“There are two of me... One does the right thing, one cannot see...” Indeed this is true, to some extent, for me. But I won’t delve into the spiritual meaning of the song. I guess everyone struggles with the right and wrong, good and evil. I’m not talking about split personalities, either. Still, there are two “me’s”. One is the passive, laidback person. The other is haughty, cocky girl.
I’m passive a lot of times. I lack initiative. I don’t really initiate a meeting with another person. In a store for example, I even have to wait a while before I ask or talk to the salesclerk sometimes. Call it shyness... I don’t know. Because of this lack initiative, I’m not really adventurous. I don’t get a kick out of trying something new. I always go for the tried and tested things. Heck, I even hesitate to try a new game! Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of trying new things.
Of course, all this “passive” stuff doesn’t happen all the time. Again, in a store, I could pick a word war with a snooty salesclerk or a security guard. Yeah, my cocky side comes out. Usually, the haughty girl stays inside of me. I usually pretend that I’m talking with someone and I’d conduct the conversation in a know-it-all, smart-alecky kind of way. That’s my escape probably, or my way of coping with events. But the confident person isn’t always inside. Somehow, the girl find his way out, especially when I’m totally at ease or when I’m dealing with something I’m really familiar with. I’ve been a leader in quite a number of groups and activities. I’ve spoken in front of large audiences as a resource or guest speaker. I’ve acted in some plays. During those times the confident girl was in control. She took center stage. Ill correct myself. Its not a totally cocky side, “confident” would be the word. I don’t know if you can call it “two of me” but that’s how I feel... for now, at least.
If I were to play the shrink, I’d say it’s all about being self-conscious... I don’t want to look like a fool in front of people. Ergo, I don’t rush into unfamiliar things. Granted, I’m basically restrained person who becomes totally passive when I try something different. When I’m in familiar territory, then I can hang loose. But everything starts out as new, doesn’t it? “There’s a first time for everything”... That’s true. So I guess I just have a tough time for adjusting to things, events, places, and people. But when I have totally “merged” with whatever I’m encountering then the confidence level gets a big boost. It’s like when a dog’s in another territory, his tail is between his legs; but when he’s at home he’s lord and master... That’s interesting!
