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I wrote this earlier today, and I don't think I could've put it any other way. I needed to get this off my chest




I don't get the quote thing that your trying to say...but that's ok. *hugs JonJon*

I've "been in love" several times, but each and every time (except for twice) I was lying to myself. In fact, I'm not even sure if I *WAS* in love with one of those two times...but I know for a fact that I'm in love with one of them now. I'm too gullible(sp?) when it comes to my emotions, but that's being taken care of as we speak (bipolar spectum mood disorder. Those of you who knew me before my sophmore year know what I was like back then, and probably see a HUGE change).

I am currently in love. I am currently in the best relationship I've ever had. I can honestly say that no one has EVER treated me as good as JonJon does. He changed me for the better. I hurt almost as much as I did when things... happened... two years ago (Simone, you know what I'm talking about, I think)though, because I know we won't be together after the summer, and theres a slim to none chance that we ever will be again. I try not to dwell on such things... it hurts WAY too much.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry or get too emotional when it happens...but the tears that I have feared and tried to get rid of have already hit me, despite the fact that it hasn't even happened yet. I want to live it up while we still can, I don't want to cry...I've cried too much in the past two years, and I never want it to happen EVER again; but it's happening anyway. Sometimes I wish I was the way I used to be... but the way I used to be was horrid, and I prefer to be the way I am now. As I said, JonJon made me a better person, and I don't think he really realizes what he's done for me (I know it sounds cheesy, but it's the truth).

Maybe it's the lack of sleep...maybe it's because I have so much goddamned cleaning to do...maybe it's because my homework is taking forever, or that people don't LISTEN...any way you look at it, I feel horrible. I've had this chronic head-ache since last night, my legs hurt (although that's for a different reason), my nose is all stuffy, I'm tired as all hell (but when I lay down I can't get to sleep), I think I'm starting to piss off JonJon, I'm getting too violent and I NEED TO STOP. I need to learn how to control my temper...I need to get a stress ball...I need to get some SLEEP. I need to get out of here...I want to go home, and STAY THERE. Good things have been happening, yes, but I'm so ******** stressed that it's hard to stay focused. ********, I need to clean the bathroom...it's a wreck. Before that though, I have to clean poor Tabris' cage. And my room!!! Let's not even get started on my room!!! I haven't had a home-cooked meal in days...the kitchen was a ******** train-wreck. It took me an hour to scrub all the counters clean. An hour!!! I still have to get my homework done too...guess cleaning will have to wait till tomorrow.

Ugh...

*lies down on the couch and falls asleep*

The best feeling in the world is the one when your head hits the pillow after a day or two without sleep, or when your head hits the pillow after countless nights of a restless sleep.

Hopefully tonight's sleep will be peaceful...

Need to finish my homework...

LaTheif got caught on video at my locker...^__^ He's gonna get fired *sings* LaTheif is gonna get fiiiired! LaTheif is gonna get fiiiiiired!

*glomps EVERYBODY*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm gonna kick that ******** a** if I ever see him again...In fact, today I was daydreaming about beating the s**t out of him....*sighs* I'm so happy...

Me: I'm leaving you JonJon...
JJ: What? Why?
Me: I found someone else...
JJ: Who?
Me: He's sleek and sexy...he's 88 and a bit heavy...he's expandable(sp?) and has *WAY* more functions than you do...his name is Roland...
JJ: Who's Roland?
Me: ...my piano...

HAHAHAHAHA!!! My dad's getting me an 88, weighted key keyboard with midi import/outport plugs and a built in mixer. It can also hook up to my speakers, which is pretty kewl.

As soon as I started playing him I fell in love...again...*sighs* He needs a name though...

Some jackass *coughLATIFFcough* ******** robbed me of $70 today at work!!! ******** JACKASS. I'LL STRANGLE HIM WITH MY OWN TWO ******** HANDS.

...Went to the movies...and found out a few things.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry when JonJon and I have to break up; but when he told me he got accepted, tears came to my eyes anyway. I kept having to whipe them and he asked why; I told him I was still recovering from the lack of sleep.

I am SO unmotivated to get through high school...and let's not even talk about college!!! I guess I'm BOUND to be a dead-beat...more likely, a starving artist. I guess I've subcounciously(sp?) had it all figured out for a while now...I KNOW I'm not gonna make it through school...

I'm gonna move back to Chico, first off. Rent there is low, and you can ride your bike EVERYWHERE. You don't *NEED* a car. I can live off of a min-wage job at the local theatre or something...I think my god-father managed. Hopefully my aunt will let me stay with her till I get one...and all the while I'll work my *a*** off with my music.

Chico is a fun place...I miss it. You don't really need money to have a good time...when my dad and I lived there we were dirt-poor...we couldn't afford luxury, and yet, we had it all. We had a cozy little apartment, my god-father worked at the local theatre so we could get free tickets, our friends (or rather, my dad's friends, and to a certian degree, family) kept us entertained, the local creek was *GREAT*, the park, which is the biggest park in America, second to Central Park in NY, was awesome...so many memories...I want to go back.

We have deep roots in CA...goes back even before the 49rs...wish I were home...

I promised myself I wouldn't cry. I've been so happy for so long, and I owe it all to my great friends...but my three best friends are seniors, and they're leaving me...nani kore wa [heresy]? I guess I just gotta live for the now...

Hmmmmmm....I need more hentai...AND finish my homework.....hentai first though whee

Ah...I came in LATE. I went to scott & gave him the stuff i was supposed to...and then I tracked down JonJon, dragged him out of class and yelled at him (we have the same enlish teacher...I told her he didn't email me stuff that i needed for a project that was due today, and she kicked himout so i could yell at him. Hey, it's not a COMPLETE lie.... icon_sweatdrop.gif ). Upon doing so, JonJon got somewhat pissed, he was in the middle of a test. He thought it was only because I was tired and wanted the secretary's binder, which he handed to me. I then proceeded to 'yell' at him (didn't have the energy to do any actual yelling). He said he emailed it to me. We sat there for silence for a couple of seconds while i tried to stay awake, and he tried to find out whether or not i had gotten any sleep, which i had not. The teacher came back out and told him to finish his test, and i went to class. During LS i checked my email to find them there...and now i feel horrible. I apologized to him right after class...he said it was ok, there was prolly a server back-up and i was tired...we made up...i went home...got some sleep...went to work...and now we're going to the movies ^_^

Sorry about that...broke down and started crying when it 'never came'...now im fine though...i got 11 hours of sleep last night...had an ok day at work...and im going to the movies tonight. I might be on later...

Maybe it's because I've found gaians I can finally relate to =^_^=

I had my b-day party, which lasted longer than expected...but that was good!!! We had video game tournies (I won both), and cake, and and and...I got lots of candy, fan art and plushies!!! And a very special item that's used in very special ways...hehehe...I can't post that here...but it's..."pleasurable"...Lily gave me a really kewl photo album, and since I have no intention on wasting $50 on a yearbook this year, I'm gonna take photos of my friends and have them sign pieces of paper. It was a very good day. I want to thank everyone for being there, for having a good time, and most of all, for making my 16th birthday one that I'll remember for the rest of my life...I love you all!!! Anyway, my dad got me the latest expansion pack for the sims2, so I'm gonna go install that now and play...see ya!!! ^_^