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the only reason im not posting this in my usual blog is cause people will freak out on me.

i feel sooo terrible. everything is frustrating me. im going to see RENT and i am sooooo happy. but i cant get this outfit to work. and my mom is going that i have to look all fancy and s**t. and im wearing pants that kinda fall down when i do anything and i cant wear a regular belt.

and honestly. the main point of this was to say that right now i look digusting. im hideous. i cant stand to look in the mirror. there is no part of me right now that i like.

and im not enjoying it.

I used to long for broken bones, i used to long for a casket to call my own.

Blegh. heart ninja

These are just the ramblings of a crazy lady. you know how in stories the chick is always like crying and angry about something..and the the guy just grabs her.and lets her hit him until eventually she just stops and sits there crying in his arms? Theres justsomething aboutthat.. i find it so darnded romantic or something..but i want that..

Teehee. Yall are gonna hate meeeeeeee.
<3

This is to remember Wesley Scott Nygren.
He died on December 1, 2005. In a car crash at 5:05 pm.
While driving to gym with his dad, a pickup coming the opposite way tried to pass a minivan on the right, sideswiped it, and then hit Wesley's car head on.
Wes was killed at the site and his father John was airlifted to the Santa Rosa hospitol and is in the intensive care unit for severe head injuries.

I knew Wes from gymnastics. He was such a great guy and its horrible for him to have his life cut off. And for us to not be able to enjoy his presence on earth now. Me and everyone else who knew him will miss him greatly and he will never be forgotten.

So R.I.P. Wes. We will all be seeing you soon.


That is Wesley and Kenzie at gymnastics.


And that is Wes's current myspace picture.

Bye bye Wesley.

Everyone hates me. Nothings worth it anymore. I'm mad at everyone. Nothing is going right. If it's Valerie, Clay, Val's boys, school, my mom, my dad, my brother. I hate it! I ******** hate it! I'm at that point where i dont even feel sad anymore. I just want to die. Everything in my head is telling me to kill myself. Nothing says to stop, Theres no reason to live and im finally realizing it. I starting to believe that i actually might go through with it.

Your Existing Situation
Having difficulty in making progress. Despite the attempt to conceal impulsiveness, her activities lead to problems and uncertainties, making her tense and irritable.


Your Stress Sources
Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the herd. This desire for preeminence isolates her and inhibits her readiness to give herself freely. While she wants to surrender and let herself go, she regards this as a weakness which must be resisted. This self-restraint, she feels, will lift her above the rank and file and ensure recognition as a unique and distinctive personality.


Your Restrained Characteristics
Exacting in her emotional demands and very particular in her choice of partner. The desire for emotional independence prevents any depth of involvement.
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Sensitive and sentimental, but conceals this from all except those very close to him.




Your Desired Objective
Wants to prove to herself and others that nothing can affect her. that she is superior to any form of weakness. As a result, she acts with harshness or severity and adopts an autocratic and self-willed attitude.


Your Actual Problem
Needs to be valued and respected as an exceptional individual, in order to increase her self-esteem and her feeling of personal worth. Resists mediocrity and sets herself high standards.


The cake request is still up! ;D

So. I'm going to go back to using song titles for titles to my jurnal. For no reason they wont even mean anything (most of the time that is) i just feel like it. I'm guess you could say im going through a hard time in my life right now. But im trying to be as optimistic about it as i can (which isnt much for rachel but just pretend its working kay?) So hey.. if anyone wants to bring Rachel cake? You know the kind ;D