A Letter To A Cousin

Dear Cousin,

I can't tell you how hard it's been since you passed away. I swear that you're still in the hospital fighting as hard as you possibly can to pull through. I keep thinking that things will be better, that mom will come home and tell me "She's out of the hospital. It looks like things are going to be okay". That you, the one miracle child who pushed through everything, beat cancer! But then I realize that you're gone. That you left this world fighting for everything you love. Fighting long enough to know your family has come to accept this tragedy, fighting long enough to know your boys will forever remember their loving and strong mummy.

I'm disgusted with myself for not saying goodbye. You asked everyone to come see you because you knew the end was coming but I was to pigheaded to believe it. I wanted to believe that you would always be there. I wanted to believe that things would be better. That there wasn't going to be a funeral. That we wouldn't have to honour your memory! And then you died and I'm so ashamed of myself for not letting you know how much I looked up to you. You were beautiful, you were strong and I've never met something with more passion than you. You were everything I wanted to be.

I keep lying to myself. I don't think about you because I think it's some joke. That someone's going to jump out and yell "gotcha" then everyone is going to laugh. But when I remember that you are gone, that you said goodbye, you took your last breath and you left I get chills to cold my entire body shudders and burns.

I can't understand this heartache that I'm feeling. I'm so angry and so upset. I'm frustrated! Why you! Why your kids! Why your husband! Why my cousin! Why my uncle and my aunt and my mother and grandmother! Why my family! What did you do -what did we do- to deserve this! I used to believe in fate but now I think it's crap! You weren't supposed to die! I know you weren't and I'm so mad that you did! What did my family have to lose you! Why do we have to suffer and cry about something that shouldn't have happened in the first place!

You deserve a long life, you screwed up but you learned and you're life was on track, you were happy and then Murphy's Law took a sick twist on things. This wasn't supposed to happen. Everyone keeps saying you died for a reason but I don't believe that! You're death seems pointless and wrong and I wish to that whatever point was trying to be made finally shows itself!

This is killing me! I can't stand thinking you died for nothing! I want to know why! Why were you supposed to lose everything! Why were you supposed to struggle! Why did my aunt and my uncle lose their daughter! Why did my cousin lose his sister! Why did my family lose someone so close! Why us! Why! I don't understand it and I want to so badly! I want to know why!

But I won't...I won't know why until I accept the fact that you're gone. That you've laid your head to rest and you've said your last goodbyes. I don't know if I can ever do that, though. You were my cousin, my family, my thread of hope. I want to believe that you're still living, that you're still breathing and I'll see you at the next family gathering. But I won't...I won't and the realization is just too painful to bare sometimes.

I'm so sorry for everything that's happened to you. I'm sorry you won't see your boys grow up, I'm sorry you won't get to watch them expland their family, I'm sorry you won't get to hold your own grandchildren. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't save you.

But now that you're gone and your pain has stopped I guess I don't need to save you. I just need to remember you and I will. I love you and I miss you. I will never forget you and the lessons you have taught me. Please watch over the family and keep us strong.

Thank you for being in my life.

Love,

Your Cousin.