because they changed themselves."
"If it's about being happy, then why do you smoke?"
"I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't, would I?" I say, smiling a bit and she smiles back at me and I forget for a moment that there's other people around.
"True,"
"I don't know if it's your cup of tea or what, but I know that if I can find somebody I want to be with forever, or for the rest of my life or whatever, I'd quit. I'd want as much time with them as I want. Hold on to that happiness, you know?"
"Isn't that selfish?" She's smart.
"In a way. In the end though, the only thing you know you'll always have is yourself. I'm not going to do something somebody else wants me to do just because they're there, because they'll be gone soon enough,"
"Selfish," She says decisively, but I'm not done yet. She'll know what I mean, damnit.
"It's all about you. If I'm doing something that's going to kill me, fine, I'll live while I can and I'll get the most out of it alone, or I'll love somebody and if I'm lucky they'll stick around," I never talk like this.
"So love's everything, huh? I'm going to throw a curveball here, you're in love with someone aren't you?" She asks, leaning against our tree and stretching her arms. "A close friend of yours, I can already guess who." She raised her eyebrow, her mouth forming the name that my ears refuse to take the sound of.
"Love is my happiness, it's true. I'd never normally admit it, but it's true." I try to avoid the second question she had asked me, but she reads my face like a book and knows that I'm secretly thinking about that person.
"You're smart kid. But you're an idiot for that," She whispers, smiling as she looks up at the leaves and I look at the side of her face. "You should go for it, what's the worst that could happen?"
"I know," I shrug, taking my last drag and smoking my cigarette down to the butt as the bell rings and I put it out on the sole of my shoe.
"Smart for knowing it though," And then she's gone, walking back to our brick and steel prison, but her words hold onto her presence while they hang in the air, and I look down self consciously at myself.
"The worst that could happen is that I don't have enough time in the world to be with them..." I whisper to myself, it's good to have a friend like that, a friend who's just a friend, but you can talk to about love with. I look to the sky one last time and decide to make my move, but hope I don't fall flat on my face when I do it...
|| 18 | F | Lesbian | My Face || emotion_dealwithit Please PM me a good haiku.   xRainbowMassacrex · Tue Dec 22, 2009 @ 08:50pm · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
